I don’t consider myself an atheist, but politicians talk too much about God.Â My main reason for voting Democratic is that there is so much religiosity to the Republicans.Â At least the DemocratsÂ like sex, even if it is with women other than their wives.Â Â And why is the President sworn in on a Bible?Â Â What do we do when we have a non-believing President?Â Â Will he be sworn in on a copy of “The Lord of the Rings:Â The Return of the King?”
If we are going to talk about God, we should talk about God and his relationship with this blog.
God loves “Citizen of the Month.”Â How do I know this?Â Â I have concrete evidence.
A month ago, I wasn’t in the mood to blog, so I asked a bunch of bloggers to guest post.Â On the first day of my freedom, I stepped out of my apartment building, whistling, relieved of the pressure of having to write something witty or interesting for my non-paying readers.
And then — SMASH!Â Â A car went through the window of the supermarket downstairs.
I immediately took photos and ran upstairs to publish it on the blog.Â The photos were too dramatic to not share with the world!Â It was as if God needed to do something dramatic to force me to post.
Remember, my God is the God of the Old Testament.Â He is wise and caring, but not above causing a bit of mayhem to make “a statement.”
He is the God who said, “Hey, Abraham, why don’t you sacrifice your favorite son just because I say so.”
This is a passive-aggressive God.
Two weeks have passed since the guest-posting.Â I never hit my stride again.Â I only posted once this week, a sad tale of email sex gone bad.
This morning, I opened up WordPress.Â As I began to type, I lost all mojo.
“Screw them,” I said to myself.Â “These bunch of whiny losers don’t deserve more than one post a week from me.”
I shut off my computer and decided to take a walk, to get a bagel and coffee.Â But as I approached the supermarket downstairs —
God commanded that I post.
oh my word. that isn’t *your* vehicle right?
oh, and totally with you. When I watched the speech where Sarah Palin said god sent her, and for all them to pray for a pipeline, etc… I really thought my head was going to explode.
Okay, the roadusers of the world would like to remind you that it is obviously too dangerous for you to be away from your blog!
I will not rest until the President is sworn in on a copy of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
Non-believing presidents get sworn in on a blank journal and told to write history. At least that’s what I’d do if I were president!
You might want to think about moving. Just a thought …!
This is one of the most believable modern instances of God speaking to a mortal I’ve ever heard of. You’ve somehow managed to get His attention. I can hardly wait to see what happens to you this weekend!!
Fool. I was simply reprimanding you for never sending Jane those bagels. Thou should not promise one of my chosen ones NYC bagels and then just walk down the street whistling, having totally forgotten.
blogging could be a very dangerous activity sometimes. This is the first i heard that it’s dangerous NOT to.
Either that, or there are some really bad drivers in your neighborhood. Look both ways!
Well, who are you to argue with God?
Oh man, see if it had occurred to me that god was talking to me through a vehicular accident, my second thought would have been, “Ok, let’s dial down the narcissism a couple notches, shall we?”
But the fact that you had the same thought – well, it just proves I’m not completely insane (not even considering the possibility that you are just as insane as I am LALALALALA I can’t hear you!!) 😉
Oh, Neil. That is just too totally classic! You rule, mister!
Let me know next time you don’t feel like blogging. I want to stay faaaaar away.
Mishap, mayhem, AND a talking penis. I would certainly say that God truly loves you.
Good… God… I thought the drivers in AZ were bad…
It’s okay to lose the blogging mojo. My blog is on a break. Or, am I’m on a break. Or, whatever! We all needs brakes, er, breaks.
Crap Neil, it’s dangerous when you get writer’s block. You need to write for the safety of people in Flushing.
And God saw that his work was good. Er messy. You need to post regularly for the safety of others.
Good heavens, oy vey, and bless him Father for he has sinned…
Mojo, please come back. And rub yourself on the rest of us.
Laughing out loud again. My God, Neil you better post everyday or the world will fall apart :-).
This whiney loser loves your blog too.
it’s a sign all right, maybe god wants you to do local news?
I think God might be telling you don’t go in to that supermarket. My spiritual director says that God usually speaks to her three times. If it happens again, it’s a sure sign. 😉
I’m going to go with “Concrete Blonde” on this one:
“Shoot straight from the hip
Gone forever in a trigger slip
You know, it could have been
It could have been your brother.
Shoot straight shoot to kill
Blame each other, blame yourselves
God is a bullet have mercy on us everyone.”
This clearly states that Palin is a trigger happy nutter and Neil is supposed to blog about it and everything else too. Also: The war is God’s work – or some shit like that.
