I once taking a screenwriting class where the teacher kept on drilling this point into us:
It is not really important what a character says, but what he does. It is his actions that determine his true "character."
Talk can mask the truth. It is easy to deceive ourselves. That’s why some people go into therapy — in order to dig deeper into themselves and learn what really makes them tick.
Well, I’m going to save you some money here. Forget therapy. Toss your Prozac. Do what I did last night, and go through all your blog posts to come up with a list of your "favorite posts" to put on your sidebar. I used to have my "Most Popular Posts" there, but they were usually the posts I hated the most, about Nicole Richie and anorexic women. So, now I put up some posts I liked.
And, really, what better way to analyze your "real" interests in life, than examining what you wrote about all year on your blog? I recommend that all bloggers do this.
I consider myself a cultured person, so I was a bit shocked that I didn’t write one serious post about a book. I never brought up poetry, ballet, or art, at least not directly. I rarely talked about world events. I made a brief mention of Katrina, and that was it.
90% of my posts were about Sophia, my parents, blogging, Jews, and my penis — not necessarily in that order. Is this what really occupied my mind in 2005?
What was on your mind during 2005?
Of course, we all change, and 2006 can bring on a whole new set of priorities. Hopefully, I’ll find a great job and write about my career often — that is until they fire me for blogging about my job. Maybe I’ll start dating someone new and write about "my dating life."
Who really knows what the future brings?
Male Voice: "Uh, excuse me, Neil…"
Neil looks down. It is his penis, talking to him from inside his pants.
Penis: "Does this mean you’re not going to talk about me anymore?"
Neil: Penis, don’t be hurt. It’s not that I don’t love you. I just think it’s time to act more mature, especially after all that conflict on Blogebrity. It’s really not appropriate to write about you online.
Penis: I thought the whole point of this post was to show "what you were really interested in" during 2005…
Neil: I have other interests besides sex. Didn’t I just come back from the Getty Museum, where I saw the exhibit, Painted Prayers: The Book of Hours in Medieval and Renaissance Art?
Penis: Oh, yeah, right. Like you were really interested in that.
Neil: Actually, it was very interesting. Did you know that for three hundred years, from about 1250 to 1550, the book of hours was the "bestseller" in Europe?
Penis: Yawn! Hey, did you notice that Sophia looked really good in that new dress she bought at Macy’s? Did she lose some weight? Her ass really looked good.
Neil: Penis, stop it. I’m busy now. I want to blog a little bit about this museum exhibit I just went to.
Penis: I noticed you took a great deal of interest in that statue of Venus. Can you imagine how hot it would be to fuck someone from 100 A.D.?
Penis: It’s getting a little uncomfortable and tight down here, Neil. It would be nice to breathe some fresh air.
Neil: My mother is downstairs!
Penis: And Sophia?
Neil: She’s in the shower.
Penis: Ha ha ha! Hmmmm… sexy…. where’s all that blood flowing, Neil?
Neil: I give up!
Penis: Just testing you, Neil. You can try to hide from me, but you know that it is impossible. Many a man has tried to battle his penis, and few have survived. You can say all day that you won’t write about me in 2006, but you will. Mark my words – you will.
Neil’s Penis turns to you, the reader.
Penis (Cont’d): Now as Neil washes his face with cold water, let me wish all bloggers out there a Happy New Year from both me and Neil. We hope that the New Year brings joy and happiness to you and your families. Happy 2006!
Today on Blogebrity: Nicole Does Craigslist: (Nicole’s Blog)
Happy 2006 to you AND your penis. May you both share wonderful experiences together.
A list of favourite posts is a great idea. I may just do that. But it may be too revealing. I seem to have written a number about shit and my ass. What the hell’s THAT say about me?
Wow, New Years wishes from Neil’s penis..I feel so special 🙂
I can imagine if I went through my posts of the year, they would be very boring too. Maybe I’ll just post pics.
Funny, I just sifted through all of my 2005 posts to pull some together for a potential Edgy Mama column in the Parenting Section of the local newspaper (we’ll see if it happens or not). I thought I’d written a lot about parenting, but I wrote a lot about writing, books, my cats, and the environment. Guess I’m just more cultured than you, Neilochka.
Happy New Year!
Your penis is one of the blogosphere’s most beloved characters. My Uncle Marvin, an infamous pornographer, published a series of comic books in the 1970s called “The Adventures of Super Dick” about a happy-go-lucky talking penis. He died several years ago and I think you should take up the mantle and give your penis its own blog. Of course I do prefer Sophia to your penis (thank God) and I guess if they both had their own sites you’d have a serious dearth of material.
Anyway, love the post but the one line I found completely insincere was “Maybe Iâ€™ll start dating someone new and write about ‘my dating life.'” I don’t buy that for a secondâ€”not unless Sophia is exiled to Novosibirsk by her former government.
Neil, does your penis have a New York accent too?
You know, somehow I think a woman writing about a conversation with her vulva just wouldn’t be the same. There’s some sort of psychological line there, lol.
Good idea though, I have to sift through my old posts next time I’m seized by a fit of procrastination. Which, given how tedious revising a thesis is, should be pretting soon!
Wait, you call your penis “penis?” You don’t have a name for it? Considering how much air time it receives, it really should have a name.
I agree with Brooke…time to name your penis.
I feel a future blog entry coming on. Maybe even a voting system from your readers. *thinking* How about Ð ÑƒÑÑÐºÐ¸Ð¹ ? –it’s Russian for big :o)
Brooke stole the words from my typing fingers. Yes, I think you should pass around the suggestion box for an appropriate name for your friend, then take a vote.
