the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

A Croc of a Post


My blog editor burst into my office, fear on her face.

“Are you trying to destroy your blog?” screamed Sophia. “The blog we’ve been working so hard to build into an empire?!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“Look at your last couple of posts.  First you encouraged women to write pornographic comments on your posts.”

“Big deal. So we lost a couple of prudes.”

“Then you practically called all your French-born readers a bunch of anti-Semites.”

“Yeah, they can stick some Freedom Fries up their ***!”

“You need to start writing some positive feel-good material.”

“I wrote yesterday about how wonderful you were in your gig on NBC’s “Windfall.”

“And look what happened? Your site crashed for half the day. No one read the post for twelve hours!”

“I’m sure those who missed it are going to go back and read it today.”

“Whom are you kidding? NO ONE ever goes back and reads a day-old post.”

As a former amateur child magician, I am always prepared with a trick.

“Uh… say… uh… hey… how about we go buy you some new shoes?” I said with a smile.


“Yes. Some Crocs.”


“Yes, I hear that they are the most comfortable shoes around. All the women are talking about it.”

“Since when do you know about women’s shoes?”

“Come on, let’s go buy a pair!”


(And they say you never learn anything by reading blogs)

At the pool. (via giddygoon)
At her wedding. (via ashlover)
On male soldier in Afghanistan (via violinsoldier)


A Year Ago On Citizen of the Month: Sue Me


  1. Scarlet

    I’ve heard they are great for retail jobs where one has to stand up all day. I do not speak from experience, though. I hate to go there, but do they get a bit….sweaty in the summer? EW.

  2. fringes

    No one ever goes back to read a day-old post? There are people in your comments sidebar still hashing it out over a post you wrote in 2005.

  3. M.A.

    Please explain the croc phenomenon further. Thanks!

  4. Neil

    Fringes — Oh, those are just the angry short men who like to insult women a lot!

  5. Danny

    I still don’t get Crocs. To me they look like Minnie Mouse’s shoes but my wife and daughter LOVE theirs. Would you ever wear a pair, Neil? Are you man enough to brave the stares and titters?

  6. Ash

    Now if that wasn’t a blatant use of Crocs to get in someone’s pants …err… good books, then I don’t what is 😉

    Sophia’s feet look *much* nicer than mine in her Crocs. Love the colour and the ankle bracelet too!

  7. The Retropolitan

    They look like they’re made of some sort of foamy rubber packing material. That’s probably comfy, but it looks like they’d be sweaty.

  8. AWE

    OH NO! Neil is posting about Crocs. Step away from the light Neil.

  9. V-Grrrl

    When I was in Germany recently, I got the ultimate souvenir–a pair of Florida Birkenstocks in a very mod pink floral print.

    For those who have paid more than a hundred dollars for them in the U.S., the Germans sell them for less than $40 regular price, and I got mine on sale!

    Happy Dance! Happy Dance!

  10. Charming, but single

    Crocs rule. I totally love mine. They are the most comfortable shoes ever. You should only get the bright colored ones though … because if you’re going to wear crazy plastic foam shoes that look crazy, you should get them in the most obnoxious color possible.

    Mine are pink. See?

  11. Trixie

    Forget the impending failure of your blog…THAT’S what those things are called!!! CROC’S!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’ve seen them everywhere lately. Ugly as hell, they are, and I’ll never be caught dead in them, but seriously, thanks for the info.

  12. cruisin-mom

    Women will buy into anything won’t they?
    (those things make Birkenstocks look fashionable)

  13. Caryn

    I have seen these everywhere and didn’t know they had a name (which shows how out of the loop and uncool I really am). Once again, Citizen of the Month has come through to enlighten me. Thanks, Neil!

  14. Pearl

    Neil, I wrote about this footwear in early June:

    My young son and daughter are setting the trends in this house. They’re a tough act to follow…

    Sophia: “Teetchadshee.”

  15. kristen

    Those purple ones are the best of the croc craze, but they aren’t for me. Of course since I wear birkenstocks almost daily, I’m in no position to judge. Furthering my ‘behind the times’ status, I do go back and read day old posts.

  16. Leesa

    I was in a veterinary clinic yesterday and most of the staff were wearing them. I think I’ll pass.

