the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: Happy New Year

My Last Post of 2006


One of the coolest events in the Los Angeles area is the Tournament of Roses Parade.  I have always liked it better than the over-produced Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York, which is mostly about selling cheesy Broadway shows to tourists from the Midwest.  With my mother in town, Sophia decided that we should actually go to the Pasadena parade this year.  Since none of us are the “camping out on the sidewalk” types, we decided to get tickets by searching on Craig’s List, since most of the good tickets were already sold.  

After several days of looking, Sophia found someone named Mark in Northern California selling his tickets for face value.   Being a cautious type myself, I was reluctant to buy tickets from a stranger, but Sophia liked Mark on the phone, so to make me feel better, she googled his phone number, and proved to me that he was a legitimate guy.  So, off went our money via PayPal. 

After we received our tickets the next morning, Sophia emailed Mark to thank him.  She mentioned that she googled him.   He was gracious and told us to have a great time at the parade.  He also gave some advice — take something to sit on because the benches are uncomfortable.

“Maybe you can even take some padded toilet seats,” Mark joked, proving that just as you can google other people’s names, other people can google YOUR name!”

This will be my last post of 2006.  It was a very good blogging year.  A year ago this very week, I was a depressed and overdramatic blogger, mostly because of an experience I had writing for Blogebrity.    But 2006 was all about good times and friendship.  Bloggers sent me fall leaves when I missed New York.  Bloggers sent me photos of their beds when Sophia was in New York.  Bloggers voted for me in blog elections.  Bloggers sent me gifts.  Bloggers sang Holiday songs.  Thank you, funny bloggers.  Thank you, serious bloggers.  Thank you, poetry bloggers.  Thank you, mommy bloggers.

Neil’s Penis comes out, cheering along.

Neil’s Penis:  Here, here!  And don’t forget the knitting bloggers!  Thank you, too!

Neil:  Well, hello Penis.  You seem to be in a joyous mood.  Usually you’re berating me for our poorly attended sex life.

Neil’s Penis:  Well, a new year requires a new attitude.  And I want to start things fresh.  No more thinking of you as a dunce. 

Neil:  A dunce?!

Neil’s Penis:  Well, in the past, I may have said some unfortunate things about you.  It was mostly out of frustration.  I mean, here you are with women eating out of your hand and you’re not f***ing a single one of them!  What’s the point of doing all this?  But I understand you were brought up to be “respectful” of women and you’re not going to change without a lot of therapy.

Neil:  You should realize that most of the women who blog are very intelligent individuals who wish to express themselves through their writing.  Most of them have college degrees from fancy universities.

Neil’s Penis:   You are so naive.  Don’t you get it?  The fancier the college, the harder they f**k.

Neil:  Penis, please…   Shut your mouth!  This is my last post of  2006.  I don’t want to end things with obscene nonsense.  In fact, I get quite emotional at the end of the year.  I think about my successes and failures of the past year and ponder the future.  And I feel so close to so many of my blogging friends… 

Neil’s Penis:   Jesus, you are such a drama queen!   Success and failures.  Blogging friends.  You are SOOO gay.

Neil:   Penis, I actually have gay readers!  I sincerely apologize to all my gay readers for anything my Penis says.  I do not subscribe to any gender stereotypes.  I believe straights, gays, and transgenders, and all other possible combinations are all…

Neil’s Penis:   You know, if I had to guess which of your blogger friends has the best tits, I would guess Ms. Sizzle.  What do you think?

Neil:  I really don’t think about those things.

Neil’s Penis:   Yeah… RIGHT!  You know your problem is that you complicate things.  That’s your problem with your life.  My approach is simple.  I get up every morning at the crack of dawn, I take care of my business, and then I’m happy for the rest of the day.

Neil:  You know sometimes I wonder why I even let you talk on this blog.  You make this blog so “low-class,” as my mother might say.   Who’s ever going to hire me for a decent job with you hanging around? 

Neil’s Penis:   That’s good.  You won’t need to worry about me hanging around any longer.

Neil:  What do you mean, Penis?

Neil’s Penis:   It’s almost 2007.  And I’ve made my New Year’s resolutions.  One of them is to finally start my own blog.  Why should I always be the second banana — the Lewis to the Martin and Lewis? 

Neil:  Don’t make me laugh.  What kind of blog are YOU going to write?

Neil’s Penis:   A knitting blog.

Neil:  A knitting blog?  You, my Penis, are going to write a knitting blog?

Neil’s Penis:   Have you seen how many readers those knitting blogs get?   How many links?!  Your dumb “personal” blog is never going to get any advertisers.  But imagine the demographics of a blog catering to knitters, especially one written by a Penis!   No one has ever seen that before!  Ka-Ching!  And the best thing about knitters is: these women like to be hands-on — in more ways than one!

Neil:  You’re crazy.  No one is going to read your blog!  You don’t even know how to knit!

Neil’s Penis:   I’ll learn. 

Neil:  It’ll take you years.

Neil’s Penis:   So, what?  It took you 14 years to learn to find a woman’s clitoris, but you finally figured it out, I think.  We all can learn.  Besides, it just happens that when you were watching The Sound of Music last week on TV, I went to the Holiday Party of the Los Angeles chapter of the Stich N Bitch and made quite a few friends…

Neil:   Stich N Bitch?  You’re really serious about this.  I don’t know what to say.   I certainly didn’t want 2006 to end this way — with you and I splitting up.

