Pee Like a Man!

manneken_pis3.jpg
(Manneken Pis in Brussels)

Men, let’s be honest.  Women online are selfish. We  care about their issues — body image, fashion, mommyblogging, etc., but when it comes to OUR issues, they are strangely silent. How else do you explain the lack of outcry on this story from Norway?

The head of The Democrats Party, a splinter group of former Progress Party hardliners, Vidar Kleppe, is outraged that boys at Dvergsnes School in Kristiansand have to sit and pee.

Kleppe accuses the school of fiddling with God’s work, and wants the matter discussed at the executive committee level of the local council, newspaper Dagbladet reports.

“When boys are not allowed to pee in the natural way, the way boys have done for generations, it is meddling with God’s work,” Kleppe told the newspaper.

… [School Principal Anne Lise] Gjul told NRK (Norwegian Broadcasting) that the young boys are simply not good enough at aiming, and the point was to have a pleasant toilet that could be used by both boys and girls.

Can you imagine the humiliation that boys in Norway are going through? Why do we send troops to Iraq and not Norway? Is there anything more central to being a man than the joy of standing there, taking aim, and peeing? What boy wants to sit like a girl?

No wonder why Europeans are turning into a bunch of wusses.

I believe this is another step towards world domination by feminists. Does it surprise you that it it is School Principal ANNE Lise Gjul who is destroying the manliness of Norwegian men, a country once so famous for it’s virile men that a song was written about them — Norwegian Wood?

Pretty soon, I fear that men will be put into metal cages and President Hillary Clinton will sign a bill enabling women to marry their vibrators.

“Do you, Susan, take this pink vibrator…”

Things are especially bad in Europe.   Did you notice the statue of Manniken Pis (little boy peeing) that I showed at the top of the post?   Apparently, he isn’t good enough being Brussel’s long-time city’s trademark.

jeanneke_pis02.jpeg

In 1987 this statue of a girl urinating (Jeanneke Pis) was erected on the east side of the Impasse de la Fidélité / Getrouwheidsgang (Faith Alley), a narrow dead-end street some 100 metres long leading northwards off the restaurant-packed Rue des Bouchers / Beenhouwersstraat (Butchers’ Street). Now parents tell little boys that they have a “choice” over which method is more appropriate, but usually add that only “Americans” and “bad men” pee standing up and “peace-lovers” sit like a woman.”

I say, enough is enough.  It isn’t our fault that we can’t aim very well.

Years ago, when men were really men, we used to shoot animals with bows and arrows and guns. We achieved our aiming skills through ACTION. Now “feminists” have decided that “hunting” and “killing” are bad for society. Is it any wonder we piss on the seat? Mothers teach their daughters about having their first period.  Fathers DO NOT teach their sons how to pee.

Men, I say it is time to turn back the clock against the feminizing of society. I want you, whether you or at home or at work, to STAND UP — Yes, right NOW, stand up, proudly walk to the bathroom, pull down your zipper with a sense of purpose, and take a PISS! Take that PISS standing up! Feel the cool Fall air. Listen to the sound the water, so much like the mighty Colorado River. Feel a bond with men throughout history — Abraham Lincoln, Alexander the Great, Douglas MacArthur — all men who urinated standing up. Yes, even Adam peed standing up in the Garden of Eden. Shout it out loud, “I am a man and I take a PISS standing up!”

You’re a man, for god sakes. Pee like one!

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84 Responses to Pee Like a Man!

  1. anne says:

    Wow.
    You typed my name in capitals.
    Wow.

  2. Brandon says:

    Done! Taking a piss never felt so good. Except for that one time in college, but I digress.

  3. Fitena says:

    Yeaah!
    Oops, am a female blogger!

    Fitèna

  4. othurme says:

    Maybe they should hook up all the little school kids with catheters. Then they could get rid of the bathrooms altogether.

  5. susannah says:

    Right on! men should be proud of their peeing heritage – especially that they are able to urinate against the wall of my building after they stagger out from the pub late at night… the true sign of a real man ;-)

  6. Mr. Fabulous says:

    destroying the manliness of Norwegian men

    I think that ship sailed a looong time ago…

  7. Danny says:

    You may be kidding but I have to admit (with surprise) that if I had a son and heard he was being forced to pee sitting down I think I’d be as outraged as Vidar Kleppe. Not that I don’t understand the aiming thing. Going into my nephews’ bathroom in the middle of the night is to walk an obstacle course through puddles of urine. I actually think fathers should teach their son’s how to pee properly and I vow to do so if I ever have one. What a public service this blog is…

  8. Roberta says:

    A year ago I was in the show Urinetown (the musical); it was all about the violation of urination rights of the good oppressed people of a ficticious town, a town like one you’d find in any musical.
    So these issues are very near and dear to my heart.
    Well, as you guessed, Hope took over her father’s business, instituting
    a series of reforms which opened the public bathrooms to all the people,
    to pee for free whenever they liked, as much as they liked, for as long
    as they liked, with whomever they liked.

