Therapy was very emotional this week. I didn’t cry, but I almost did. We weren’t even talking about anything significant. I was explaining to her about some writing project. I was having some trouble with the plot. It was difficult to concentrate in the therapist’s office. She was wearing a pretty dress, and she had sexy legs, and I felt almost too comfortable sitting calmly with a centered human being who was listening to me and was saying that it was OK for me to feel anxious about certain things. It all felt very intimate and spiritual, and I had quick glimpses in my mind of taking the therapist on the couch, but in a nice, loving way, to thank her for being so kind. I know I write these sex thoughts too much on this blog, but I’m only trying to be honest here. These were not sordid thoughts. These were nice and innocent thoughts.
I took a breath and almost cried.
“What are you thinking?”
“I just feel emotional.”
“Emotional, in what way?”
“I can’t explain it. I feel something overwhelming, but I don’t know what it is. But it also makes me laugh, because I’m sitting in a therapist’s office, and I’ve seen this movie so many times, and I’m stepping away from myself and watching this scene, knowing that if this was a bad movie, I would break down now and remember how my mother used to hit me with metal hangers.”
“Did something ever happen with your mother?”
“Nah. Those metal hangers were precious in our house for hanging up clothes. But I had my mother on the phone before as I was driving to the supermarket, and I said I would call her back in two minutes, and that was four hours ago. I need to remember to call her back.”
(sorry, Mom. I’ll call you tomorrow)
QUICK CUT to new topic:
I had no intention to write about therapy. I wanted to discuss my last post. I read it over and it seemed too jokey. There was a reason for posting it, which has nothing to do with Blog Awards, even though I titled it Blog Awards. It has to do with insecurity, something we all have in differing degrees.
The seeds to the post grew from an email I received a month ago. I never responded to it, because I wasn’t sure how to answer, but I kept the message on a notepad on my desktop, waiting for a inspirational way to reply.
Here it is. I hope the author doesn’t mind.
Good morning! Neil!
How are you?
I’ve enjoyed reading your blog for the past year – and I was delighted that you had my link on your blogroll…. but suddenly it’s not there anymore? Is there some reason why?
I had your link a while ago… and then moved it to another category. After I realized I was replaced by other fancier blogs on your blogroll… I guess I was jealous and removed yours as well… I want to apologize for acting so juvenile. I would greatly appreciate a critique of how my blog had failed to engage you. Please be gentle.
It would be easy to chuckle at the silliness of this writer’s email, but, in all honesty, I find this person brave for sending it to me. At first I did laugh. A critique? Fancier blogs? Does this writer actually think that I have a game plan here on Citizen of the Month?
Surprisingly, the email moved me. It makes me feel emotional, much as I did in the therapist’s office — except for the sexy legs part, of course. We’re all so insecure about so many unimportant things. I know I can be. Maybe not so much about blogging, but certainly with other parts of my life.
I’ll try to be more thoughtful of the feelings of others.