“Be careful what you put online,” my mother told me a few days ago, after “Weinergate” hit the newspapers. “Those things can come back to haunt you if you ever run for office!”
She’s probably right. Because of the large amount of salacious material on this blog, I’m now doomed to a life as an artist, where it is actually expected that I throw couches out of the windows in Hollywood hotels.
In reality, I’m pretty tame, more of a boy scout than any Mormon in Utah. Â I’m not much of a drug or alcohol user, with this codeine cough medicine I took last week being one of the harder substances I’ve ever put into my body. Â But considering all the hand-wringing I am seeing on Twitter about Representative Anthony Weiner’s activities online (some from individuals having real-life affairs, not virtual ones), and the fact that the only blogging lists I ever seem to get on are “Those Male Bloggers Most Likely to Email a Photo of His Penis to a Female Blogger,” I figured I might as well come clean about my past transgressions, so you can decide for yourself if you want to continue reading this blog in the future.
I have smoked pot (mostly when I was 14 years old, although rarely inhaled (honestly… I was afraid of lung cancer!)), got drunk on sake a few times (including this Thursday, after the rained-out Black Eyed Peas concert in Centeral park, after which I fell asleep on the subway coming home and almost missed my stop), made fun of an effeminate boy in junior high with my friends, calling him gay (and now I see on Facebook that he is an interior designer in Miami, so we were right!), was even meaner to a girl in high school who I liked more than she liked me (and blogged about it), sexted with a woman online while still officially legally married, but separated (and blogged about it!), got mad at a family member and spewed “F*ck You! (but used an asterick instead of the “u” even when saying it verbally), threw a container of Brewer’s Rocky Road ice cream at Sophia and missed, but stained the couch, and the most embarrassing topper — I once masturbated while watching Nigela Lawson make a veal dish on the Food Network.
Man, she was so hot on that show!
Clearly, my chances for ever running for public office get dimmer by the day.
The Weiner story is getting boring to me, especially now that he is going for “professional help,” whatever the hell that means.   It was fun while it lasted, even if his sins pale compare to those of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I don’t mind jokes at the foibles of public figures. Â I made a number of jokes on Twitter about the scandal. Â But I do mind when imperfect people seriously pontificate as if they ARE perfect. Â And I saw plenty of that this week.
>> but used an asterick instead of the “u†even when saying it verbally
Who are you, Q*bert? LOL
I never knew you were turned on by veal. Remind to just serve an unsexy food like baked beans next time you visit.
I liked your confessions, but I’m confessing nothing. Once WeinerGate is over, the journalists can start digging into my sordid past. It will give them something to do when Congress is in recess and John Edwards is in jail.
this made me laugh.
i think it is wise to stake out nice low ground. those that like to perch higher will eventually topple themselves.
You and I have that in common about Nigella…..we both love veal.
Exposing yourself can be painful. Especially if you are rejected. But it won’t kill you.
You could be my friend. Which means you are never going to be a couch throwing artist or shamed politician. But I would wake you up on the tube. Cause that is what friends do.
I hope the professional help involves learning how to DM on Twitter.
What if you posted a photo of your “Mr. Happy” and no one tweeted about it? Does it still exist?
oh neil oh neil oh neil… what was the character in Portnoy’s Complaint named?????
Certainly hope I wasn’t one of those. Although I usually keep my commentary to myself, I did put up one Tweet saying that he should resign just for being stupid enough to Tweet that photo rather than send it another way. Because I do happen to know better than that. Usually. 😉
You’re the best.
Really.
Man! You can barely rig together an entire skeleton for your closet. I have a few you can borrow.
I, not only will decide to continue reading, this little list will probably make me want to read even more. Heh.
Hey, V. Clearly, you’ve never seen this scene from the movie “Tommy.” Baked beans are OUT.
I’ll never come clean online, I’ve done it way too often in person. I’m a compulsive confessor. And from what you described, you do sound more tame than many Utah Mormon boy scouts. We’re all imperfect.
“…made fun of an effeminate boy in junior high with my friends, calling him gay (and now I see on Facebook that he is an interior designer in Miami, so we were right!)”
I think you’ve just made fun of the effeminate boy again, assuming that because he is in a stereotyped occupation in a major urban area, he must be gay. Not that you’re necessarily wrong…but y’know, just sayin’.
And as for Nigella…a real man can masturbate to anything, anywhere at any time. I certainly have.
I’ve also seen photos of his partner on Facebook. It did make me laugh that he became such a stereotype! But he makes a whole lot more money than I do, and has a beautiful apartment, so who’s laughing now?
I think Nigella purposely sexes it up on her show. I saw one that was so over the top, it was like a parody. It’s not your fault she led you down the path to sin.
I don’t know, Neil. All the transgressions you describe kinda sounds like an average Thursday night at my house.
Minus the pot smoking and sexting. The first makes me paranoid and as for the second, , I have a pay-as-you-go phone so those sexting sessions would be even briefing then the actual real thing for me.
I’m going to try and do all these things in one hour. For charity.