    Still brings a little tear to my eye.

  9. Edgy Mama says:

    We debated this issue on my bloggie last winter.

    What’s your stance on in the dark, middle of the night peeing? Do you sit or just let fly, despite the fact that you might be peeing in the sink?

  10. Felicity says:

    Neil, I once dated a man who peed sitting down BY CHOICE. Uhm, change that to, “had a one-night stand with,” ’cause I was effing horrified. I want my men to be MEN for pete’s sake, and that includes standing urination and bad aim.

  11. Wendy says:

    Ok, as a mom of a young boy who is teaching him “how to pee” and failing miserably, this post is like 9 kinds of hilarious…why am I teaching him to SIT ON A POTTY only to have him STAND FOR THE REST OF HIS PEEING CAREER? Ack. The injustice.

  12. Alison says:

    Yeah. My son has yet to figure out how not to pee all over the place. Aim? What’s that? Lifting the seat? Nope. Wiping up the mess? Heh.

    On the other hand…I don’t want him to grow up to be like Felicity’s one night stand. So, you know, I deal with it.

  13. Reba says:

    I have a son who I have tried to get to stand up to pee, but he insists he has to sit down. When asked why he insists on sitting he says it is because he never knows when he is got to go poop also. He just wants to be prepared and the sad part is that about 90% of the time he has to poop also.

  14. V-Grrrl says:

    Neil, I am thrilled to see my hero and local landmark, Manneken Pis, illustrating your pissy post.

    I have a statue of Mannekin Pis on my desk and one in the bathroom, and I also have a Monsieur Pis COCKtail spreader. I love for people to pick it up, ready to spread brie on water crackers, and then realize what they have in their hands.

    But I digress.

    I’m a bad woman married to a bad man who taught our son to pee sitting down. He didn’t learn there were other options until he went to kindergarten. I’m sure he’ll tell his therapist all about it in his 20s.

    My friend Mike covered the Lorena Bobbitt trial in Virginia and a key point in the prosecution was that Lorena had RUINED John Bobbitt’s life because now he HAD to pee sitting down. Poor baby. He later went on to star in porn films–go figure.

  15. mckay says:

    my ex sits when he pees. he said it’s called a RESTroom for a reason (it might also have to do with the fact that he’s 6’4″ and a pisser from that height can get the walls a bit funky).

  16. wendy says:

    When I’m at school(work) I see peeing as a chance to sit down and hide for a bit. As a girl, what I don’t get is that communinal pee next to eachother thing you guys have going on…Do you really watch eachother..please explain.

  17. Dana says:

    Fabulous post. For a minute there (before I got to the Pee-Ess at the end) I was afraid Mr. Pee-nis wasn’t gonna, uh, stand up and say something. But I must side with Anne Lise. I have two sons and I am SICK of having to clean the toilet and mop the floor EVERY da#n$% time I want to go. AND I think someone should invent some sort of device that allows a woman to pee like a man. I’ve always wanted to jump out of the car and go behind a tree.

  18. MARGARET says:

    And now, every father should grab a coffee can, put it on the back porch, and teach their young boys to aim.

  19. Bre says:

    This is all part of our ultimate plan to take over the world, you know.

  20. Neil says:

    Danny — let’s see you write about THIS on the Huffington Post!

    Edgy Mama — Peeing in the dark? Let’s just say there is a reason I am separated from Sophia.

    Felicity — I just KNOW that guy was bad in bed.

    Reba — How about teaching him first to pee standing up, then sitting down for the poop? Where are the men today? Society thinks it is more important to have a bunch of “queer” guys showing you what shoes to wear rather than the important things!

    V-grrrl — I’ve added an IMPORTANT update to the end of the post showing how bad things are getting in Brussels.

    Wendy — We DO NOT watch each other pee, although I do notice that many men look over at me in awe and astonishment. It could be because my penis likes to sing old Aerosmith songs while peeing.

  21. Jay says:

    It is so your fault if you can’t aim – if you want to pee like a man, then aim like one.

    I wonder, though, how exactly this rule is being enforced?

  22. tiff says:

    Dana – there are devices that women campers in particular use to allow them to pee standing up. Can’t recall the name, but they’re made of coated paper and are like a crotch-shaped funnel.

    I would think though that ther would still be clean-up to do.

    And Neil? I have 2 sons and one husband, all of whom stand up to pee. Much to my irritation on house-cleaning days. Manly men all of them, but the splash-back is horrific.

  23. Neil:
    I can hardly believe this! Men ordered to sit and pee??? Yikes. That is just wrong. Thank you for bringing this outrageous injustice to the forefront so that we, men and women alike, can DO something ABOUT IT!!! Standing Peers, UNITE!

