the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Vote for Me… Or Else


I woke up this morning and saw a large manila package outside our door.  I opened the door, still in my underwear, and took it.  It was for Sophia.  Since she was still sleeping,  I took the initiative to open the package myself.  Out came a huge brochure, a press kit, and a free movie pass for a Paul Thomas Anderson-directed movie for Miramax.  I laughed to myself. It was for the SAG awards.  It was that time a year again, despite the Writers’ Strike. The Weinsteins must really want to win and Oscar this year.   Did they really send this to each and every SAG member?

I heard Sophia rustling in bed upstairs.

“You got a package!”

“A package? From whom?” she asked, half asleep.

“Someone really wants you to vote for them! — “There Will Be Blood“.”

“Oh my God.” she replied, her voice cracking nervously. “What did you say?!”

“Someone really wants you to vote for them! — “There Will Be Blood”.”

“Who would do such a thing? Is this a threat?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

Sophia stepped out of the bedroom, looking like she spent a little bit too much time on Facebook last night, particularly the US politics application. She heard me say: ” Someone really wants you to vote for them or there will be blood!”

I assured her that Hilary Clinton would never send her a manila package with a threatening message.   She would put a horse’s head in the bed.


  1. sizzle

    i thought you were going to go somewhere else with that whole “package” bit…but then again this post was not written by your penis. 😉

  2. Neil

    Sizzle, not every post is about…

  3. Jody

    I can’t believe you opened up a package that wasn’t addressed to you.

  4. Neil

    Uh, I was hoping that no one would notice that piece of info.

  5. Dagny

    I hear it’s supposed to be a good movie…

  6. catnapping

    aaack. you read your wife’s mail?

  7. Neil

    I think there is a topic for another post here. It clearly wasn’t a love letter or a sex toy from the envelope — was I so wrong to open it up?

  8. kanani

    You opened her mail? Hmmm…. do you do this often?

  9. kanani

    Wrong? I think if she doesn’t mind, then it’s just normal. But in my mind, (and this isn’t to say my mind is ever correct) anything personal like this, I think should be left for her. Now, if you choose to look over her shoulder while she’s opening her mail under the guise of lusting over her bosom, then that’s another thing…

  10. Bec

    Your life is so glamorous. I got a power tools hire catalogue in the post today. Oh yeah.

  11. cruisin-mom

    Bec is right…you lead a glamorous life Neil. I get samples of Gillette razors in the mail. I open all of my husband’s mail, is there something wrong with that?

  12. Karl

    I wonder what sort of horse head Hilary would use?

  13. better safe than sorry

    i’d have to see the package before i’d decide whether it was wrong to open it or not, i open bills that have my husband’s name of them, like the phone bill, etc., but i would never open a manila envelope or package, the excitement of the surprise should be his.
    you do lead a glam life, sophia is a SAG member? i don’t even know what’s nominated this year, let alone who i’d vote for.

  14. JanePoe (aka Deborah)

    That’s a hilarious misunderstanding! So, should we start calling Hilary the Godmother?

  15. churlita

    You guys are so glamorous in L A.

  16. Ash

    Definitely too glamorous for me. What’s Amsterdam compared to LA? 🙂

  17. brettdl

    Don’t worry Neil. Almost all our packages are for Anne (review copies.) She could care less if I open them at this point.

  18. Los Angelista

    And then Clinton would blame you both for the horse head being in the bed. I can see it now, she’d be on Meet the Press saying you started it!

  19. Erin Cooper

    I never get cool packages! You are so “Hollywood”!

  20. ...deb

    This was really funny. And scary. Because the horse head part could be true.

    I really, really used to like Hilary. Now she just scares me. Even more now with that thought in my head, thank you very much.

    (Don’t donkey’s share a lot of DNA with horses? No? must be the asses. What?! It’s the hinny?)

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