I’m not sure if Sophia and I will ever get back together, but I don’t regret being married to her at all. I learned so much about women by being married to one.
Last night, I was watching one of those awful R-rated movies they show on Cinemax at midnight — the ones that are more boring than titillating. Towards the end of the movie, one of the male characters ends up in bed with two beautiful (but very fake-boobed) women. My mind drifted from the cheesy sex scene to my own thoughts. I said to myself:
"A menage a trois is the fantasy of a man before marriage. Sure, I used to have these fantasies. My fantasies were as diverse as Los Angeles. I used to see myself in bed with a white woman, a black woman, an Asian woman, and a Latina — all at the same time. But now I realize the absurdity of the whole menage a trois fantasy."
Why? First of all, it’s difficult enough making one woman happy in bed. But two? I’d have to be working out in the gym five times a week just to have enough stamina!
And what exactly are you supposed to do with Connie while you’re having sex with Sarah — talking about the latest episode of "Beauty and the Geek"?
And I know how women think. You’ll be doing something interesting with one woman and the other woman is going to get pissed.
Sarah: "You’ve been giving her oral sex for fifteen minutes, but I only get ten? What am I — chopped liver? I know what the problem is. You think I’m too fat."
Me: No. No. Of course not.
Sarah: You like her better because she’s a skinny bitch. I see how you look at her thighs. I’m sorry mine are so fat.
Me: They aren’t fat. I love your thighs, exactly how they are.
Sarah: Liar! I hate you! I hate you!
Sarah ends up throwing something at me. That’s certainly going to ruin the mood. And think of all the complications the next morning. I’m not just talking about all three of us going to Farmer’s Market for breakfast.
Me: I’ll call you later, Sarah. I’ll call you later, Connie.
Connie: And who are you going to call first?
Me: I’ll call you Sarah at 3. I’ll call you Connie at 4.
Connie: I see. You’re calling her first because she has bigger tits than me. Well, I’m sorry I’m flat! I hate you! I hate you!
Connie ends up throwing something at me.
Men, drop this menage a trois fantasy. In reality, it would be more trouble than you realize.