SO KEEP BLOGGING!!!
Or maybe you’re just, you know, a jinx.
I’m just sayin’.
that damn God always has to shake things up.
i wrote about a car accident today, but didn’t post a pic. where were you and your camera when i needed you? i think God has other plans for you that include you writing. it’s that whole “He’s given you a gift, so use it” lecture.
what can you do but obey?
When I am sworn in to office (any office, really) I’d like it to be on a copy of Miss Manners. Or, maybe Goodnight Moon. Either one is fine, really.
this is … badass???
ooh ooh i love miss manners! what a great idea to be sworn in on!
God must have an auto body shop in Queens.
There is no Old Testament. Someone has got to review the playbook again with you.
“My main reason for voting Democratic is that there is so much religiosity to the Republicans.”
Seriously? Democrats tall about God all the time. Half their spokes persons are religious leaders (Jackson, Sharpton, etc.)
What I want to know is why Democrats can talk about God and it is okay but when Republicans do it, it is not.
Could it be because people believe Republicans mean what they say and aren’t just using God as a prop like Dems do?
Take the abortion issue for example. Pro-life is the offical Catholic stance, yet when Republican Catholics talk about it they are criticized. But let someone like Biden or Pelosi – both Catholics – talk about their faith and it’s okay because they are pro-abortion.
Sigh . . . sorry to get all serious on you, but I guess I am just tired of the double-standard the Democrats have on religion.
And all other things for that matter.
Be sure to call the supermarket next time you don’t feel like blogging.
OMG!! You are God’s Chosen One!
Neil, God is politicing. Every right-thinking person knows that God is American, and Republican. He NEEDS your VOTE on November 4th!
â€¦And we pray to our Lord
Who we know is American
He reigns from on high
He speaks to us through middlemen
And he shepherds his flock
We sing out and we praise His name
He supports us in war
He presides over football games
And the right will prevail
All our troubles shall be resolved
We have faith in the Lord
Unless there’s money or sex involved
Frail Grasp on the Big Picture
I never get good fodder happening around me, and if I do? I forget about it before I have the chance to write about it.
Wow! My first visit to this blog, and I find out that God speaks to Neil through car crashes just like He spoke to Moses through burning bushes!
Your writing must be divine inspiration, indeed! Adding you to my feed immediately! 🙂
My OT may be a little rusty, but don’t the signs escalate the more you ignore them?
Don’t post for the next month… then you’ll get to post pictures of a Hummer filled with live chickens busting through the window of a JC Penney.
I don’t think that Democrats have a problem with Republicans and their religion. At least…I don’t. It’s when they use their politics to spread their version of religion that it becomes a problem. Or when they combine the two. We’re always talking about Islamic fundamentlists and the dangers thereof (and you won’t get an argument from me about that), but Christian fundamentalism condones some pretty frightening ideas about how the world should be run. Their confidence in their RIGHTNESS is absolute and non-negotiable. They have a revisionist view of history and a hostile attitude about science. And they want our laws and schools to reflect that very narrow view. So yeah…someone like Sarah Palin scares the crap out of most thinking Democrats…and Republicans. Of course, I’m going to defer to God–er–Neil on this one and he, with the wisdom of Abraham–will decide if I’ve adequately described his opinions…or not. Take it away, Abe–er–Neil.
Neil, sorry to keep bustin’ your ass. But those car wrecks have nothing to do with your blog. They have to do with the fact that you are still living with your mother.
Move out and there will be no more kamikaze minivans making Queens unsafe.
It’s the righteous anger of G-d! He’s telling you “Yea verily Neil. Be thou not such a schmuck!” Except because G-d doesn’t like bad language, He’d probably use the word schmoe. Hell, He doesn’t even G-d doesn’t even like people to use the word G-d, fer Chrissakes.
Sorry for the cut-n-paste error in the last comment. It’s another one of those damn signs from G-d.
I never thought I had anything in common with God, but now I know I do because I love your blog, too.
That’s just crazy sh@T! Wow God was in Queens???!
And thus He has driven.
wow. religion, divine intervention, and politics in one whole blog entry. and we got to see car crashes. this is my type of entry.
but that’s “g-d” to you, neil.
God pulls that shit on me all the time. No sooner do I hit publish on a crappy post cause of the whining of the peeps and BAM! He pulls something out of his butt to annoy me even more than what was in the post.
And by the time I get to post about it I have forgotten all the funny bits.
Curse of a high libido and short attention span.
Now what was I saying????
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