the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Beyonce in The Coffee Bean

Beyonce Says: Call me, Neilochka!

You’re not going to believe this. Remember a few days ago, I wrote a post saying how insecure women were, and I said that since I am a male, I’m more confident than you. I gave you the example of how I was watching Beyonce on the Grammy Awards, and saying to myself that if the circumstances were right, I could totally woo her.

You’re not going to believe this, but RIGHT NOW I’m sitting in a Coffee Bean on Sunset Boulevard, and Beyonce (note: accept this as a fact at your own risk) just walked in!

She is more beautiful in person than on TV or the movies.

She is by herself, dressed in lavender velvety pants and a light leather jacket. She is sitting at the table next to me. She is carry a paperback copy of “Eat, Pray, Love.”

She just looked at me! She smiled at me. This is my chance. How many more opportunities am I going to get to woo Beyonce?

I’m playing solitare now, trying to come up with perfect opening line.

There are some completed interviews that I haven’t added to the list yet. Let me do that first, then say hello to Beyonce. I don’t want to seem rude to people online.

As you probably have figured out by now, I’m probably going to be moving out of Redondo Beach soon. Sophia and I have both been under too much stress. I think it is the best thing for both of us. If anyone has any leads on rentals here in LA, send me an email.

I probably should be looking for a place rather than sitting here at the Coffee Bean, even if I have lucked out by sitting next to Beyonce.

I wonder if I could live with Beyonce? I bet she has a nice place. I could be her friend/roommate/lover/personal blogger.

I’m on Wikipedia, looking up Beyonce. It says she is from Houston. I bet you she’s been to the Nasa Space Center in Houston on a school trip.

What if I accidentally drop my coffee on the floor and then say laughing, “Houston, we have a problem.” She’ll laugh, too, thinking me very witty and a “soul mate.” And then we’ll start talking about the Johnson Space Center, and I then I can tell her about this science report I once did about Skylab. She’ll find that interesting… coming from Houston.

Doesn’t that big Chinese guy play for Houston?

Sophia’s calling. The toilet won’t flush. Damn, I gotta go fix it!

I could have totally wooed Beyonce.

Next time.

Truth Quotient for gullible Ms. Sizzle: 32% — actually in Coffee Bean, played solitaire, spilled coffee, looked up Beyonce in Wikipedia, did report on Skylab, moving out, toilet won’t flush (actual Beyonce not included)

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Live-Blogging the 1987 Academy Awards


  1. sizzle

    She didn’t really come into the coffee shop, did she? I’m so gullible I almost believe you!

  2. Catheroo

    Oh man, I am SO gullible. You had me going. *shakes head in shame*

  3. Julie

    I almost believed you too. And do I detect a fellow space program geek?

  4. ajooja

    A friend of mine took pictures of Beyonce while she was on stage once, from the press area in front of the fans, looking up at her, with her flowing skirt open.

    No panties. A little jewelry down there. Yowza!

    He thought he might be able to sell the photos for big money, put his kids through college or something, but he figured it would be pretty easy to track him down.

  5. sarah g

    i thought at first she did walk in too, until you were willing to write about something other than her walking in!
    sorry that you’ll be moving out.
    who else is going to come over and ‘fix’ the toilet by yelling at it? (which is how I assume most non-plumbing guys ‘fix’ it).

  6. Tuck

    Too bad…that Houston line always works…hook, line, and sinker.

    Neil, is her Beautiful Liar song all about you?

  7. turnbaby

    Is it my fervid imagination or can you totally see her nipple through that top?

  8. Not Fainthearted

    I knew it wasn’t true.

    If it had been true, we wouldn’t have heard from you for several days.

    The reason? Well, there are a number of scenarios that leap to mind:

    1. it took a while for Sophia to come down and bail you out of jail,
    2. it took a while for the swelling in your broken hands to go down after her body guard “convinced” you to MYOB or
    3. you were busy being her sex slave.

    I leave you to pick the reason.

    Also, tell me again why you have to go and fix the toilet? Haven’t you moved out?

  9. Artful Kisser

    “Lavender velvety pants”? Funny. Would she wear lavender velvety pants? And the only bloke I’ve ever heard refer to something I was wearing as “lavender” liked to be called Davina.

  10. catnapping

    don’t waste that coffee! you’re gonna need it to put out your pants!

    they’re on FIRE!

  11. Annie

    I did not believe you, though I wanted to for your sake :-). Sorry about you having to move, but it will help give you both some perspective. Big hugs.

  12. natalie

    ok…thankfully sizzle was first to be gullible on this post. i was believing you too…until well…the whole houston we have a problem line. i was thinking you would have actually been on your cell phone trying to tell one of your buddies that you were in the coffee bean with beyonce. it would have sounded muffled so she couldn’t hear you…more like “ih’n seattting nest to beeahnsay een dee kahve been” sounding similar to chandler on season one of friends when he called joey while trapped in the atm vestibule with jill goodaker. was beyonce chewing gum? because you know in situations like that gum would be perfection!

  13. Miss Britt

    Neil, I am concerned.

    If Beyonce didn’t exist, that means you made up that whole “velvety lavender pant” thing on your own.

    10 points off the man card for that.

  14. Rattling The Kettle

  15. fringes

    Please stop ruining perfectly good posts with this truth quotient thing.

  16. Sophia

    True truth quotient: Toilet won’t flush – 0%, moving out – so far – 0%. …and the check is in the mail. 🙂

  17. better safe than sorry

    if you decide to move in with her, remember to stay away from the left.

  18. nancypearlwannabe

    I couldn’t help but notice that your tags made this post seem like it was about something decidedly different than the actual topic.

    Just sayin’.

  19. Bec

    You could totally rent a room from Beyonce. The early morning vocal exercises might be a bit much though.

  20. bookfraud

    this didn’t fool me in the least. everybody knows beyonce goes to starbucks. at least that’s where i picked her up. by saying, “houston, we have lift off.”

    yeah, it looks like she’s nipping out there. not that i really looked hard.

  21. Stacey

    What’s with the truth quotient thing? Don’t you like to leave them guessing?

  22. Erin Cooper

    Neilochka, maybe you could just move out to the back patio. You could get one of those pop-up tents, or a yurt. Living amongst all your dead plants…wouldn’t that be lovely? 😉

  23. tabernacle108

    I love your story at the coffee bean. BTW, is it Beyonce who plays in that flick with Will Farrell and Emma Thompson?

  24. Armine Abrahamyan

    I love Beyonce so much. I think she is pretty and very talanted.


  25. mrsmogul

    What about buying a home? Or is the market bad out there. BEYONCE??? Are you kidding?? reallyy??? I actually don’t like her. I think she has a lisp. If she really did walk in then that was a cool coincidence!!

  26. kanani

    I think you could woo her. I think you could be her man. You could be her man, walk the dog, be known as her Prince consort at the Grammys, even hand her the phone when it rings. And yes, you could listen to her at night talk about … “Houston, we have a problem.” But that’s because I’m a believer in the higher power of Neilochka.

  27. churlita

    That was cute. Although,I didn’t believe for a minute that Beyonce was sitting next to you at a coffee house.

  28. Neil

    Mrs Mogul — Buying a house? Ha Ha. With what? My lavender velvety pants?

  29. ali

    but you just KNOW she would have been wearing lavender velvet pants…:)

  30. melanie

    whose going to fix the toilet after you are gone?

    who cares what she was wearing, you were undressing her the whole time, talking penis man! 😉

  31. piglet

    that was damn funny. and i have no complaints about your post whatsoever.

  32. Karl

    You totally should have said hi. I think a Neil-Beyonce romance is well overdue.

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