the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Month: February 2006 (Page 2 of 3)

Olympics Opening Ceremony


Yoko Ono and Peter Gabriel bring John Lennon’s message of peace to the world:

Imagine there’s no countries,
It isn’t hard to do.


USA! USA! USA!  We’re number one!

Imagine no possessions,
I wonder if you can.


McDonald’s, an official sponsor of the Olympics. 

Samsung, an official sponsor of the Olympics. 

Kodak, an official sponsor of the Olympics.

You may say I’m a dreamer…

Roomba: The Life of the Party


I hate to promote a product when I don’t get it for free, but Sophia and I got her mother, Fanya,  a Roomba for her birthday.  If you don’t know what a Roomba is, it is an automatic vacuuming robot.  You turn it on, it moves all over the room or the house vacuuming, and then it returns to its charging base when done, and even chirps a little "song." 

Last night was the birthday party at Fanya’s apartment for  family members and friends.  Tons of Russian food and drink were consumed, toasts raised, even a video of a famous Russian opera singer was watched.  But it was the Roomba that stole the show.  Most of the guests had never seen such a curious machine.  Actually, I had never seen a Roomba myself.  

When you first turn it on, you expect it to go back and forth in straight lines, vacuuming in an organized manner.  Instead it seems to just go randomly around the room, maneuvering under sofas, bumping into furniture along the way, reading the room and figuring out the lay of the land.  Because the Roomba travels around in such an unpredictable manner, it takes on the qualities of a awkward pet, like a lovable little puppy. 

Last night, as the Roomba roamed around the living room,  everyone started following behind it, as if a Conga line was forming.  The line only dispersed when the Roomba suddenly changed "his" mind and started cleaning in another direction.  Everyone laughed as the Roomba repeatedly knocked against the bedroom door until "he" finally pushed it open and went in to clean inside.  Fanya even started calling the robot from the kitchen, telling it in Russian to "Come over here and clean the kitchen floor."  And you know what — eventually, it did.

Roomba was the life of the party — and he didn’t even touch the vodka.

I’m not the only one in love with a Roomba.   This father uses a Roomba to get his kids to go to sleep.  This blogger even made a movie about his Roomba.

Does the Roomba actually vacuum well?  I have no idea.  But I think I might just get one to keep me company at night.

Blogger’s Fashion Emergency

I know many of you wonder what it would be like to meet me.  I know you visualize me as someone ultra-sophisticated and artistic-looking, a cross between George Clooney and Bono.  But I have a feeling that when you finally meet me, your first thought will be, "Gee, Neilochka dresses really bad."

I know this is a shock to you:

I have very little fashion sense. 

I went from being dressed by my mother as a child, to dressing myself shitty in black "Queen" concert t-shirts as a teenager, to being dressed by Sophia, back to dressing myself shitty again.

Here is my current uniform:




My father wasn’t a very good dresser, either, but at least he wore a shirt and tie everywhere.  And I mean EVERYWHERE, even to the beach.  We once had to leave this touristy "Cowboy" steak restaurant in Tucson because there was a sign reading "No ties allowed.  We will cut them in half."  And there was an actual guy with scissors standing at the front door. 

We ate at the Olive Garden instead.


"Oh, it’s the door.  What is this?   Danny?  Akaky?  Melissa?  Helen from Malaysia?  Is this a Blogger’s Fashion Emergency?  Sophia, did you set this up?

Where are you all going?  Into my closet?  You’re not throwing out all my clothes, are you? Not the Queen t-shirt!  I know it’s too small.  But isn’t that bearing-midriff style fashionable now?  And That’s Freddy Mercury on the back of the shirt.  The "Bohemian Rhapsody" guy.  I can sell that shirt on E-bay!"

In honor of New York’s Fashion Week, I am going to transform myself into a stylish man this weekend.. 

For my makeover, which of these fashionable looks do you most prefer?













My hair is also a mess.


Which hairstyle would work best for me?













Thanks in advance!  I know I can always depend on my readers for good advice.

