Hi, this is Neil’s Talking Penis.Â Remember when I used to post ALL the time on “Citizen of the Month?”Â You haven’t heard from me in quite a while.Â Â Why? Â Well, frankly, there has been nothing to report. Â Unlike Neilochka, who likes to hear himself talk, I only speak when I have something to say.
Another reason is that Neilochka has been infringing on my free speech.Â He hated all the attention I got back in the good ol’ blogging days, when he was mostly known as “the guy who wrote the Talking Penis blog.” Â Now he wants to be more “sophisticated,” like the classy bloggers who get book deals.Â He doesn’t realize that the only freakin’ book deal that he’s ever gonna get is a book about ME!
Neurotic Jewish guy from New York — BORING! Seen it, done it, read it — snore!Â Â But — Opinionated hard-on with a knowledge of the Kama Sutra, fine wines, and 80’s music? Now that is a best-seller!
Today, I have returned to the Blogosphere to complain about Neilochka.Â He does not deserve to have me.Â It is like serving the finest steak to an anorexic vegetarian. Â It is like buying shoes for someone with no legs.Â It is like writing a comment on Dooce’s blog, expecting one in return.
So, sit back, grab a Diet Coke, and let me tell my tale of how pathetic Neilochka can be:
Last week, Neilochka received an email from a nice, very attractive, intelligent, singleÂ girl in her thirtiesÂ who lived in another part of the country.Â She was a blogger who he had only read infrequently.Â She knew about his frustrations living away from Sophia.Â She also had her own frustrations.Â She had recently broken up with her boyfriend.Â In a polite manner, she suggested a remedy —
“…how would you like to send “sexy” emails to each other? Believe me, I have never done this before. I hope you are not offended. It would be fine if you said no. I just thought it would both do us some good… and it might be fun.”
Neilochka stared at the monitor for a long, long time.Â He had never received an email like this, other than spam trying to sell him Viagra. Â Neilochka has emailed and IM-ed with many female bloggers, but usually it about them complaining about their boyfriends and husbands, not wanting virtual sex talk.
Neilochka went to this girl’s blog and read a few posts. She seemed totally normal.
I screamed to Neilochka from inside his pants.
“Do it! Do it! For god’s sake, do it! Â It is better than me sitting around her doing nothing but playing Sudoko with myself!”
Neilochka, as expected from a man who never takes action without mulling over it for ever, took forever to take a baby step.Â He emailed the girl back.
“Hi, there!Â Thanks for the email.Â I am very flattered.Â And it is very brave of you to be so assertive, especially for a woman.Â I think it is really cool…”
And then he blabbed on some more, ass-kissing her and comparing her to what he loved so much about Sophia, exactly the wrong thing to be saying to a horny babe who obviously wants some sex talk.
She emailed back, saying that she loved his blog.Â That was very clever on her part, as every guy loves to have his ego stroked.
But Neilochka, still with his head in his ass, emailed back, saying that he’s not sure he is the “right person to be doing this with.”
“I mean even though I’m separated, I’m still technically married, even though I am living apart, but I still…oh, I don’t know…”
After I bit Neilochka on the leg, he quickly changed his mind —
“Why not — let’s give it a shot!”
I did a little happy dance in his pants.
Now from my experience, women like a confident man in the bedroom. Â It is like ballroom dancing — there are times where the man should lead.Â Every romance novel has a man carrying his woman into the bedroom, sometimes even against her will.
But then he kisses her, and she changes her mind, as quickly as Joe Lieberman changes political parties.
“Take me now, you hunk of manhood!”
Sadly, Neilochka is not that kind of man.Â Ask Sophia. Â Wait, forget that. Do NOT ask her.
Neilochka worries too much.Â About making everyone happy. Â If he was smart he would just worry about satisfying one person — me!
So, instead of Neilochka writing back —
“I am so hot thinking about you, I can’t wait any longer.Â I want you. Â I am ripping open your blouse – I don’t care how much it cost at Nordstrom — my hands NEED to explore your every curve…”
He wrote back a lame, flaccid message —
“So, what do we do now? Are there some… like… rules?”
You ever hear a Penis sigh like Charlie Brown. Â Good Grief.
Neilochka waited for the return email.Â She finally wrote back:
“Rules? Well, I am reading over the rulebook now, peering over the top of the book with my librarian glasses.”
Neilochka was impressed. Â She used the word “peering” which is a cool word.Â And he always had a thing for those sexy librarian types, who pull down their hair.Â Neilochka decided he should show the girl that they were relating well —
“We have a lot in common! I wear glasses too!”
WTF?! A minute later, there was an email response.Â The mood had changed.
“I just wanted to tell you, so you’re not disappointed later, but I really don’t wear glasses.”
Neilochka appreciated her honesty.
“That’s OK.Â You have virtual glasses!Â Cheaper that way.Â Glasses are so expensive nowadays. Guess how much my glasses cost?”