Neil’s Penis:   (in a whisper)  Psst… don’t worry.  We’re not really going to split up.  This is a a dramatic device called a “cliffhanger,” sucking the reader in with an unresolved ending to make sure they come back on January 1, 2007.

Neil:  (whispered back) Oh, I see.  Thank God!  For a second, I thought you were really going to leave me writing this blog by myself.  I’m already all anxious about what is going to happen in 2007.  I’m damn lucky that I still have you as a loyal friend.  Do I?

Neil’s Penis starts putting on a sweater.

Neil:  Where the hell did you get that?

Neil’s Penis:   Oh, this thing?  It’s just something that a couple of knitting bloggers made for me at the Stitch N Bitch?

Willie Warmer

Neil’s Penis’ phone rings.

Neil’s Penis:   Hello?  Oh, hi “Knitting Girrrl.”  Sure thing.  With you and and the Knitster?  I love samba music.  I’ll pick you guys up in fifteen minutes.

He hangs up the phone.

Neil’s Penis:   See ya, Neilochka.  Don’t wait up.

Before Neil’s Penis has a chance to leave, Sophia enters.  A curtain closes behind her, hiding Neil and his Penis.   

Sophia:  And so ends another season of “Citizen of the Month.”  What happens next?  Is this really the end of the relationship between Neil and his Penis?  Has his Penis grown so impatient with Neilochka’s lack of a sex life that he has simply moved on?  Is this really the end of the relationship between Neil and myself?  Will Neil ever go into therapy?  Will he find a decent job?  Will he start a new script?  Will he continue his “illegal squatting” at my place?  Will he move out soon or will I have to kick him out into the street?  These questions and MORE will be answered on Citizen of the Month, returning to the blogosphere on January 1, 2007. 

Happy New Year!  Much love from Neilochka and the gang.

Better than Therapy


I once taking a screenwriting class where the teacher kept on drilling this point into us:

It is not really important what a character says, but what he does.  It is his actions that determine his true "character."

Talk can mask the truth.  It is easy to deceive ourselves.  That’s why some people go into therapy — in order to dig deeper into themselves and learn what really makes them tick.

Well, I’m going to save you some money here.  Forget therapy.  Toss your Prozac.  Do what I did last night, and go through all your blog posts to come up with a list of your "favorite posts" to put on your sidebar.  I used to have my "Most Popular Posts" there, but they were usually the posts I hated the most, about Nicole Richie and anorexic women.   So, now I put up some posts I liked. 

And, really, what better way to analyze your "real" interests in life, than examining what you wrote about all year on your blog?  I recommend that all bloggers do this.

I consider myself a cultured person, so I was a bit shocked that I didn’t write one serious post about a book.  I never brought up poetry, ballet, or art, at least not directly.  I rarely talked about world events.  I made a brief mention of Katrina, and that was it.

90% of my posts were about Sophia, my parents, blogging, Jews, and my penis — not necessarily in that order.  Is this what really occupied my mind in 2005?

What was on your mind during 2005?

Of course, we all change, and 2006 can bring on a whole new set of priorities.  Hopefully, I’ll find a great job and write about my career often — that is until they fire me for blogging about my job.  Maybe I’ll start dating someone new and write about "my dating life." 

Who really knows what the future brings?

Male Voice:  "Uh, excuse me, Neil…"

Neil looks down.  It is his penis, talking to him from inside his pants.

Penis:  "Does this mean you’re not going to talk about me anymore?"

Neil:  Penis, don’t be hurt.  It’s not that I don’t love you.  I just think it’s time to act more mature, especially after all that conflict on Blogebrity.  It’s really not appropriate to write about you online.

Penis:  I thought the whole point of this post was to show "what you were really interested in" during 2005…

Neil:  I have other interests besides sex.  Didn’t I just come back from the Getty Museum, where I saw the exhibit, Painted Prayers: The Book of Hours in Medieval and Renaissance Art?

Penis:  Oh, yeah, right.  Like you were really interested in that.

Neil:  Actually, it was very interesting.  Did you know that for three hundred years, from about 1250 to 1550, the book of hours was the "bestseller" in Europe?

Penis:  Yawn!  Hey, did you notice that Sophia looked really good in that new dress she bought at Macy’s?  Did she lose some weight?  Her ass really looked good.

Neil:  Penis, stop it.   I’m busy now.  I want to blog a little bit about this museum exhibit I just went to.

Penis:  I noticed you took a great deal of interest in that statue of Venus.  Can you imagine how hot it would be to fuck someone from 100 A.D.?


Neil:  Penis!

Penis:  It’s getting a little uncomfortable and tight down here, Neil.   It would be nice to breathe some fresh air.

Neil:  My mother is downstairs!

Penis:  And Sophia?

Neil:  She’s in the shower.

Penis:  Ha ha ha!  Hmmmm… sexy…. where’s all that blood flowing, Neil?

Neil:  I give up!

Penis:  Just testing you, Neil.  You can try to hide from me, but you know that it is impossible.  Many a man has tried to battle his penis, and few have survived.  You can say all day that you won’t write about me in 2006, but you will.  Mark my words – you will. 

Neil’s Penis turns to you, the reader.

Penis (Cont’d):  Now as Neil washes his face with cold water, let me wish all bloggers out there a Happy New Year from both me and Neil.  We hope that the New Year brings joy and happiness to you and your families.  Happy 2006! 

Today on Blogebrity:  Nicole Does Craigslist:  (Nicole’s Blog)

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