Today, We Are All Valentine’s Losers


Next week, is one of the most dreaded days of the year, Valentine’s Day.    The whole concept of this commercialized holiday is more offensive to me than any Danish cartoon.  I know I will not be reading any blogs that day.  I don’t want to read about your "hubby" buying you some overpriced flowers or that you bought your cute girlfriend a little teddy bear that says "I love you, sweet ass" when you press his tummy.

First of all it’s rude.  Don’t you realize how many people don’t have sweeties in their lives?  Believe me, I’ve been there.  Don’t you remember when you used to cry on Valentines’ Day?    Suddenly you landed some dorky partner and now you want to shove it in everyone’s face.

Things work differently here at Citizen of the Month.  At this blog, EVERYONE IS A VALENTINE’S LOSER.  Imagine the scene in "Dead Poet’s Society" when all the students got on their desks and said "I’m a dead poet," or whatever they said in that melodramatic movie. 

That’s why I SINCERELY suggest that we all stand with our comrades-in-blog who are single and miserable, and write —

"I am a Valentine’s Loser"

— in the comments to this post.  What a great way to make the REAL LOSERS feel better about themselves!  And that’s what blogging is all about, isn’t it?

Of course you might be asking yourself, "What do you know about being a loser, Neilochka?  After all, you have Sophia."

Did you forget that I’m separated?  That I live in this crappy bachelor pad?  That I’d like to have some woman playing with my penis rather than me talking to it all the time?

Yes, I’m a loser —

just like all the rest of you shlubs. 

And don’t think you can wriggle out of this just because you have a wife or a boyfriend. 

You may be confident now, with your snotty nose held high.  But think about it.  Maybe your wife will leave you, fed up with all the time you spend blogging rather than taking care of her sexual needs.  Or if you’re a female blogger, maybe you’ll come home one day and find your husband shagging your blogging pal from Chicago.  Who’s in trouble now?  

So, even if you are happy now, there is a high probability that you will be a future Valentine’s Day Loser. 

So, don’t feel so sure of yourself.

So, come, let’s stand together across the blogosphere and write in the comments here —

"I am a Valentine’s Loser."

That said, I don’t want anyone feeling depressed on February 14.   There is nothing sadder than just getting one Valentine’s Day card every year — from your mother.  (yes, my mother still sends me a card). 

If you are in that situation, would you like to have an extremely sexy blogger sending you a personalized Valentine’s email?

Yes, if you are depressed,  I will send you a Valentine’s Day email on February 14th.  Just leave a message in the comments or send me an email.

And just to show that this blog isn’t all about the women, Sophia has volunteered to send a Valentine’s email to any forlorn, horny man who leaves a message in the comments or at my email address.

Let’s spread the love around!

Why I Am Against Interracial Relationships


Lately, I’ve been noticing an increase in interracial relationships here in Los Angeles. Blacks dating whites. Whites dating Asians. Asians dating Blacks.

I am against this type of relationship, much like I am against inter-religion dating or members of different cultures getting romantically involved.

My reason is simple: saving Hollywood.

As a lover of movies, particularly of the romantic comedy, I fear the death of the gimmicky movie obstacles to the young lovers’ happiness. In Shakespeare’s day, we had powerful families that hated each other, like in “Romeo and Juliet.” But since the dawn of the movies, filmmakers have used race and religion as a way to create drama, such as the movie I just saw, titled “Something New.” She’s black! He’s white! What will their parents say?! Will his friends accept his “Jungle Fever?” Will their love overcome the obstacles?

Think about it. Once these obstacles are gone, what will happen to the romantic comedy? Sure, we still have the old stand-by — he’s funny (Jewish) and she’s a anal shiksa (“When Harry Met Sally,” “Annie Hall,” “Meet the Fockers”). But even that sub-genre is getting old as assimilated Jews become less funny. Some of these Jews are so desperate for funny material, they just tell the same penis jokes over and over again. Even worse, the shiksa women are learning to tell their own jokes, ruining the dynamic.

