This week’s challenge on Poetry Thursday: Write a poem about sex.
Sex Advice for Men
by Neil Kramer
Problems in the bedroom?
Your lady unfulfilled?
Ask me any question,
And get her garden tilled.
Question:
“I really like this woman,
She’s sexy through and through.
I always climax way too fast,
What’s a man supposed to do?”
Answer:
“That happens very often,
When relationships are new.
So, here’s a tried and true technique,
Passed down from Jew to Jew –”
You entertain thy woman,
With everything you know.
You tell amazing stories,
From Dickens, Eyre, and Poe.
You paint a lovely portrait,
You wear an artist’s frock,
You balance twenty dishes,
You buy her penny stock.
You tell her she is gorgeous,
You tell her that is why –
Your passion rose so suddenly,
And hit her in the eye.
You kick and do a swing dance,
You cook her Cream of Wheat,
You promise her gelato,
You say you’ll sail to Crete.
You feel her being curvy,
You lick her little toe,
You spread her arms behind her,
You move her high and low.
You be an opera singer,
You be a Shakespeare bard,
You pray to God repeatedly,
“Please let me stay real hard.”
Soon she’ll be all ready
Her heatbeat all a rush
She’ll want to climb atop you
Her body all aflush
Of course, by now you’re tired,
From all that work and fun,
You still might be excited
But your c**k might say “I’m done.”
I really enjoyed this...
YOU ARE HILARIOUS (and perhaps a bit hysterical).
Hands down, the best part of that was:
You tell her she is gorgeous,
You tell her that is why –
Your passion rose so suddenly,
And hit her in the eye.
Neil, I think I love you.
You had me at “tilled.” This made my day…(sad to think it’s all going to go downhill from here…)
I’ll meet the challenge of writing a poem about sex:
If a guy doesn’t know whether “to do it”
with a girlfriend or even a wife
Let him just remember a grammar rule
And make it part of his life:
“WHEN IN DOUBT, LEAVE IT OUT!”
(Thx for making me a blog crush of the day.)
*giggle*
this is great!
Protestants don’t get that lecture, apparently.
heheh – that’s brilliant! write us some more?
I agree, this is just like Dr. Suess. If he were jewish. And impotent.
Well done, Neil, but the cream of wheat an gelato references makes me nervous.
Cook her cream of wheat eh? Why not “you cook her up a feast?” Trust me, much more romantic.
i don’t believe i ahve even seen a poem addressing that before. Just when you think all the ground has been covered. well, not covered per se. that would be, ahem.
Um, nice picture. I used to eat cream of wheat until I was told in the middle east it is fed exclusively to pregnant women to help them bulk up.
Promised gelato?
And Cream of Wheat??
With a suckled toe?!?
Now this Really does whet.
For it, I’d never be hard to get!
Love the poem!
I’m completely with Catherine on this one,
What’s the deal with premature ejaculation, it beats impotence?”
So much pressure on everyone,
great poem though, it made me smile
Oh my. I love this poem.
Honest & with food … loved the cream of wheat section! You rule mister.
Stay cool. I just can’t believe ya’ll are having our Texas weather. Strange!
SMooch,
The Tart
; )