  17. Elisabeth

    I would never be caught dead in them, but to each his/her own… (this from someone who owns a pair of bright orange Chuck Taylor low-tops. Not the epitome of chic either.)

  18. Neil

    Danny – I added a photo of a soldier in Afghanistan wearing Crocs. YOU tell him he looks like a sissy.

  19. Lynn

    Yes, please do explain this strange phenomenon. I am trying to understand why people think that wearing Gumby is cool…
    (Although you seem to be very cool, as does Sophie, but CROCS?)

    PS: Dooce has been having a blog row with her husband re: Crocs. So far he’s winning and I think it’s terrible.

  20. Blonde Vigilante

    I bought my mom a pair of green ones for her birthday. She loves them…she loves gaudy things so it works out perfectly. And, they are comfortable, they’re just ugly as shit.

  21. Heather B.

    What’s with the rampant Croc posting on blogs lately?? I don’t get it.

  22. Kevin

    Those are the strangest looking things I’ve ever seen. Even Katie thinks so.

  23. Lou P.

    Someday when people in another decade are bagging on trends in this era, they’ll use Crocs as an example of bad 2000s fashion. And rightfully so, I might add.

  24. Ash

    For those fearing sweaty feet – one’s feet don’t sweat in Crocs! Well mine don’t, and they sweat in everything else. I think it helps that they can be washed and bleached.

    They’re really airy too and great for making impromptu hops in water fountains when its very hot. You don’t *really* want to take your shoes off to go in there but its kind of nice to get your feet wet.

  25. Neil

    Lynn — I just checked out Dooce’s post on Crocs. Like always, she’s stealing post ideas again, even if she did write hers two weeks before me.

  26. eeekat

    This is so funny; just the other day I was talking about these things, trying to figure out why everyone is going so bonkers over shoes that are sold in SUPERMARKETS….To me they’re in the same league as Famolares or Cherokees. Hideous!

  27. TWM

    Neil please do not buy and wear Crocs, because frankly, unless you ARE a soldier serving in a war zone they do look sissy.

  28. mckay

    i still haven’t bought Ugg boots.

  29. ms. sizzle

    smart, very very smart my dear.

    i wish i didn’t think them ugly or i’d go buy myself a pair.

  30. Non-Highlighted Heather

    Are you man enough to brave the stares and titters?

    Well, I don’t know about the stares, but he certainly wouldn’t mind the tit….oh….wait….never mind.

    Now see? I can be a little randy when I want to be. Prude, schmude.

  31. schrodinger

    These plastic shoes are HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE. Who in their right mind would buy something like that?? – oh, right. All of us did, in the 80s. Jellies.

  32. Karen Little

    I love crocs a lot… They are my favourite newish thing. I’m just not so keen on them with socks.

  33. egan

    Please tell me you didn’t say “Freedom Fries”, pretty please.

  34. chantel

    Dooce is waging a war with her husband about these. She may never comment on your blog if you support the crocs?

  35. Melissa

    I would not own a pair, I don’t care if they made me orgasm every third step. No.

  36. ACG

    i’m with melissa.
    no way on crocs.

  37. Rabbit

    I have seen those stupid things on men, women and children. I don’t care how popular they are. They’re still ugly.


    Is the bathing hat Cros’s too? I like the idea of matching shoes and hats.

  39. Tara

    Even if they gave you an orgasm every third step? And you still say no? Wow, you must really hate Crocs then.

  40. chloe

    neil you are very comfortable in your masculinity to be wearing those. it takes courage, it takes a MAN. 🙂

  41. Neil

    Yeah, but when does that orgasm every third step begin? Do you have to first wear the shoes in for a while, like a baseball glove?

  42. Kevin

    Hey, I just discovered I’m your Blog Crush! Sweet! Thanks, Neil!

  43. Bre

    I have said it before, and I will say it again … “Most comfortable shoes ever” but they happen to be “the ugliest shoes you ever did see!”

    JUST SAY NO TO CLOGS! If you must own crocs, they have an almost stylish pair of flip-flops available on their website call the “athens”

  44. velma

    you’re doing this on purpose to drive me back out of my mind –
    — oh —
    – guess I realize you don’t ever read my babble – three days ago when I was reviewing my cremation instructions… I wouldn’t be caught DEAD in these – not even a croc box.