Another old standard is the guy who’s a dullard who meets the woman who’s a free spirit (“Bringing up Baby,” “Something Wild,” a thousand other movies). I never really bought into this gimmick. I understand the boring tax accountant who is excited by the wild woman, but do exciting, fun women really want to hang out with the tax accountant? Or is this more wish fulfillment on the part of the mousy male screenwriters? I’ve been a dullard all my life.  Where are the women, grabbing me by the arm to take me on a wild ride? Well, OK, there is Sophia.

OK, maybe Sophia was one.  Sadly, even this genre is getting old, with “geeks” and accountants actually becoming sexy in popular culture.

Is the romantic comedy genre doomed? Unless we take some action now, I give it a few more years, right after they make the movie about the single rabbi and the ditsy Muslim divorcee who lives across the street from him.

Hopefully, we’ll hear from the author of the book “Writing the Romantic Comedy” himself, who keeps a blog here.

As for myself — I have a special place in my heart for women of other races and religions.  But I must insist that we not get romantically involved.  For Hollywood’s sake.

(editor’s note: These statements are here for humorous effect.  Any woman of any race or religion who wants to throw herself at Neil’s feet, will not necessarily be rejected.)

The Photo Shoot


Today, I finally played around with the free phone I got for being a Sprint Ambassador.  It’s a cool phone with a lot of options:  the ability to go online, to download music, and to watch TV.  It also has a decent camera.  I was going to take some photos, but I couldn’t figure out what to photograph.  I was going to put the phone away when I heard my Penis talking to me from inside my pants.

“Hey, I have an idea.  Let’s do some cockblogging.”


“You know, all those websites that women have where men send photos in of their erections.  Let’s take a photo of me.”

“And why on Earth would I want to do that?”

“Answer me this.  Have you ever looked at a photo of a naked woman online?”

“Uh,  sometimes.”

“Think of this as giving something back to the community.”

“I don’t think so.  I don’t enjoy the idea of plastering an image of my penis all over the blogosphere.  Especially since I’m supposedly looking for a job.”

“It might actually HELP you get a better job.  Employers like workers with initiative.”

“I don’t really really feel comfortable with this.”

“You say you’re a believer in feminism and women’s equality, but when women want to express their sexuality by looking at erect penises, you mock them.”

“I’m not mocking them.”

“Why don’t you just put them behind Burqas?  Move them all to Saudi Arabia, you hypocrite.”

“Penis, you’re really being manipulative with this argument.”

“As they say, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.”

“You’re totally out of line, Penis…”

“C’mon… do it for the women.  The lonely women.  The ones who will be home on Valentine’s Day without a boyfriend and all they have is your erect penis on the computer monitor.  Be a mensch.”

I started thinking about all my lonely Valentine’s Days, when the only one who sent me a card was my mother.

“Do you really think it will help brighten someone’s day?”

“Sure… sure…   and isn’t that what you’re all about…”

“I do like to make other people happy…”

“Then it’s settled…”

“OK, let’s try it and see what happens. ”

“Great, let’s get to work!”

“What’s the first step?”

“Do you still have that “Dancing with the Stars” on the Tivo?  The one with the very sexy dancer named Cheryl doing the rumba in that short skirt?”

“I think so.”

Four minutes later we were ready for the photo shoot.

We moved to the bedroom, where I attempted to frame the perfect shot.  I checked the light with an old light meter I had used in film school.

“Penis, could you just move over a little to the left… that’s it… good…good… Brilliant lighting.  It reminds me a little bit of the opening shot in “Rear Window””

“You do realize you’re setting things up to take the shot from the left side.  When I’m actually more photogenic on my right side.

“Well, I have to do it this way if I want the mirror in the shot.  There supposed to be a reflection.  Did you ever see Bergman’s “Wild Strawberries?””

“Are you an asshole?  I’m the one who’s going to be in the photo and I’m telling you that my right side is better!”

“Does it really matter which side I shoot you from?”

“Would you ask that of  Barbra Streisand?  On talk shows, they rearrange the furniture just for her. She even comes with her own special lighting equipment.”

