the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Time to Ruin Another Christian Holiday!


Dear Fellow Congregants of Temple Beit Blogosphere,


May I commend you on the excellent work you did last month.  Getting Walmart to say "Happy Holidays" rather than "Merry Christmas" was a real coup!  We even got Bill O’Reilly’s attention, and he ended up promoting it endlessly. 

Did you know that one of Bill O’Reilly’s producers is Jewish?  What a shonda!  Let’s not even bring up that Jack Abramoff.  Never trust an Orthodox Jew who spends too much time at an Indian casino.

Anyway, the Temple Sisterhood is already making plans for next year’s big Holiday controversy.  Imagine what FOX News will say when we suggest changing the title of the traditional carol "Silent Night, Holy Night" to "Silent Night, Ho Ho Ho Night."  so it is less "religiously Christian."  Ooh, boy, that’s going to be a good one!  You’ll all be receiving your memos in the mail some time in September.

As you know, the next big Christian holiday is Easter.  Normally, here in America, we don’t get much bothered by Easter.   After all, we have Passover, and most of us would rather eat some good gefilte fish than an Easter ham.   In fact, I’m sure if Jesus was here himself, he’d be chugging down the Manischewitz at a seder with the rest of us. 

However, things might be different this Easter.  According to the Washington Post, trouble is brewing in Easter-land, and it has nothing to do with wearing bonnets:

Three months before the annual Easter egg roll at the White House, the usually festive event is already taking on a divisive edge because of plans by gay- and lesbian-led families to turn out en masse in hopes of raising their public profile.

Conservative groups are up at arms at the thought of thousands of gays and lesbians coming with their children to participate in the annual White House  "egg roll.".

"It’s improper to use the egg roll for political purposes," said Mark Tooley of the conservative Institute on Religion and Democracy.

Now, most Jews only know one "egg roll," and it goes best with a little spicy Chinese mustard.  But maybe it’s time for us to take a little political action of our own.  Why shouldn’t our children have the simcha of going to the White House and playing on the front lawn with all the Christian kids?  

Of course we want our "little bundles of joy" to maintain their Jewish identity at this event.  That’s why Danny Lebowitz of the Temple Men’s Club had the wonderful idea of providing each Jewish child with his or her own matzoh ball to roll on the White House lawn. 

What a great country this is where Christian children and Jewish children can play side by side, rolling their eggs and matzoh balls side by side! 

Take that, Bill O’Reilly!

Rabbi Neilochka Kramer



  1. Melissa

    Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Perfect.

  2. Edgy Mama

    But think about what the perfectly manicured White House lawn will look like when streaked with soggy matzoh? I doubt Rove will approve.

  3. mrsmogul

    I have an idea. Instead of calling it EASTER, we calle it “ESTHER!”


  4. Marisa

    Neilochka, you are a funny man.

  5. Michael

    A little levity with my unleavend bread.

  6. anne arkham

    I’m an atheist. What do I roll?

  7. Pearl

    Is there a dress code for this farfel function?

    And you know the ongoing debate — are soft matzoh balls better than hard matzoh balls? Would there be a face-off between MOT (members of the tribe) children for just this reason?

  8. poshpeasant

    The drunks, Anne, you roll the drunks. The prizes are better.

  9. JJ

    Sigh. Nobody can be bothered to take the Bush administration to task for its laundry list of crimes, but they can get up the energy to trash traditional holidays. Great.

  10. ashbloem

    I also am an atheist.

    Let’s roll amphibians.

  11. amanda

    i made hard boiled eggs this weekend, and i thought it smelled like easter. i am jewish. i have dyed eggs twice in my life. hard boiled eggs smell like easter. where did this come from?

  12. akaky

    Ukraine. Smearing paint all over unsuspecting chicken eggs for Easter is a Ukrainian schtick.

  13. Neil

    I didn’t realize so many of my readers are so godless. Without a Superior Being, how do you explain the perfection of the egg? Although if you think of it, an egg is an odd choice of something to roll. A tennis ball, which is a perfect sphere would be more effective. Even a matzoh ball.

    And Amanda, I used to color Easter eggs when I was a kid. I don’t remember why. But the Easter Bunny was just dull compared to his Jewish counterpart, Bugs Bunny.

  14. bettyonthebeach

    Bugs was a jew? Crap! I never even considered that.

  15. The Daily Rant

    I think I’m going to round up my gay friends and a few kids I know here and there and go roll eggs just to piss off the conservatives. Oh, and I think I’m going to wear something festive – in “pastel” rainbow colors.

    And if I were within throwing distance of Bill O’Reilly, I’d peg him right in the head with an egg.

    Great post Neil!

    PS: I also prefer the “egg rolls” that the Jews love!! Just had one last night! 🙂

  16. claire

    What does rolling colored eggs have to do with Christianity anyway? I mean other than naming them “Easter eggs,” is there some religious reason?

    Anyway, I’ll be with the non-religious bowling contingent- our balls are swirly and colorful, and heavy enough to take out the religious right on the lawn.

  17. Brooke

    What if you are gay and a Jew? Then what do you do? I’m not gay – I was just wondering.

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that….

  18. Won't tell

    I don’t roll on Shabbos.

  19. He's Dead, Jim!

    Why not a White House Blogroll?

  20. Sandra

    Brooke, I think that if you’re jewish and gay you squish up the purple Tele-Tubby into some sort of sphere and roll it. While singing something by either Cher or Ani Difranco.

  21. better safe than sorry

    i like those cadbury cream eggs, that’s the best part of the approaching season. you should get cadbury to make some cadbury cream matzoh balls. i have no idea how to spell matzoh, oops, sorry.

  22. cruisin-mom

    Won’t Tell: You and John Goodman…Shomer Shabbos, huh?

  23. miriam

    The Muslims could roll Jews.

  24. zooz

    what! You eat gefillte fish for Seder?

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