  45. Jack Yan

    I did read that day-old post. And noticed it there, top of page, for two days. And at least Crocs aren’t those fluffy slippers that were the nadir of fashion down here—that would be naff.

  46. Brooke

    Oh Sophia!!! Distracted by plastic shoes! I’m very disappointed.

  47. egan

    I guess only the women’s comments are responded to. I feel so cheated. I’m growing breasts tonight from a petrie dish.

  48. ChickyBabe

    Nice decoy 😉 but I wouldn’t be seen dead with these shoes!

  49. Neil

    Egan — Then I’ll speak with you tomorrow.

  50. Danny

    Wait, was that you complaining above that you didn’t get a lot of comments on your previous post about Sophia’s TV show? Um…hello? 54 comments? I wouldn’t get that many comments on my blog if I featured nude pictures of Jacqueline Bissett in every post. Okay, maybe that reference is a bit old but we saw her speak last night at a screening of “Airport” at the Academy and she is still one of the most jaw-droppingly beautiful women I’ve ever seen. I wonder if she wears Crocs…

  51. Danny

    Don’t mean to be stalking your blog (I never thought I’d have three comments on a post about the dreaded CROCS), but I just saw the comment from your “blog crush” of the day and was spooked because I *think* he is related to someone that I just got an email from, a woman I am planning my high school reunion with. Hey, Kevin, are you related to Barbara and Keith Apgar, formerly of Chicago, now living in London? Too weird. Keith is distantly related to the famous Apgar of the Apgar Test that all new babies receive (there was also a “Star Trek” character named after him).

    And Neil, you bastard, I thought your “blog crush” feature was yet another online flirting tool, I didn’t know that male bloggers were also eligible. Don’t you realize that having that feature is like parents saying they like one child best: it instantly turns the kids againt each other as they pathetically plead for attention (as I’m doing now). Oh, the power you wield.

  52. Neil

    Danny — I hope these Apgars are related. That would be too cool for words. Like two long-lost relatives meeting each other meeting on a blog post about Crocs. Maybe there can be a Crocs commercial about this. And we all can get rich! Do you hear that Crocs Company?! Forget the naysayers who hate your shoes. Your company has brought people together! I can even see the ad campaign now, “Crocs: As seen on Citizen of the Month. The Ugly Shoe That Brings Beauty to the World.”

  53. Erin

    dude… dooce HATES the crocs…. she’s gonna come after you!

  54. egan

    dammit, “petri”. Back to my experiment.

  55. Jules

    Neil, tell Sophia I read day old posts, especially when I’ve been really busy and have enjoyed quite a few of yours recently.

    As for Crocs…I’ve given in and bought them for my girls and now we never have a fight about getting shoes on or putting them away. We’ve also discovered that my dogs think they are quite tasty!

  56. Stefanie

    I’m gettin’ some of them crocs. I’m so behind on the fashion trends. Thank God for people like you to open my eyes to the newest in comfortable footwear.

    I drank a lot in Vegas and didn’t win any money. The buy in was a grand.

  57. Tatyana

    I second Brooke.
    If ever Sophia, my hero, is to be distracted from a topic, I expect the shoes be at least as ugly as these ones.

    By the way, if you want to hear what The Manolo he says about the crocs, just type the hateful word into his search bar. Aaaayyyy.

  58. Non-Highlighted Heather

    I think the only place to get authentic Petrie dishes is at Rob and Laura’s house.

  59. Janet

    I fear trying on crocs. What if they really are as comfortable as everyone is saying? They are so ugly!

  60. Kevin

    Danny and Neil, I can grab the family tree information from my parents and find out. I don’t know offhand what our relationship would be although I do know that just about every Apgar came from the same two brothers who immigrated to the U.S. back in the 1700s (I believe). Most of our ancestors live in New Jersey and I do know that I am distantly related to Virginia Apgar (creator of the baby test).

    Wanna hear something funny? I took a child development class back in college and, when I took the final exam, the questions that I missed were all about the Apgar Test. I couldn’t remember what the hell the acronym was. Go fig, eh?

  61. Kristy

    PLEASE don’t put them in the dishwasher with plates and silverware and anything that a human eats off of. Just promise.

  62. arcadia

    I still maintain that they’re hands-down the ugliest shoes i have ever seen.

