the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Sex Advice for Men

creamwheat.jpg 

This week’s challenge on Poetry Thursday:  Write a poem about sex.

Sex Advice for Men
by Neil Kramer

Problems in the bedroom?
Your lady unfulfilled?
Ask me any question,
And get her garden tilled.

Question: 

“I really like this woman,
She’s sexy through and through.
I always climax way too fast,
What’s a man supposed to do?”

Answer: 

“That happens very often,
When relationships are new.
So, here’s a tried and true technique,
Passed down from Jew to Jew –”

You entertain thy woman,
With everything you know.
You tell amazing stories,
From Dickens, Eyre, and Poe.

You paint a lovely portrait,
You wear an artist’s frock,
You balance twenty dishes,
You buy her penny stock.

You tell her she is gorgeous,
You tell her that is why —
Your passion rose so suddenly,
And hit her in the eye.

You kick and do a swing dance,
You cook her Cream of Wheat,
You promise her gelato,
You say you’ll sail to Crete.

You feel her being curvy,
You lick her little toe,
You spread her arms behind her,
You move her high and low.

You be an opera singer,
You be a Shakespeare bard,
You pray to God repeatedly,
“Please let me stay real hard.”

Soon she’ll be all ready
Her heatbeat all a rush
She’ll want to climb atop you
Her body all aflush

Of course, by now you’re tired,
From all that work and fun,
You still might be excited
But your c**k might say “I’m done.”

65 Comments

  1. Hart

    Cute poem!

    Not the reaction you wanted? Oh, pooh…! 😉

  2. V-Grrrl

    Do all that
    You’ll make her fly
    The lady will exhale
    With the first come sigh.

  3. mariemm3

    Very nice

  4. The Retropolitan

    I’ve long thought that the key to fighting off premature ejaculation lied in Edgar Allan Poe and Cream of Wheat.

  5. Catherine

    What’s the big deal with premature ejaculation, it sure beats impotence 🙂

  6. girlgoyle

    That was brilliant!

  7. better safe than sorry

    lol!

  8. Kevin

    Did you submit this in your poetry class? Reaction?

  9. kristen

    Very clever and my type of poem!
    Is that a stock photo? Because I couldn’t stop looking at their very white teeth.

  10. Elisabeth

    Neil Kramer – The next U.S. Poet Laureate.

  11. Lou P.

    Translation: most men will do just about anything to get laid.

  12. MARGARET

    very touching

  13. e.

    I may just have the stanza involving the Cream of Wheat running through my head for the rest of the day.. Between someone cooking me Cream of Wheat and bringing me gelato, yes, I might just forgive anything!

  14. Non-Highlighted Heather

    No wonder he’s firing off the load too soon. He has images of women kissing in his head.

  15. Dating Dummy

    Move over Shakespeare, here comes Penis the Poet!

  16. Trix

    Funny. I went with a little poetry today myself.

  17. Dustin

    Penny Stock!! I knew their was some curcial part of the seduction I was missing! Thanks Neil. No really, thanks!

  18. Ozzie

    Take control from the start. Stop worrying. If it feels like work you are doing something wrong.

    Yawp!

  19. ams

    Wow – that was oh so moving, my heart is all a flutter!

  20. 3rdtimesacharm( 3T )

    *giggling* Thanks for the laughs Neil!
    And some sage advice for your male readers. Always the giving blogger.

    And of course thank you for making me blog crush of the day. (I am honored. In between bouts to the restroom and hacking a lung up. I’m sick, but you know that) 😉

    Great poem.

    :-)3T

  21. Neil

    Heather — You’re right. Those were two women in my photo! I’m really having trouble distinguishing which sex is which lately! First I thought a man was Brooke, now this. I changed the photo.

  22. Tara

    Maybe if you tried to imagine Poe eating Cream of Wheat, you wouldn’t have to worry about premature ejaculation. But then you may have to stress out about impotence instead.

  23. modigli

    The rythym reminds me of Dr. Suess! Maybe you could turn this into a picture book for the premature ejaculator, complete with cute little drawings of Thing One and Thing Two. heheh… 🙂

  24. ms. sizzle

    oh how i needed to laugh! thanks neil. 🙂

    “passed down from jew to jew” ha ha ha…

  25. Caitlinator

    This sounds like something Dr. Seuss would say if he had a sex talk radio show.

  26. Kristy

    Oh my.