“For a man’s dick, you’re a real prima donna.”

“I think you’re a little jealous that I’m the star here, and you’re just the crew.  Below-the-line, as they say in Hollywood.”

“I’m the photographer, jerk.  Like Ansel Adams, they remember the photographer, not the subject.”

“Oh yeah, so tell me, what were you thinking of naming this photograph?”

“How about something like… “Neil and his Cock?”

“You slimy backstabber.  I knew it!  It clearly should be named “The Cock and his Neil.””

“You’re my cock.  Why should you get top billing?”

“Oh, I see.  Now you want top billing?  Before you didn’t even want anyone to do this.  Now all of a sudden, you see the fame and fortune.   Very “All about Eve” of you.   I do the work and you take the money.  Welcome to the entertainment industry.”

“Listen, Penis, I don’t care what you say.  I’m not going to put my own name after my own cock.”

“Oh, Big Neilochka.  Now I see the real you.  You say you’re a nice guy, but you’re really a creep.  You want to play hard ball…”

“Calm down, Penis.”

“Who are you to tell me what to do?  I run things around here.”

“Actually you don’t.  I do.”


“You know, forget it.  This photo shoot is off!”

“Fuck you, Neilochka!”

“OK, Penis, go back to normal.”

“Ha Ha.  Sucker!  I’m staying up as long as I want.  Hard as a rock.”

“Go down, I insist.”

“Fuck you.  Fuck you.  Fuck you.”

“Look, if you’re not going to go down yourself, I can just –”

“Get your goddamn hand off me.  How rude.  You don’t touch me unless I agree to it.  Sometimes no means no.”

“OK, I’m sorry.  May I, please…?”


“OK, fine.  Then I’m going to take a cold shower.  That should work.”

‘No, it won’t.  Not if I don’t say so.”

“Oh, yes it will.”

“Ten bucks.”

“You’re on!”

As I headed to the shower, I could hear —

“Scarlett Johannson’s gorgeous ripe, delicious tits.  Imagine them in your face.  Sharon Stone slowly opening her thighs revealing the good stuff in Basic Instinct.  She’s calling you over.  “Neilochka, Neilochka, fuck me, fuck me.  Sophia in Madrid during the honeymoon, slowly taking off her clothes.”

“OK, shut up!  Shut up!”

I reached over for the telephone and dialed it.  Sophia answered.


“Sophia, it’s me.  I need you to come over right away.”

“I’m watching last week’s Celebrity Poker Showdown.”

“It’s an emergency.”

“What’s the matter?”

“It’s, uh, my cock… I need you to…”

“Gee, how romantic.  Good-bye.”

Click.  She hung up.

“OK, I give up.”

“Good — let’s go back to the shoot.”


“Ha Ha.  The Penis always wins.”

But I didn’t say I was going to take a GOOD SHOT.

Who’s the sucker now, Penis?!   You are!!   Loser!

Man 1    Penis 0


Muslims Hate Denmark


Flags burned and protesters chanted as outrage spread over the Middle East, with Denmark being the brunt of the storm.   Trouble started brewing when Frederik Anders, a 12 year old boy from Copenhagen, posted a photo on his blog of the Egyptian pyramid he built from materials created by the Denmark-based company LEGO. 


His blog, "I Love LEGO" was bombarded with messages threatening him with death.   Islamic leaders demanded an apology from the Danish government, or predicted more violence.

At a demonstration organized by Hamas, tens of thousands of protesters marched in the streets, some of them chanting: "Those responsible should have their hands cut off."

"We are a religion of peace," said a cleric.

Oops, wrong story.  Oh, yes, the satirical cartoons published in the Danish newspaper, Jyllands-Posten.   One of the cartoons shows Muhammad as a jihad warrior wearing a turban shaped like a bomb. 

I wouldn’t dare publish the cartoons here, in fear of my life.   But as a newly self-actualized Jewish blogger, I can publish this lovely "satirical" cartoon  from today’s Bahrain’s newspaper, Akhbar al-Khalij, explaining how this Danish situation was really caused  BY THE JEWS!  


