the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Welcome to the Hotel California


"You mean now you actually have to BUY one of those awful sandwiches on an American Airlines flight?"  I asked Ashley, the flight attendant from Dallas, Texas.

She laughed.  Maybe it was the way I asked the question, but she laughed a lot.  She seemed to like me.  I could see her nipples getting hard under her uniform.

Before I knew it, I was in the back of the plane learning what the "mile-high club" was all about. Her uniform flew open as she rode me to her orgasm.  With the flight from Albuquerque to Los Angeles completely full, this seemed like a dangerous thing to do.  But since I’ve always been afraid of flying, I still wore my seatbelt.  As Ashley the flight attendant moaned and came, I thought I heard her say, "Thank you for flying American Airlines."

That’s when i woke up, a legal pad in my hand.  I was going to write a post for this blog, but I must have fallen asleep on the plane. 

I was on the flight with Sophia, her eyes bloodshot, her nose dripping all over the place from her cold.   A baby was crying behind us.  The businessman in front of me leaned his chair back, giving me officially two inches of leg room.  After three weeks away, first at my father’s funeral, then in Albuquerque, it was time to come home.

Life Goes On.

Now that my father has been gone for a few weeks, the "missing" him part is settling in.  It’s weird that he’s just "gone."  I can’t just call him up whenever I want, knowing he’ll be there.  He always ended his conversations by saying, "Be of good cheer," which I always found very weird.  Did he learn that in a British movie from the 1940’s?  But I’ll miss him saying it.

When you’re younger, you think the world revolves around you.  Part of getting older is realizing that it doesn’t.  Even when you go to the better world (whatever that is) —

Life Goes On.

I was out of Los Angeles for three weeks.  Did life just stop there while I was gone?

"Of course not," said the voice on the American Airlines overhead speaker.  "This is Roger Andrews, your pilot.   As we approach LAX, Neil, I’d like to thank you for flying American Airlines, especially since we were too cheap to give you a bereavement fare and you had to use your frequent flier miles.  But then again, it’s fitting that you flew with us, since your father always went with American  American for some unknown reason.  Maybe he thought it was patriotic.   "Always fly with American," he used to say. 

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that," I said.   "So, what happened in Los Angeles while I was gone."

"Neil, this is Roger Andrews, your pilot.  Life went on, as it always does: 

74,300 Iced Blended Non-Fat Mochas were sold at the Coffee Bean.

6,105 women had their boobs made from a B cup to a D cup.

1,520 really bad screenplays were registered with the Writers Guild of America.

7 freeway chases occurred on the 101, four of them covered live on Eyewitness News.

575 new members were inducted at the Hollywood Scientology Center.

4 ICM assistants were promoted to talent agents after giving oral sex to their bosses.

758 Los Angeles residents moved to Oregon.

3, 878 illegal Mexican residents moved to Los Angeles."

Life Goes On.


  1. bella

    But what happened when you landed?

  2. -RM

    Wow…that is a lot of illegal messicans :O!!!!

  3. Anne

    Have you managed to catch up on everything yet?

  4. Miladysa

    Great post – sad to read of your loss.

    ‘Be of good cheer’ is a saying over here such as ‘Chin Up’. Did you father ever visit the UK?

  5. jamy

    Welcome home.

  6. Neil

    Miladysa — I don’t think he was ever in the UK, but he loved old British movies (Alec Guinness-era), so maybe he picked it up there…

  7. M.A.

    Even though life goes on, I think that until you and Sophia returned, L.A. was missing two very bright, witty and fun people.

  8. brandon

    I wonder how many ICM assistants were DEmoted after giving bjs to their bosses? You know, they don’t all do it right, and it can be quite painful if you don’t know what you’re doing.

  9. kate

    First of all, what an awesome dream. LOL. For a minute there, I was really happy for you Neil. LOL.

    Second, I’m sorry about your dad. I can’t imagine a loss like that.

