As a pimply-faced teenager, I dreamt of being a rock star, because even the ugliest musician had a beautiful model at his side. It is almost a cliche to have the scrawny dog-faced male singer arm in arm with America’s newest Top Female Model. Here’s a little secret that most women don’t know — this phenomenon works for men also.

Last night, I went to a chamber concert with Sophia. The soloist was a a stunning young violinist. She was beautiful. She had perfect features and her hair was tied back in a bow like a French movie star. Her arms were as slender and tan as the violin she cradled in her arms. Her posture was like of a ballerina or a royal princess, even in her expensive high heeled shoes. The audience was swooning over her.

She was accompanied by a female pianist. The pianist was not pretty. She was dressed rather frumpish in a shapeless black dress.

But I have a particular fancy for female pianists. The piano is very sexy. I can’t really explain it other than go back to early childhood favorites — Elton John, Billy Joel, George Gershwin, and my all time favorite — Vince Guaraldi’s Charlie Brown’s Christmas.

While everyone was mesmerized by the violinist, my eyes were glued on the pianist. Her fingers would slide over the keys and she hunched over, totally into the Mozart, not giving a care to how she looked to the audience. When she would get to a dramatic musical section, she would move up and down on the piano bench, up and down — sometimes violently, as if she was straddling the piano and giving herself an orgasm as her playing became more intense.

At the end of the concert, the audience gave a standing ovation for the violinist. My penis and I stood for the frumpy, average-looking pianist with the fast fingers. In a bar, I might totally ignore her, but at the concert, she was a Goddess.

MUSICAL NOTE: Christmas-Hanukkah is coming up. I had this idea while driving home last night, but I’m not sure if it would work — a Blogger’s Holiday Concert. I know some of you are actually talented musicians (Scarlet, Psychotoddler, Fictional Rockstar) or singers (Lizardek, others). What if you each made a recording of some holiday song and we’ll post it here next month like one of those Holiday Concerts they have around the country? Would anyone do this?

I promise: I WON’T SING!

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Staying Jiggy With It