The text reads "The Penetration of Zionism to Denmark."  Notice the "Star of David"- shaped cheese and the worms.

That’s it! — this weekend I am boycotting all shish-kabobs!

Update:  You can see the "offensive" Danish cartoons here,  here, and here.

Update #2:   The burning of the Danish Embassy in Syria.


Update #3:  Burning the Danish Consulate in Beirut — all because of cartoons…


UPDATE 4:  I’ve decided to "publish" the photos as well, in support of the Danish publisher.

(stolen from TWM)

The Jewish Blogger


Sophia and I picked up her mother and step-father.  We were going to go out for dinner.  We always go out for Chinese, so Sophia thought we should try something new.

"How would you like to try Canter’s Deli?" she asked.

Sophia’s mother made a face showing her disinterest.    Too salty and too sweet. 

Now my parents, being New York-bred Jews, were raised on deli food.  My father, in particular, loved to eat stuff like corned beef sandwiches and stuff cabbage — even when my mother wouldn’t let him touch the cholesterol-laden stuff for the last ten years.    This deli food is usually thought of as "Jewish" (even though it is probably originally Polish, Romanian, or Hungarian food).

My grandparents come from a small village in Russia/Poland, pretty much the same area that Sophia’s grandparents came from.  The big difference is that my family came to America and her family stayed behind.  And when you hear stories of the awful Soviet Regime — it’s pretty clear why Sophia is a Republican today.

I find the differences in our mothers quite interesting.  It makes me think of the old nature or nurture argument.   Can one generation in different countries really make that big of a difference? 

My mother is so "American" in her likes and dislikes.  Sophia’s mother is so "Russian."  Although both are Jewish and have roots in the same area of Eastern Europe, they’re completely different culturally. 

Maybe this means nurture is more important than nature.   Where you grow up really does "make the man." I know some people leave the big city when they have children, so they can grow up in a "better environment."  But are the suburbs really a better environment?  Does growing up in Los Angeles make you a vain narcissist, more so than growing up in Kansas? 

On some level, I think these cultural differences are disappearing.  Anyone in the country can get cable or read any book just by ordering it on Amazon.   I read blogs from people all over the place, and bloggers from New York or Boston don’t necessarily write anything more intellectual or compelling than someone from a small town.  I guess anyone can read the New York Times online.

I know being Jewish is also part of my identity.  American Jews, including myself, are always trying to draw the right line between being American and keeping in touch with their heritage.    I’m pretty secular so I have an easier time than those who keep kosher.   But keeping connected with your group is not something only Jews do.  I see it blacks, Asians, even French-born people living in the States.  I don’t see anything wrong with it.  Life would be pretty boring if all the world was the same, all eating the same Big Macs.  It would be like living in Orange County.

Sometimes I’m not sure how "Jewish" I am.   I have a couple of readers who are "Jewish bloggers."  I recently asked one of them, "What makes your blog so Jewish?  You hardly write about anything Jewish."

"Aren’t you a Jewish blogger?"

"Not really."

"Sure you are.  You write more about Jewish things than other Jewish bloggers."

"I also write about my penis and I’m not  "a Penis blogger."

Maybe I just don’t want to be categorized. 

Last weekend, I was trying to categorize my blogroll.  First, I separated everyone by gender — but it was embarrassing that I had so many more women than men.  Then, I started separating everyone geographically, but I got stuck figuring out where to put Leesa (Montana) and I wasn’t sure if Brooke (in Florida) was "East Coast" or "South."  Next, I thought of arranging everyone by "personality type" — humorous, poetic, dramatic, spicy, etc.   But I had a feeling that many of you would hate being categorized with one word, like casting directors do with actors:

"Bring me the funny-looking one!"

I know I hate being categorized.    I guess I’m a Jewish blogger.   A Penis blogger.   A "talk about Sophia" a lot blogger.   Do you categorize your own blog? 

If someone asked you to describe your content, could you?

