the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

The Argument


Sophia and I had an argument today and I was going to blog about it — when it occurred to me that I never read anyone blogging about arguing with a lover/companion/spouse. 

I read blogs about dating. 

I read blogs about couples in love. 

I read blogs about couples that hate each other after they split up. 

But somewhere in between there, there must be a lot of arguments going on about something.  Maybe domestic arguments are one of those topics you don’t talk about — sort of like not talking about money.  Sex is fine to talk about.  I think it is easier for a wife to blog about oral sex with her husband than to write about the the fight she had with him after he forgot her dress at the cleaners.

This was a big year for celebrity breakups  — Nick and Jessica, Brad and Jennifer, etc.  I know that because I was reading this in some US Magazine I swiped from my doctor’s office.  Like couples in blogs, these couples never seem to fight either.  The magazine writers always base their breakups on something concrete and logical.  One celebrity wanted a baby, the other didn’t.   One was always too busy filming some pirate epic half a world away.  Someone had an affair.  Someone was caught with a hooker.  And so on. 

But no one actually has a fight — or talks about it.

Today, Sophia and I had a argument.  It wasn’t a particularly big one.  Or an impressive one.  We’ve had those in the past.  Today, I’m mostly interested in my reluctance to write about it.  Will other bloggers think less of me if I reveal that I actually have arguments with my separated wife?

Sophia and I have both been feeling cranky because of the flu.  My mother, who just happens to be visiting from New York,  has been taking care of us like we are kids again.  (Note:  Both Sophia and I are only children used to a lot of attention).

"Mom, can you bring me some tea?" called Sophia from the bedroom, where she has barricaded herself in her bed with a week’s worth of figure-skating programs on her TIVO.  "Mom!"

I’m in my office, lying on my couch, my laptop on my lap, my tissues for my running nose at my side.   It’s actually started to bug me that my mother is splitting her care between Sophia and me.

I crawled into the bedroom, mostly to show Sophia that I was sicker than she was.

"My mother is making some soup for me.  Can she finish before you start asking her for some tea?"

"Tea only takes a minute."

"I’m sorry, but I’m the sick one now."

"What are you talking about?  I’ve been sick three more days than you already."

"Exactly, your time is up.  Now I’m the sick one."

"You don’t look very sick."

"Don’t you hear me coughing?"

"Well, you were able to blog before.  How sick can you be?"

"What, are you insinuating that I’m faking being sick?"

"All I know is that I have 102 temperature and you don’t have any."

"I’m hot!  I’m very hot.  Those digital thermometers never work with me."

"You’re not just playing it up for you mother?"

"And why would you say that?"

"Because you don’t like her taking care of me."

"That’s ridiculous.  I think YOU’RE the one who’s upset because she’s making me soup before she gives you tea?"

"That’s asinine."

"Is it?"

"She makes everything for you before me."

"She’s my mother.  She’s supposed to.  And it’s not true!  If anything she spends more time on you than me!"

The phone rings.  It is Sophia’s mother, who lives in Los Angeles, but doesn’t have a car and can’t really get here.  They talk in Russian for a minute, then Sophia hangs up.

"Who was that?" I asked.

"My mother.  She wanted to know how I’m doing."

"Did she ask about me?"


"No, she didn’t."

"Of course she did."

"I took that one course in Russian.  I didn’t hear anything that sounded like "Neil is fine" or "Neil is sick.""

"No, but she did mention, "When is Neil going to get a new job already?"

"Oh, she did, did she…?!!  Well, there’s certainly a big difference between your mother and my mother here."

"I’m not too sure.  I think your mother wants you to find a job already too."

"I’m looking.  I’m looking."

"Oh, yeah, like writing for that Blogebrity is a real JOB?!"

Then the argument really took off, until we both started coughing and sneezing, and went back into our separate rooms to go to sleep.