Her response —
Neilochka’s response — (It was turning into a game show)
“No, almost $600. I have astigmatism so I had to get these superlight lenses from Germany.”
Neilochka and the girl exchanged a few more emails about the eyeglasses.
I was going crazy.
“Forget the optometry talk!Â Talk about her tits.Â Say you want to stick your face in her p***y!Â She wants to get virtually f**ked, not talk about Lenscrafters!”
I tried to remind Neilochka to keep his eye on the prize, and not to let this unique opportunity fall off a loser’s cliff.
And then, IT HAPPENED.
It was 6PM. Neilochka’s mother called from the kitchen.
“Neil? You want dinner?”
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, at this point Neilochka sent this hot and horny girl the ultimate sex-killing email — a statement that should be written on his tombstone as a warning to future generations of men —
“My mother is calling me for dinner. Gotta go!”
Three days passed until Neilochka remembered about the emails.Â Three days!Â Let me just repeat it to you to show you how pathetic this is — Some intelligent, hot babe WANTS to send horny emails back and forth with a man — even initiates it — and praises his lame-ass blog — and she tells him that HE TURNS HER ON — and he actually FORGETS about it for three days?!
You would think after this utter disaster that Neilochka would say “I’m sorry” TO ME?!Â But no!
He thinks about the girl.
“Should I apologize to her?” he asks himself.Â “It wasn’t that I wasn’t attracted to her.Â Well, actually that WAS the problem. Â I wasn’t really attracted to some person I hardly know. Maybe if we IM-ed for a couple of months –”
Oh yeah.Â Cool Hand Neilochka.Â Maybe if they IM-ed for a couple of months, and then exchanged photos, and then spoke on the phone, and then sent Christmas-Hanukkah cards, and then went to the movies a couple of times, and then watched “Dancing with the Stars” at night, laughing at Susan Lucci, and then kissed under the stars during a fireworks display–
Yesterday, Neilochka emailed the girl. Â They both laughed about the sexy email exchange.Â They both thought it was their fault that it was so short-lived. Â He did ask if she was wearing a bra, but that was as far as the sex-talk went.Â She wasn’t.
And then, of course, Neil asked the most important question of all:
“If I don’t use your name, can I, uh… blog about this?”
because at the end of the day, if you can’t blog it, it didn’t really happen.
Ah, I do love me a post by a penis.
I will admit, I solicit bloggers for sexy emails on a regular basis, but they never turn out this way.
And girlie – it’s pretend! Keep some glasses, even if it’s just to pull off the naughty librarian look. That’s why I have mine.
“Opinionated hard-on” ha!
I’d buy that book. Hell, I’d buy that t-shirt!
i’m not saying what, just… best.
this made me smile more than you could know. you are fabulous. did I mention I wear glasses too? 😉 cutie.
Hilarious. I hate it when someone writes me a flaccid message.
Yes. I have heard a Penis sigh – like Charlie Brown. So sad.
Perk up Mr. Penis! These situations build character, depth and strength. Neilochka, and you, will be better prepared for like opportunities in the future. Hang in there. And be nice.
Oh Neil. Three days?
I want to hear more about this book with a chubby that has a special place in its heart for Joan Jett!
“Laughing at Susan Lucci…..”
LOL I will be too, I think!
I just noticed the little smiley face at the bottom of the page. What’s he for?
This story sounds mighty familiar. Ahem.
Very funny post….
Neil, Neil, Neil …
I am woefully sad to acknowledge the possibility that although Hope Springs Eternal … apparently Mr. Penis never will.
I think it takes a special talent to fail that miserably at “sexy emails”. Maybe some women are turned on by talk of “super light lenses” and moms calling you for dinner, but probably not many.
Thanks for the laugh.
Neil’s Talking Penis is so hawt!!
Dude. I’m not wearing any panties as I read this.
Just so you know.
Hell hath no fury like a penis scorned. Or unused. Or–whatever. Yes, commenting (or even sending a nice email) to Dooce and expecting one back. I know all about it.
A talking vagina would never work, would it? You wouldn’t hear what she was saying, you’d only see flapping vulva and Mexican donkey shows.
Oh, come on Neil. You must get tons of solicitations from desperate mommy bloggers in sexless marriages looking for spicy email affairs! You expect us to believe this?! Admit it- you’re an accomplished email lover. 🙂
Didn’t we just have email sex talk last week? I thought we were even going to have real virtual sex. I’m so crushed to hear you do this with all the chicks. Sigh ….! By the way, today’s post is on foreplay … maybe you should read it? 🙂
OMG! This is hysterical. LOL all over the freakin’ place! I feel so close to you now, almost like we had (bad) sex together. Thanks for the laugh.
OMG mr. penis. I have to agree with you.