  63. wordgirl

    But…but…they make one’s feet look fat.

  64. Hart

    Loving your blog. Sorry to disappoint, but I wont be commenting in porno-style… not a prude, just don’t have it in me that much! 🙂

    About Day of the Fall – it IS published. You can check it out on: (and check that little Brittish flag to actually understand what it says) 🙂

  65. Fitena

    What happened after that, did Sophia chose to have Crocs? That’s the question!


  66. Neil

    In every generation, there are the conservative ones who want to keep the status quo, and the trendsetters who move society forward. In the 1930s, it was thought of as obscene for a man not to wear an undershirt, until Clark Gable did so. Every man wore a hat outside until JFK. Old-timers mocked the Beatles and their ugly long hair. Do you remember when no one wore jeans to work — EVER? Or went out on the town in SNEAKERS? Or didn’t wear a bra?

    Remember that Croc naysayers… when the next President of the United States is seen going to Camp David in his orange Crocs.

  67. Bill

    What I like best about crocs (or whatever they’re called) is how much they remind me of the sixties and what we thought the future would look like. I’m sure I saw crocs at Expo ’67 in Montreal (that was Canada’s centennial year, btw.)

    And I’m SURE if you hunt with an eagle eye you’ll see crocs in some episode of the original Star Trek.

  68. Jack Yan

    Danny, out of curiosity, would you do a Jacqueline Bisset post? Please?

  69. treespotter

    shoes always work in under circumstances. If they had nine west back then, ol’ Bill would’ve used shoes n not flowers really.

    very apt.

  70. Russell Allen

    I’m sure if Princess Di was still around she’d give her pair to her assistant

  71. girlgoyle

    They might be comfy but boy are they fugly shoes!

  72. mari

    argh! I keep seeing those! They’re like wearing toads for shoes!

  73. Pearl

    I can imagine your Croc owner readers saying, “Neil, I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!”

  74. Tuck

    What a croc of …..

  75. Alissa

    I just wanted to let you know it’s a day later and I just read this post for the first time. Oh, and I L-O-V-E my Crocs 🙂

  76. amanda

    mario batali wears orange ones.

  77. Anomie-Atlanta

    I’m a fan of the Croc-flops. They are still comfy and eliminate the foot sweat problem. BTW, I’m reading a day old blog.


  78. Rachel

    Ugliest. Shoes. Ever.

  79. introspectre

    I always have to go back and read older posts. I don’t read them everyday, sheeeeeet, I have stuff to DO! Stuff involving writing about dildos and nipple clamps and destroying any chance of prissy readership.

    But this isn’t about me. This is about you, and how I bow at your feet. Although I find the croc to be revoltingly ugly and refuse to wear it, any man who knows to diffuse a woman-bomb with offers of shoe buying is a God.

    Congrats on your God status in my book, Neil.

  80. Alison

    I still lurve my Crocs, two weeks on, (and hey, here I am leaving a comment to an old post!), but I will say that I enjoy them more when I alternate days with other footwear. Like my Birks, or my flip-flops.

    Thanks for the link, by the way. 🙂 Glad to know that someone out there is listening.

  81. Alison

    Ouch. My comment didn’t make much sense, did it? It’s way past my bedtime.

    That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

  82. Vincenzo Ravina

    Crocs are the worst. And because I hate them so, I bought the domain I Hate Crocs Dot Com ( in an effort to end the Crocs pandemic once and for all. Rally around! Stop the Crocs outbreak!

  83. Miss Eight-oh-Five

    Ugh. HATE the Crocs. I was home (in Kansas) for Easter this year, at the mall (I love to go to an enormous MALL when I’m in Kansas, to bask in the space-gorging of all that is suburbia) and my sister said, “Have you noticed the shoes everyone is wearing? What ARE those?” ICK. We were happy to live three states away from such fashion horrors. Then we flew back to Chicago, and on the el ride home, saw our first pair of urban Crocs. It’s malignant and spreading.

  84. john

    These flops are extremely versatile and can be worn with jeans, shorts or even a dress. Havaianas are known for their durability and butter soft footbed..

  85. Tamara

    Keep an eye out for my own Croc post, later today 🙂 And I’m reading a post a year old . Wheeee

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