Today on Blogebrity:  Lynn Sees Heaven  (Lynn’s site, Sprigs)


  1. Megan

    If I ever get a boyfriend, I’ll be sure to write all about the rediculous fights we’ll be sure to have. Damn, I miss fighting with someone.

    Actually, I miss the make-up sex more.

    (You’re mom is about the sweetest person on the planet. You better do something really lovely for her once you’re better!)

    (Oh, and feel better Neilie.)

  2. brando

    you dear sweet man.

    that’s not a fight!

    call me when doors get broke and you’re shopping the next day for spackle and Ace bandages.

  3. Neil

    I guess I did instinctively stop the story before we got to the point of her throwing the bottle of Robitussin at my head.

  4. bella

    you’re right. the argument blog is bo-ring. bloging about sex is much better.

  5. Lynn

    I crawled into the bedroom, mostly to show Sophia that I was sicker than she was.

    Hey, that’s my thing. I crawl from room to room all the time when I am feeling ill.

  6. Elvira Black

    So you just happened to happen upon a copy of US magazine in the doctor’s waiting room, hmmmm? Yeah, right, sure. Whatever…

    By you this is a fight? If you’re Jewish, this is normal conversation.

  7. He's Dead, Jim!

    Ouch! Sorry you are sick. Your mom is a gem, Neil.

  8. Danny

    There’s nothing I enjoy more than reading about a good fight. Of course with both of you sick that sort of gives you an excuse—I prefer fights that are more irrational (some good friends of mine almost broke up once because of an argument over which has more calories, white or dark chocolate). I’ve tried to write in my blog about fights that Kendall and I have had but I usually hold back because I don’t want my Blog Character to look as insane as I really am. My favorite movie fight between a couple is from Woody Allen’s “Radio Days”:

    Man: The Atlantic’s a better ocean!
    Woman: No, the Pacific is better!
    Man: Are you crazy?! The Atlantic!
    Woman: The Pacific!

  9. Alissa

    Poor Neil… I turn into a needy, emotional wreck when I’m sick. I feel for you! Hope you feel better soon.

    Could I rent your mom when I’m sick? Does she travel? Detroit isn’t THAT far away…

  10. 3rdtimesacharm( 3T )

    A couple fight? Um, no. THIS, was just too cute! 🙂
    And sweet in about 10 different ways.
    Someday I’ll post one of my “couple fights.” Not so near Christmas though.

  11. schuey

    Just read the post I’d missed. You re a little too clever and it sometimes makes me feel bad about myself !

  12. Melissa

    People fight when they are emotional about something. It’s more intimate than sex because you are far more vulnerable in a fight. Your SO knows you inside and out, and they are the one that knows all your buttons – and exactly how to press them.

    To write about fighting you have to write about feeling unheard or under appreciated or taken for granted or just plain unloved. Loving is showing your underbelly and fighting with someone you love leaves a lot of room for damage.

    I wouldn’t want to show the world all my weaknesses.

  13. DawnKelly

    There’s a fist sized dent in our bedroom’s drywall.

    The boy wonder asked me about it the other day.

    I told him it was what happens when children who weren’t allowed to verbalize their frustration grow up and get married to a woman who verbalizies hers like a freight train going down hill with it’s brakes out.

  14. Wendy

    Interesting post – isn’t it funny how we offer up sex which is so much more personal than fighting which everyone engages in – fighting is good – it keeps the blood moving. I hope you are feeling better. 🙂

  15. Neil

    Uh, I don’t want to give the impression that we only fight when we are sick. We fight when we are healthy, too.

  16. Tatyana

    Neil, what were you doing lying sick in your separated wife’s apartment? Or you temporarily moved there so you’ll avoid facing the fact your mother prefers to stay there and take care of Sophia rather than encountering your neighbors who all think now you’re a freak?