This is simply pathetic… Neilochka. All the pandering and pretty talk in the world to women that obviously already want you?
my prescription? One valium, one bottle of red wine and a blanket under the stars with a gorgeous set of tits… preferably ones that make you forget about TALKING SO DAMN MUCH!
“You ever hear a Penis sigh like Charlie Brown” should be the title of your penis’s book.
I can’t remember the last time I laughed this much and this loud at a blog post. This was hilarious!
Dude, dirty talk isn’t that difficult.
And glasses? Seriously?
I can not say or write the “p” word. Is it ok if I call you mr. talking whoozut?
this is really cute and i really admire your principles (whether your penis likes it or not, you are the boss of your penis.)
i’ve not done the sex email/im thing and i’m not sure i could b/c i’m too big of a nerd.
I laughed until I had tears running down my face :-). You are a funny man Neil and yes, I am sorry to say, but I agree with your penis, you are a bit pathetic, but in a sweet way :-).
I am peering over my glasses as I read your post, wiping away from the screen the mist from my heavy breathing, anticipating…very funny, Neil. The best thing I have read today. Your poor Talking Penis. Maybe he whispers too much?
Your penis is one smart cookie. And so are you.
I am happy to see the return of NP but I am also missing the Sophia influence on this post. What I really mean is I want to know the truth quotient. I suspect that you did indeed receive an email but the rest?
The Gentleman Savant slowly removes his glasses and chews sexily on the earpiece (which doesn’t taste good) and says to Neil in his sexiest voice…
“You know… like Redneck Mommy above, I’m also not wearing any panties.”
I’m joking of course.
That is, in fact, all that I’m wearing.
NP should write for you more often, Neil. I bet if he thought it would get him laid (and it would) he’d actually finish a whole screenplay, and maybe even try his balls at a book.
Dagny – I’m sad to sad that other than some of the more elaborate dialogue of the Penis, the rest has a 98% truth quotient.
Neil, Neil, Neil… what are we going to do with you? Nothing sexual apparently.
You’re funny, and your sexy emails partner is a very patient woman.
LOVE the talking penis. Reminds me of Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog. Without the whole “for me to poop on” thing.
Ok…still trying to figure out what a Mexican Donkey Show is??????
I can talk dirty..but not on cue.Has to be real..I agree it’s hard to really attracted to someone you don’t even know….
i thought we hadn’t heard from your penis cuz you were staying with your mom, and being such a prude, well, you know.
Neil is even smoother than I thought.
Oh, Neil’s Penis, you poor thing. Do I need to send another picture of my bra to you?
i didn’t know cocks could be such sophisticated writers. i have to say i’m impressed. i love your dick’s sense of humor.
great story. 🙂
I am not at all surprised your penis does Sudoku. Not at all.
I think you will go far in your search for sexual utopia if you don’t mention your mother to another woman, EVER AGAIN!
your mother was calling you to dinner. that my friend is priceless. love that you had no shame in telling your email lover that!
Gee, Neil, thanks for the crush status. I guess writing posts isn’t a necessary requirement for consideration. 🙂
Dear Neil’s Penis,
It may be frustrating for you that Neil requires antiquated things like photos, and hand holding, and shared consumption of Dancing with the Stars but he’s concerned with your long-term happiness too.
Right now he probably needs to let the dust settle and figure out what happens next. I’m sure somewhere in the not too distant future, he will meet someone, and after sometime, (he will probably not be living with his mother)when they’ve talked over Chinese, lent each other books and shared a few neurosis, he will tenetively let you come out and play.
Until then, you will have to be satisfied with the amusing yourself with things like Tina Fey’s upcoming guest appearance on SNL. I’m guessing she’ll have the glasses on.
Say you want to stick your face in her party?
Her poultry? (Eeeeeeew.)
What, Neil. What?
Oh sexy emails. I remember those…then phone sex..mmmmm…then, and then….I married him!!! Can you believe that? And it’s more perfect than anything ever! And yes, we still have sex. Isn’t life wonderful? Don’t worry, Neil’s penis. There is still hope. It took us 11 years.
your penis makes me laugh hysterically.
generally that’s not a good thing, but i think this is an exception.
I have dated (or attempted to date) other penis owners who are just like that! Evidently, this is a character trait that is more common than I realized.
Thank you, Neil’s Penis, for helping me to realize that sometimes men are just dense, slow, and even sometimes more airheaded than Jessica Simpson. This may have just revolutionized my entire dating life!
Neil’s Penis should consider his own talk show…something along the, ahem, vein of Dr. Phil. 😉
Hahahahaha! I love this post.
Did you mom at least cook a good dinner?
This is a serious matter.
Get this man committed to the nearest mental institution immediately.
He is cramping your style.
Oh so funny! I don’t want to say ‘cute’ because that would be so wrong… but… OMG… your mother calling you for dinner is just so funny! Because this sort of email exchange can be really fun, you know!