  24. Becky says:

    I pity the people who missed the original version of this post. The ending dialog was classic! Ah well.

    As for teaching boys to aim…cheerios and/or cigarette butts. “sink the sub, son!” Oh, and having their first household “chore” they get be to clean the bathroom floor. I bought them rubber gloves and masks and whatever they wanted, but when they hit 7, that was their job. And suddenly, things dramatically improved…

  25. Neil says:

    Becky, I put it back for you. I listen to my readers!

  26. V-Grrrl says:

    I’ve seen Jeanneke Pis, and I am shocked and dismayed they don’t sell likenesses of her in the souvenir shops of Brussels. So what if she doesn’t make a good cocktail spreader (ahem), wouldn’t it be great to have her squatting on top of my monitor while my Mannekin Pis dude pees all day on the brass Eiffel Tower on my desk?

  27. I, too, wonder how the peeing sitting down is being enforced? Perhaps there is a bigger concern to worry about in this situation?

    Hysterical, as usual, Mr. Kramer.

    Did you see Steven Colbert interviewing Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinem while he made them bake pie last night? That cracked me up. Damn feminists! ;p

  28. Melissa says:

    I think we are missing the part where boys can pee all they like standing up – but if they make a mess they should CLEAN IT UP! For fuck’s sake.

  29. EEK says:

    Bravo. I’m currently very hungover (from a 1/2 price wine night debacle), and that just made me laugh out loud.

  30. Heather B. says:

    If you’re going to pee standing up, that’s all well and good, but I’ve had to step in more piss then I ever should have to because YOU people don’t know how to aim.

    AIM!!!!!

  31. Becky says:

    Thanks Neil! It’s gratifying to know I can make a difference in this world.

  32. deezee says:

    I’m with those who say, “go ahead and stand, but then get down on your knees and mop up.”

  33. Tara says:

    When my daughter was 3, she saw a boy peeing standing-up outside and she was hooked. She mastered the art of peeing standing up outside, but I had to break her of the habit as it wouldn’t be socially acceptable once she got to school. I still maintain that anyone with the skills and the desire should be allowed to pee standing up.

  34. Jack says:

    There is a reason you should wear shoes in the bathroom. The freaking Norwegians have forgotten the joy of pissing out a campfire.

    Neil,

    I have to tell you that I appreciate a good bathroom post. That probably explains why I have so many.

    BTW, as I shill for my blog may I add that this would be a great time to discuss urinal selection strategy.

    Fight on men…

  35. schrodinger says:

    Amazingly, there are instructions online for females that wish to pee standing up, with aim… I tried it, made a mess, gave up.

  36. Daisy Mae says:

    Not to correct you Neil, but it is not usually the mother that teaches the daughter about her period, it is the school. Therefore I decree that Norway needs to teach little boys to take their manhood in their hands (no pun intended) and pee like a …man. (or boy). Sitting is for…me. Now lets send the troops in!

  37. Sure is cute to see this particular post title in pink.

  38. Tim says:

    I was so inspired I didn’t bother walking to the bathroom. I think my cubemates were impressed.

  39. Hilly says:

    I had something to say but Tim just left me speechless.

    Personally, I prefer male penis and urination talk to girlie talk at times, which is probably why I have more male than female friends.

  40. melanie says:

    Now that is hilarious! giggles.

    Right on! That is one of the priveleges of being a man, you dont have to compromise your stature by squating to pee.

    sigh. haven’t been watching lost. I feel so ashamed.

  41. patry says:

    I can’t tell you how much this piece increased my understanding of the world. Now I know why men always miss the toilet seat–because they don’t HUNT enough. Where are the herds of buffalo when you need them?

  42. BA says:

    You know, I hear Tivo’s starting a new ad campaign: With Tivo, you can keep yourself and your penis happy!

  43. Mist 1 says:

    Hi, my name is Mist. And I’m a female blogger.

    I also can pee standing up. You probably didn’t need to know that.

  44. Violet says:

    Frankly, I’m surprised if dads don’t teach their sons how to pee into the toilet bowl. I thought that what you do is throw a ping-pong ball into the bowl so that have something to aim at. Or is this why so many males insist on peeing outdoors?

  45. isn’t it an eye hand co-ordination thing? maybe you need to play more video games, cuz isn’t that a guy thing too?

  46. othurme says:

    Mist – would you be willing to pose for a statue?

  47. Neil says:

    Brian — at first I thought it was a joke, but after reading about it, it’s actually a pretty clever product for camping, on the road, etc.

  48. laurie says:

    This whole entry and the comments had the running water effect on me.

    Now I have to pee. Sorry for the overshare.

  49. Amy K says:

    Hmmm. I dont actually consider a man a real man unless he is confident to pee standing up with the door open for me to see. If he needs to close the door and concentrate, he is a wuss. That must be the New Yorker talking in me!

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