  10. akaky

    “one generation passeth away and another generation ariseth, but the earth endureth forever,” as the Preacher says, Neil. There’s always the next day. And Brandon is quite right, of course; the number of women who treat the object of fellatio as if it were a an oddly shaped corn on the cob is truly shocking. Havent these people seen Fast Time at Ridgemont High? What are they teaching teenaged girls in the cafeteria these days, dammit?!

  11. Dan

    I can’t believe you heard about my promotion to talent agent. News really does travel fast out there…

  12. Neil

    Dan, don’t think I shell out 200 bucks a year for the Hollywood Reporter for nothing.

  13. Pauly D

    You mean, 1,521 really bad scripts were registered with the Writer’s Guild.

  14. Marisa

    Both my parents often remind me to “be of good cheer.” I’m not sure where they got it either.

  15. Neil

    No, Pauly, that last screenplay was just mediocre.

  16. Spirit of Owl

    A dangerous mix of bereavement, sex and airplanes there. I can’t help but wonder if you’re remotely aware of how confused I am right now? Here’s the result: That was hilarious. I’m sorry for your loss. I hate flying. Sex…

  17. Leese

    You write your blog posts on a legal pad?

  18. Neil

    Leese, I know old-fashioned. Always. I would be rewriting things a hundred times if I used the computer and saw right in front of me how bad a sentence was written. I’m way too lazy to ever change anything on paper.

  19. ashbloem

    Neil- glad you are back. Great post, as always.

  20. Jewels

    Welcome Back

  21. Jack

    Actually there were 37 car chases and only 7 of them were televised.

  22. TWM

    D cups — maybe there is a reason to visit California (besides Neil and Sophia) after all.

    Oh, and have you ever tried writing for romance novels? The first paragraph would make a good submission.

  23. Pearl

    Neil, not that my life isn’t exciting enough without a daily dose of your blog, but a day without Citizen of the Month is like…a day without Citizen of the Month. See, nothing can compare to you and your blog!

    Hmmm, I’m thinking that maybe you could’ve made some dreams come true had you flown home via VIRGIN AIRLINES.

    (Neil, I think you’re about 10 years younger than me, but do you remember THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY? When you were in Albuquerque, did you think of the PF episode when their bus breaks down there? Okay…I did, even if you didn’t.)

  24. Colleen

    Oh, it is good to have you back. I feel safer just knowing you’re here.

    Now get over to that IHOP and give us a report from the field, dammit. All we get is boring news about L.A. when you’re out of town.

  25. Kari

    I’m sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my Mom not too long ago. I love your site. I’ve bookmarked you! Thanks for dropping by!

  26. Tatyana

    How on Earth could you read my “Air travel” draft on Blogger?
    I have to rewrite it now, thanks a lot.

    Hope you finally got some decent chicken soup for Sophia, upon landing.

    Brandon, why did you assume the assistant’ boss is a man? Or even better, in plural, are men? Surely there are some assistants out there knowing how orally please a woman. Or is it asking for much?

  27. Gregg

    Neil- Bereavement fares from a airline? Not possible ‘cuz they get such pleasure from making you suffer. That is, except for JetBlue who seems intent on making flying fun again.

    I am sorry to hear about your loss. My father passed away almost 20 years ago, and I still have Bergman-esque dreams ala “Fanny and Alexander” where he visits me but doesn’t speak.

    Hope the daily routine helps keep your mind occupied for a while. -Gregg

  28. Hope

    You forgot to list the number of bloggers who’s lives came to a complete halt while you were away from LA. Or maybe that was just me.

  29. ms. sizzle

    welcome home. never thought i’d be glad to see someone return to LA, but i am. 🙂

  30. amanda

    oh, neil, how you slay me. okay, now seriously, why ISN’T this a sit-com. it’s like a jewish herman’s head. i LOVED that show.

  31. Neil

    Thanks for the kind words.