  17. Networkchic

    I kind of agree with you, she’s your mom so you sort of get dibs on her time, especially when you are sick. Now whether or not you are sicker than Sophia, maybe that’s not something you should be trying to prove. P-)

  18. Pearl

    I’m such a pacifist by nature; as a Libran, I like balance. I rarely, if ever, fight with anyone, including my husband. And let me tell you, that pisses him off royally!!! He doesn’t want to meet my silence; he’s waiting for me to snap back at him.
    But every few years, when I do release my anger and am in a feisty, fighting mood, you’d better look out!

  19. Laura

    Those digital thermometers never work for me, either. Ha!
    I’m not allowed to blog about the arguments in my house, and’ll also notice I never blog about my husband..hmmm..two and two equallllls? ALL WE DO IS ARGUE. I don’t particularly want my blog to be a whining, persuasive writing blog of how my husband is an ass. Although…

  20. ms. sizzle

    arguing when sick is a given. with me, it’s cranky city. steer clear!

    i hope you feel better. both of you.


  21. anonymous city girl

    For the same reason I don’t like arguing in the “heat of the moment”, I wouldn’t blog about a (real) argument or fight with a loved one… for fear of saying something that couldn’t be taken back… and blogging is worse than a verbal slip in a fight, it’s out there for the virtual world to see… and even if you delete it, it is never really gone.
    And other people in both your real lives read your blog and it could put them in an awkward spot. I once moved in with a woman I became friends with thru a mutual friend of ours… things went down hill very quickly and became very ugly. I did not vent in anyway in front of this mutual friend. The only purpose it would serve would be to make her feel torn… The mutual friend is someone I am very close to and reads my blog… I have wanted to post about the roommate experience (some of it is so ridiculous it’s amusing… now), but I don’t want to put my friend in a position where she feels I am slamming one of her friends.
    Silly situations and romantic endeavors are one thing to share… serious emotional issues are another thing. It is one thing if it only involves you, but when it reflects on another there maybe serious consequences.

  22. jamy

    There is a whole blog/book on just this topic (I don’t know him or anything, but it’s darn funny):

    I got to thinking about it though–would I write about day-to-day bickering? I’ve been blogging for almost a year and I haven’t had a boyfriend long enough to get to the bickering! There have been breakup fights and bad date fights (at least one), but nothing like you describe.

    However, if I have a boyfriend next year for longer than a month, I won’t be surprised if I write about fighting. After all, I don’t write about sex, so what else is there?

  23. LisaBinDaCity

    When I don’t feel well I am SUCH a cranky girl. I would be mad if someone else, (even a partner,) was getting MY Mom’s attention too lol.

    Hope you both feel better soon.

  24. annie

    It could be worse, Neil.

    You could be separated from and living with a psychologist. There’s nothing so unsettling as a couple’s argument involving a shrink-type. My husband will vouch for that.

  25. Hope

    As it so happens I just today blogged about an argument with my boyfriend.

    And I feel for you on the mom thing. As the only girl I get extreme jealousy pangs whenever my sister-in-law is around. I’m the only daughter! I don’t want to share!

  26. Heather B.

    Now if my mom started taking care of someone else while I was sick, I’d be a little perturbed as well.
    But really, not a serious argument and glad all is well now.

  27. Karla

    A fight’s not really a fight unless there’s a lot of phlegm flying around. Sounds like a good show.

  28. Fitèna

    You really do inspire me. You’re reality show dating program inspired my last post.

    arguments are such a waste of time and yet so necessary though we still end up not seeing eye to eye.


  29. Sedulia

    I would LOVE to blog about some of the ridiculous things that go on in this house. Too bad I reeeeelly can’t. Maybe some day!

  30. subgirl

    no fists were flying, so i think its safe to say it wasnt too bad a fight 🙂

  31. The Moviequill

    blogs about arguing?… isn’t that what is for?

  32. Janet

    Why not be a trendsetter?

  33. sweettooth120

    Oh my, you obviously didn’t read my blog today.

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