  27. maribeth

    Mmmmm…Cream of Wheat…

  28. egan

    Are you sure this is the secret to satisfying your lover? I think if I did this with my wife she would fall asleep. Still a brilliant suggestion. People still eat Cream of Wheat?

    P.S. now I’m told my comment is spam. Your blog doesn’t like me.

  29. Verity

    Fabulous! Just the right mix of romance and lust. Made me smile 🙂

  30. amanda

    SO FUNNY! i love the cadence. brilliant work yet again.

  31. Melissa

    “And get her garden tilled.”

    I haven’t heard that phrase in forever… You must have met aunt at some point. She always used to say that and then wiggle her eye brows.

  32. Blonde Vigilante

    Oh, that was fucking great.

  33. steph

    loved it!

  34. Leesa

    The Dr.Suess of Sex…cool!

  35. wendy

    So great to hear what guys worry about, as girls worry about completely different things. Oh, and by the way, I think it’s very sexy to make a guy lose control…every once in a while.

  36. Bre

    Your rhyming abilities never ceases to amaze me!

  37. question girl

    YOU ROCK

  38. slynne

    I love the “Dr. Suess Talking Sex” reference, because it was so right.

    From now on, I’ll think naughty thoughts when I see or eat cream of wheat.

  39. Miss Syl

    Thanks for the helpful insight
    ‘Cause now I know the score–
    If his shelf’s fulla farina,
    I should run fast for the door!

  40. Jules

    Very FUNNY!!! We’re so difficult!

  41. Megan

    Hi sexy. (I like being random.)

  42. Dani

    Thanks for the funny!

  43. Pearl

    Bravo, Neil. A true poet laureate.

  44. Fitena

    How romantic! lol! Neil I do love your sens of humour! LMAO!

    Fitèna

  45. egan

    I love you!

  46. Steel and Sapphire

    When the cock says ‘it’s done’ is the time I feel most sadness. For me that’s when the poem starts.

  47. Bill

    This post is an old Leonard Cohen song, isn’t it?

  48. ChickyBabe

    Who says romance is dead with poetry like that! 🙂

  49. treespotter

    you leave me wordless. again.

  50. madeleine

    Brilliant……..you pulled it out the bag, again there Neil….very funny

  51. Paris Parfait

    YOU ARE HILARIOUS (and perhaps a bit hysterical).

  52. Jessica

    Hands down, the best part of that was:

    You tell her she is gorgeous,
    You tell her that is why –
    Your passion rose so suddenly,
    And hit her in the eye.

    Neil, I think I love you.

  53. Marilyn

    You had me at “tilled.” This made my day…(sad to think it’s all going to go downhill from here…)

  54. Pearl

    I’ll meet the challenge of writing a poem about sex:

    If a guy doesn’t know whether “to do it”
    with a girlfriend or even a wife
    Let him just remember a grammar rule
    And make it part of his life:

    “WHEN IN DOUBT, LEAVE IT OUT!”

    (Thx for making me a blog crush of the day.)

  55. ruby

    *giggle*

    this is great!

  56. tiff

    Protestants don’t get that lecture, apparently.

  57. Karen Little

    heheh – that’s brilliant! write us some more?

  58. Brooke

    I agree, this is just like Dr. Suess. If he were jewish. And impotent.

  59. peefer

    Well done, Neil, but the cream of wheat an gelato references makes me nervous.

  60. Kestrel

    Cook her cream of wheat eh? Why not “you cook her up a feast?” Trust me, much more romantic. 😛

  61. 2nd Pearl Past the Post

    i don’t believe i ahve even seen a poem addressing that before. Just when you think all the ground has been covered. well, not covered per se. that would be, ahem.

    Um, nice picture. I used to eat cream of wheat until I was told in the middle east it is fed exclusively to pregnant women to help them bulk up.

  62. Lady

    Promised gelato?
    And Cream of Wheat??
    With a suckled toe?!?
    Now this Really does whet.
    For it, I’d never be hard to get!

  63. Me

    Love the poem!

  64. rach

    I’m completely with Catherine on this one,
    What’s the deal with premature ejaculation, it beats impotence?”

    So much pressure on everyone,

    great poem though, it made me smile

  65. Cheap Tart

    Oh my. I love this poem.
    Honest & with food … loved the cream of wheat section! You rule mister.

    Stay cool. I just can’t believe ya’ll are having our Texas weather. Strange!

    SMooch,
    The Tart
    ; )

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