Make it a blog resolution for 2006: Name that Penis! (Hey, wasn’t that a game show? “I can name that penis in two notes, um, I mean shakes.”)
Give us a list of names and let us vote.
Talking to your penis, Going through your old posts to find your favorites and finding what you really wrote about, is great therapy!
Gosh Neil, thanks for the advice, and thank your penis for the entertaining posts.
Happy New Year, Neil! (and Neil’s penis.)
I recently went through my posts for the year and found that I have written 70 pages about the inordinate number of ridiculous men I’ve dated this year. But I’ve never felt happier or more well-adjusted. I wonder if my mental health insurance would cover the maintenance and design of a .com blog for me? It’d be waaaaayy cheaper than therapy copays…
So will 2006 bring more conversations with Penis X? That’d be great.
hey, give up man, its like an automatic machine….. best go with the flow. Cheers!
Happy 2006 to you too!
I’m so glad I came here via Life is Hilarious – for a woman a conversation between a man and his penis is a wonderful revelation. I might have to give my clitoris a good talking to 🙂
Happy 2006, although not quite comfortable enough to wish your penis happy 2006!
I’m comfortable enough to wish your penis a very happy new year and a good yom tov, just for luck
Happy New Year, Penis…oh yeah, you too Neil
I think that your penis needs to hear the song “Christmas Time for My Penis,” by the Vandals (in which the “narrator” addresses his penis directly, promising him good stuff for Christmas, to “repay him for all the good times,” as well all the attention that he deserves.)
Have a great and very Happy New Year. Same to your nameless friend.
Ð ÑƒÑÑÐºÐ¸Ð¹ is Russian for big? I thought Ð ÑƒÑÑÐºÐ¸Ð¹ was Russian for Russian and bolshoi was Russian for big, unless big is Russian for Russian and Russian is big for Russian, and we all know that fuels Russianware los angeles fears two treads or else take mass transit now that the TWU is back to work. In any case, a very Happy New Year to yourself, your imaginary friend Sophia, and Mr. Willie Johnson, your best friend.
Happy New Year, Little Neil.
I agree about coming up with a nom d’ plume for the penis (don’t go with Liz’s label because I really don’t think “little Neil” is going to give the impression you’re hoping for). In the meantime, I went through my short list of blogs (just started late July this year) for Kris’ “I’m not a Girl” best of 2005 blog and found I had written way too much about writing and deadlines at USC. Since I’m finishing up this year I am looking forward to no longer being boring in 2006.
You really love that penis don’t you? Well, we all need someone to love.
You are always so candid and funny. Happy New Year
i am very disturbed that your penis just wished me a happy new year.
I’m totally about posting your “Greatest Hits”. Especially since your post popular posts may not be your personal favorites or the ones that say a lot about who you are.
Gawd, you are SUCH a tribesman 😉
Happy New Year to you and yours Neil… and I do NOT mean your penis.
lol @ amanda – if I could just get a penis to wish me a happy new year, 2006 might be looking a lot brighter
No offense, Neil, but I think it’s time your penis struck off on his own seeing as how he’s the more logical of you two. Happy New Year!
your penis is a tough debater!
I find that I talk about things on my blog that I never address in person. I feel the same way, I didn’t write about current events or books I have read. I just wrote crap about my life.
I have conversations with my penis on a regular basis, but usually it’s along the lines of “You’re killing me pal, now shape up and get the job done!”
You know, it’s been my personal experience that the largest men have no problem with “Little Rich” or “Little Neil,” etc. Only men with issues can’t handle that particular nome de plume. After all, compared to you yourself, he is the little you.
If you name your penis, I think it should be something…very Italian. I’m not sure why, but I read this whole post (the Penis bit, anyway) with a mobster voice.
Apparently you have one tough penis.
Happy New Year, Neil’s penis! (Hey, did I ever tell you that you kinda resemble a real dickhead I once knew?)
Happy New Year, Neil! Keep entertaining us with this stuff!
ps. note that I’m not mentioning your friend, p.
When is your penis going to guest blog? I think that would be a really wonderful feature to enact.
Neil, I vote for naming your little buddy “Pinocchio” — definitely a “timeless classic” that deals with many themes, including the struggle between good and evil. And Pinocchio is wooden throughout much of the story…
At least your penis talks to you. Mine just spits. The bastard!
Happy New Year!
You can’t mess with evolution. Your penis rules your life. Just accept it.
Happy New Year, Neil! As usual, you’ve managed to make me smile, and I just wanted to say, I like the idea of having your Penis guest-blog.
happy new year to you too Penis !
And say hi to neil as well.
Maybe it’s because you feel comfortable about the “cultured” stuff so you don’t have to discuss it?
I don’t know. Good luck! Here’s to no more penis talk.
Excellent blogging tips. Only you could come up with such a creative dialogue with your “best friend.” 🙂
Oh, I forgot. Happy New Year!
I’m not sure about the whole year, but, i’ve been thinking about the SLA and BLO non-stop for the past few months. Identity swapping and other ideas of loss and entanglement.
yikes my bikes.
just what is the SLA? Think Patty Hearst.
just what is the BLO? Think Barbie Liberation Organization.
link below for BLO:
I like your blog therapy approach, Neil. I’ll have to give that a shot. And happy new year to you (you plural, or would that be yous in Brooklynese?)
my favorite posts would have to be links to others, cuz i hate writing. happy new years to you and your penis!