    By the way, I completely forgot that before I had to run back to NY, I had an assignment that my readers/editors had chosen for me:

    Imagine if that was a real assignment. I would surely be fired by now. A perfect example of how life goes on. If this was a real assignment, I probably would have gone home for three days, then immediately come back to work on it — because I wouldn’t want to get a bad reputation. There’s very little time to mourn in the real world when you’re a more responsible person than I am.

    But I’m trying to be a responsible person now, so my assignment will be on your desks exactly October 12, one week from tomorrow!

    And Tatyana — you’re absolutely correct about Brandon being sexist. It definitely could have been a female boss. Unfortunately, the problem with female bosses is that even after you spend an hour giving them oral sex, they still don’t promote you until you buy them flowers afterwards and tell them how thin they look.

  32. He's Dead, Jim!

    No bereavement fare? A long nAAsty letter is in order. Perhaps you should include a sandwich?

    It is said that losing one’s parent is losing the last vestiges of one’s childhood. Mom died almost a year ago and the wounds are still fresh.

    All the best to you in continuing to be of good cheer.

  33. Heather

    So sorry to hear about your loss. Those words just never sound right, but sadly, being as I am a terrible writer, I can’t think of anything to do it justice.

    And, PS-you made me thirsty with the mocha comment. 🙂

  34. Tatyana

    Neil, male bosses expect you to buy them coffee the way they like it, and routinely forget to pay for it. After everything else.
    And they still don’t promote you.

  35. ashbloem

    I also meant to tell you, of course, great choice with the flight attendant. I hear all the Ashle*s from Texas do it best.

  36. Neil

    Whoops. Are you an Ashley from Texas?

    My lawyers suggest that you read the small print on the bottom of this page: Any resemblance to anyone living or any sex fantasies that occur on this site with a character with the exact same name of a certain blogger are purely coincidental…

    Uh oh, I just remembered — one of my other readers is a flight attendant.

    I’m gonna be sued all over the place!

  37. Storm

    Wow! I was getting all excited reading your story and…BAM…it’s just a dream. Drats! LOL

  38. Megan

    Oh Neil, it’s so wonderful to have you back. I was just thinking to myself before reading this that it just doesn’t feel like a normal day without a piece of you. Wait, that came out wrong. I mean, without a piece of your words…or something like that.

    LA missed you while you were gone. Well, actually, I’m not sure about that, but the IE sure missed you.

    (Is it wrong that your sex dream got me a little hot?)

  39. Neil

    Megan — I thought the only thing that got you hot nowadays was the Anaheim, uh, Los Angeles Angels.

  40. mrsmogul

    You had me at the first paragraph. My friend just moved to LA…she doesnt drive!

  41. Sandra

    …there were 258 protests in San Francisco. 4 people paid attention…

  42. Jacynth

    I still believe that Ms. Milligan, my kindergarten teacher should still be at my old elementary school decked out ’70s style with open arms. So what if I left and grew up? She should still be there damn it!

  43. Brooke

    Neil, your stuff keeps getting better and better.

    Who knew you were such a sex fiend?

  44. Megan

    Neil, you know what would get me really hot? You in an Angels uniform. Or, at least a hat. Could you hold a bat for me if you only wear a hat? Hubba hubba.

  45. Neil

    Megan, wow, you really take your baseball seriously. The men of Irvine and Costa Mesa better watch out for you if the Angels win the series again.

  46. inky

    My father has been deceased for almost 8 years now and I can still remember as if it was yesterday some of the things he would always say. And I kid you not, but still entering my childhood home, the place where he actually died at from a massive heart attack, I can still faintly smell his cologne all over the house. It’s a bit comforting but I know he is there with us all of the time. I am again sorry about your father. Never believe anyone if they tell you it is TIME to get over the grieving… there’s no time limit. Ever. Take care.

  47. sunshine

    Well said, Inky. I would like to second that.

  48. The Moviequill

    ‘Her uniform flew open as she rode me to her orgasm.’…this happened to me once before too, but when I woke up the seatbelt was stuck around my waist rubbing the wrong way

  49. M

    oh-blah-dee, oh-blah-dah, brother. Oh. blah. dee.

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