the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

My Wife is a Midget


Today’s blog post was nixed by Sophia. She thought it was too personal. I’m respectful of that. She is absolutely amazing. She “allows” me to write pretty much anything I want. Of course, being a tinge passive-aggressive, I wanted to make sure that my artistic freedom was still intact.

Sophia: You need to check with me first before you write anything personal about ME.

Neil: Do you mean WRITE or PUBLISH?

Sophia: Write.

Neil: Well, I appreciate what you are saying, and I respect it, but you can’t tell me WHAT not to write. I can write anything I want about you.

Sophia: No, you can’t.

Neil: Yes, I can. I just can’t PUBLISH it. But I can write it.

Sophia: Well, I don’t want you to write it.

Neil: Sorry. I’m in therapy now. I know my rights. If I want to write that you are, say — a midget, I can write it. As long as I don’t show it to anyone.

Sophia: But I’m not a midget.  I’m not even short.  You can’t write it.

Neil: I can write it. Even if you aren’t.

Sophia: I’ll sue you.

Neil: You can’t sue me for writing it. You can sue me for publishing it. But I can write, “Sophia’s a midget” all day long if I want — a thousand times in my own Microsoft Word — and you can’t do anything about it.

Sophia: How about this?

Sophia hits me on the head with the newspaper. Conversation over.

P.S.. Just for the record, Sophia isn’t a midget, but I have no problem saying it in the privacy of my own home — when Sophia isn’t here.


  1. Dagny

    Or at least wait until she is out of earshot. Then again, Sophia probably has super-hearing. You might want to just whisper the words while she is in another area of the country. And be happy it was just a newspaper. It could have been a book.

  2. Donna

    Your wife reminds me of my husband (no, he’s not a midget, either, but he doesn’t always like it what I blog about him, and I sometimes have to vet my posts with him before they are published).

  3. Whit

    Is there plumbing in the doghouse?

  4. psychomom

    Last night……
    text from my son: that midget dad from tv got a dwi
    text from me: what
    text from my son: matt rolloff got a dwi
    text from me: that drunk midget
    text from my son: hey just like u
    text from me: ha ha ha jerk
    text from my son: night
    text from me: night

  5. LVGurl

    I adore the nuances of semantics. Being an English major, I drive friends and family mad when I correct them.

  6. Richard Heft

    Sophia is a full foot taller than Neil. Maybe 18 inches. I’ve seen Sophia stretch out one arm so that Neil can do pull-ups. “Neilochka” is actually Russian for “Toulouse-Lautrec.” When Sophia and Neil quarrel, she makes him sleep in the sink.

    How do you like it, Big Boy?

  7. Not Fainthearted

    And now you know why one reason I try to protect my blog identity. I can write so-and-so is a midget all day long and mostly no one cares because the only people that read are people who don’t know who I am or who I’m talking about.

    And it goes without saying that mostly *I* don’t know what I’m talking about….

  8. melanie

    ok ok. time out! you can write whatever you want, as long as you don’t publish it. or tell her.

    come on man. even your therapist should have told you that one. 🙂

  9. catnapping

    she’s right! it’s one of the cardinal rules.

    put the toilet seat back down; don’t put wet towels on the bed; pick up your own dirty underwear; and don’t write anything about anything on anything about your wife until she clears it.

  10. sizzle

    if sophia is a midget, i’m a…flea! 🙂

    glad therapy is helping you stand up for yourself, neil.

  11. Erin Cooper

    I write about whoever I want, I just change the names. 🙂 I could be writing about you for all you know!

  12. better safe than sorry

    i think you kind of lost your “freedom of speech writing” rights when you started opening mail that wasn’t addressed to you. watch your back, she’s feisty.

  13. cruisin-mom

    Neil, I was at Farmer’s Market/The Grove yesterday. I was looking all around for you and Sophia. Thought maybe I’d find you eating Bob’s donuts. Didn’t realize I should have been looking for a midget. Oh well, now I’ll know for next time.

  14. Long Story Longer

    This cracked me up tonight. Sorry. I’m in therapy now. I know my rights.

    It’s inspirational 🙂

  15. Michele

    I think you should maybe give her an example of fiction that puts her in an ironically favorable light. That might change things around a bit for you.

  16. di

    But what if you write something about her that perhaps falls outside the boundary of ‘okay’ BUT that brings her fame and fortune? Are you allowed to make judgement calls on what might be best in the long run?

    (of course, commenting at 4.21am isn’t the brightest thing i’ve done lately and it could be that i’m way off track and don’t even realise)

    It’s tricky.

  17. Arjewtino

    I can relate to this. Except I once wrote AND published something personal about my girlfriend (I didn’t realize she would think of it as personal) without telling her.

    She hit me with something much harder than a newspaper.

  18. Eileen

    I think you may have a death wish. Never antagonize a Sophia. I’ve known a few and they can be scrappers.

  19. Shannon

    Ha-ha, I want to be a midget!

    Wait…maybe I don’t.

  20. Ash

    The question no-one else asked is:

    what was the original post that was nixed?

    Or have I got it all wrong?


  21. Aimee Greeblemonkey

    Ohhhh, how similar that conversation sounds.

  22. jon deal

    “I’m in therapy now. I know my rights.”

    I’ll be using that at some point. :-]

  23. Loralee

    I am going to need to remember to stop drinking Diet Coke when I’m reading you because I usually end up snorting or spraying it everywhere.

    Can you blame me??? Midgets? Therapy rights? Naked Yiddish women baring corned beef sandwiches?!

    (Ok, that last part is from the other post, but still…I read them together!)

  24. HeyJoe

    Beautiful. And your wife should not be ashamed of her midget-ness. Tell her to stand tall and be proud. Or at least to stand proud.

  25. V-Grrrl

    Let’s just say that Mr. V-Grrrl does not find any sort of sexual innuendo or double entendre humorous–ever. EVER.

    Yeah, why did he marry me?

    Di took a photo of me hugging a reindeer at Christmas and I posted it with a comment along the lines of “Who has the better rack?” Um, he wasn’t amused. I had to pull it, along with other humorous lines. At least I thought it was funny.

  26. Karl

    Go Neil Go! If it makes you feel any better you’re free to write whatever you want about me. Hell, I’ll be a midget transexual if that’s what you want. More power to the writers!

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