UPDATE:   Terrific short film at Sundance 2006 which explores some of the issues of being Jewish in America.  It is called "The Tribe," and it has a very clever twist — it humorously  tells the history of both the Barbie doll (created by a Jewish mother) and the Jewish people – from Biblical times to present day.    You can watch it here.   Thanks, Hanan at Grow a Brain, for the link. 

Why I Moved to Los Angeles

"It Never Rains In Southern California" by Albert Hammond

Got on board a westbound seven forty-seven
Didn’t think before deciding what to do
Ooh, that talk of opportunities, TV breaks and movies
Rang true, sure rang true …


Seems it never rains in southern California
Seems I’ve often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California, but girl, don’t they warn ya?
It pours, man, it pours


I’m out of work, I’m out of my head
Out of self respect, I’m out of bread
I’m underloved, I’m underfed, I wanna go home
It never rains in California, but girl, don’t they warn ya?
It pours, man, it pours


Will you tell the folks back home I nearly made it?
Had offers but didn’t know which one to take
Please don’t tell ’em how you found me
Don’t tell ’em how you found me
Gimme a break, give me a break


Seems it never rains in southern California
Seems I’ve often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California, but girl, don’t they warn ya?
It pours, man, it pours


Upcoming Movie Sequels in Development/Confirmed     

A Bugs Life 2
Alien 5
Austin Powers 4
Blair Witch 3
Battlefield Earth 2
Baby’s Day Out 2
Bad Boys 3
Bean 2
Beetlejuice 2
Blade 3: Trinity
Blue Streak 2
Bringing Down The House 2
Bring It On 4
Beverly Hills Cop IV
Bulletproof Monk 2
Caddyshack 3
Commando 2
Cabin Fever 2
Candyman 4
Cats & Dogs 2 [Confirmed]
Country Bears 2 [first bombed?]
Coyote Ugly 2
Cheech and Chong Smoke The Bong
Crocodile Dundee 4
Crow: Wicked Prayer
The Commitments 2
Congo 2
D4: The Mighty Ducks 4
Daredevil 2
Darkness Falls 2
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo [Confirmed]
The Fast and the Furious 3
Final Destination 3
Finding Nemo 2
Freaky Friday 2
Galaxy Quest 2
Ghostbusters 3
Grease 3
Godzilla 2
The Goonies 2: Goonies Never Say Die
Grosse Pointe Blank 2
Halloween 9
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix [Confirmed]
House of The Dead 2
Hellboy 2
Hulk 2
Independence Day 2
Jaws 5
Johnny English 2
Jumanji 2 [Confirmed, Zathura]
Kangaroo Jack 2: Jack is Back
Karate Kid 5
Kindergarten Cop 2
Lethal Weapon 5
Legally Blonde 3
The Lizzie McGuire Movie 2
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen 2
Monsters Inc. 2
Mortal Kombat 3: Domination
Men in Black 3
The Mummy 3
Old School 2
Operation Condor 3
Parent Trap 2
Pirates of the Caribbean 2 [Confirmed]
Planet Of The Apes 2
Predator 3
Police Academy 8: Yet Again [Confirmed]
Pretty Woman 2
Punisher 2
Rambo 4
Robocop 4
Roger Rabbit 2
Rocky Horror: The Second Coming
Rocky 6
Scary Movie 5
The Mask 2 [Confirmed]
Scorpion King 2
Scream 4
Seriously Dude Where’s My Car?
Shrek 3 [Confirmed]
The Sixth Sense 2
The Skulls 3
Star Trex XI
Streetfighter 2
Sweet Home Alabama 2
Spiderman 3 [Confirmed]
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
Time Cop 2
Tomb Raider 3
Total Recall 2
Toy Story 3
The Transporter 2
Tremors 4
The Tuxedo 2
Twister 2
True Lies 2
Underworld 2
Under Siege 3
Vertical Limit 2
Wrong Turn 2
X-Man 3 [Confirmed]
XXX2 [Confirmed]

(via The Movie Insider)

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