Yesterday, rather than looking for work, I distracted myself in a new way: What type of Christmas and Hanukkah gifts should I buy for my beloved blogging friends? I spent an hour thinking about what type of people they are, hoping that this would help me better choose their ideal gifts.
First of all, they are a humorous bunch, always ready with a quick-witted comment. In fact, they are more than just amusing, they are downright hilarious at times. Even wacky!
But they are also more than "class clowns" or jokesters. They exhibit an aura of gravitas, of brainy wisdom. I even might consider them intellectuals!
So, here is my conclusion: they are wacky and intellectual. Where in the world am I going to find the perfect gift for Wacky Intellectuals?
Of course, my first instinct was to go to the most wacky and intellectual website on the internet, Google, where I searched for "wacky intellectual gifts" and BOOM — there I found it.
A site for WACKY INTELLECTUAL GIFTS!
It was like I suddenly hit the motherlode of crazy (but appealing to those with higher education) gifts!
Oh, boy, will my blogger babes go crazy when they find their very own Jane Austen Action Figure under their Darcy-themed Christmas Tree.
Much to Sophia’s dismay, several of my blogger friends are egghead liberals who hate Bush. What could be a better gift than the Lost Civil Liberties Mug — where they can watch their rights slowly disappear under the Bush Administration?
For some reason, half of my blogging friends always seem drunk or hungover when they post. For them, I will give the Great American Drinkers Shot Glasses, so they can make believe they are creative drunks like Oscar Wilde, writing something witty when they are soused off their ass.
Most of the New York bloggers seem very neurotic, even crazy, and spend half their salaries on analysis, and then talk about how bad their therapist is on their blog. I think they would most benefit from My Analyst Magic Therapy Ball.
Schuey gets the Nietzsche watch. Read his blog and you’ll understand.
Pauly D naturally gets the Mr. T. Talking Keychain.
I was really enjoying thinking about all my gift-giving. When I looked over all of the gifts on the web page, they clearly were what they were advertised to be — wacky and intellectual.
But then something stopped me in my tracks. Something threw me for a loop. I was confused.
By what, you might ask?
I was very confused by the inclusion of one item as being a wacky and intellectual gift:
For several hours I sat there in thought, rubbing the three-day growth on my chin. Why do they consider this to be a wacky and Intellectual gift? It’s not particularly wacky. And it doesn’t appear to be intellectual.
The website content certainly didn’t give me any clues:
Natural Sunlight Lamps Sale. Natural Sunlight Lamps can help with Seasonal Affective Disorders as they provide a Day-light spectrum for health and well being.
These lamps help reduce eyestrain and computer screen glare because they produce less glare Than Other 26-Watt Compact Fluorescent Lamps
* All lamps Covered by One-Year Free Replacement Warranty on Lamp and Fixture * The Vita-Lite Plus Compact Fluorescent Bulb Lasts up to 5 Years *10,000 User Hours
So, nu? Where’s the stuff about being wacky and intellectual?
Being the overly-curious type, I couldn’t put this issue to sleep. I decided to order one of these lamps, and I even paid extra for one-day shipping, just so I can report back to you — my readers — with my results.
At 10AM this morning, the doorbell rang. It was the UPS man with a delivery.
It was my Natural Sunlight Lamp!
I quickly assembled it and placed it on coffee table. I plugged it in and turned it on. The light went on. It was an attractive light that seemed a lot brighter than the bare 40 Watt bulb I usually have stuck in the socket in the ceiling.
But I have to admit, that I didn’t find the lamp either humorously wacky or intellectually stimulating.
I stared at it… and stared some more, and gradually I started to giggle. All of a sudden, I thought of all the wacky stunts that I could play on people with this lamp. Like a Galileo seeing the world in a new way, I "saw" the WACKY in the Natural Sunlight Lamp.
For instance, imagine you’re having a party on Saturday night and all of your friends are over. One of your friends goes into the bathroom. While he is in there, you decide to play a funny gag on him. You quickly take out the Natural Sunlight Lamp from the closet and turn it on, close the drapes, hide the lamp so he can’t see it, but making sure it still lights up the room, and tell everyone to hide. When your friend comes out of the bathroom, you ask him where he’s been all night? You say it’s the next morning and he was in the bathroom all night. Doesn’t he see that it looks like daytime? Your friend will be more confused than Rip Van Winkle. Just imagine the wacky expression on your friend’s face!
For a more sexy gag, how about inviting your next door neighbor for some nude sunbathing with your new "sun lamp"? Imagine the laughs when she finds out that she can’t get tan with this type of light!
Ok, wacky resolved. But what about intellectual?
This had me dumbfounded for another two hours, until the doorbell rang again. Could it be UPS again?
No. It was Charlotte, my neighbor, an attractive woman from Paris who was going for her doctorate in photobiology at UCLA. She wanted to know if I had some Cheerios that she could borrow.
"Of course" I said. "I always buy a couple of extra boxes of Cheerios at Costco."
As I went to my kitchen cabinet, her eyes lit up on seeing the Natural Sunlight Lamp on the coffee table.
"Oh my, a Natural Sunlight Lamp!"
"Yes, I just got it today."
"Did you know that natural sunlight travels at a speed of 186,000 miles a second from a source ninety-three million miles away — and it rates with food, water and air as part of the life-support system on earth."
Hmmm.. Miss Photobiology was very intellectual about this lamp. Yes, indeed. I tried to respond as intelligently as I could. Luckily, I had just read an interesting article about photobiology in the New Yorker.
"I was just reading this article that natural light is so important, it can also boost beef production. Cattle that spend "longer days" under correct artificial light are 10% to 15% heavier, with no increase in food consumption."
"Interesting. I didn’t know you took an interest in photobiology?"
"Oh, yes. Even though, the science of photobiology is a recent one. Some photobiologists say doctors showed little interest in the subject until about five years ago."
I handed her the box of Cheerios. My hand slightly rubbed against hers. She smiled at me.
"Actually, the American Society of Photobiology was just founded only eight years ago."
"Amazing, considering that there is nothing more interesting than light."
Before we knew it, I had her pinned against the wall and we were fucking like two light waves.
"Oh, my God," she shouted. "This is more fun than rating light by the color rendering index."
"You mean the CRI of 100?" I said as I thrust wildly.
"Yes, yes. With full-spectrum fluorescent being 100."
"Standard cool white, 91."
"Harder, harder. Fluorescent, 68."
"Other fluorescent being 56."
"It’s gonna… it’s gonna… Oh, there’s nothing like having an orgasm in Natural Sunlight…a little this way…"
We tilted to the side and I bumped into the coffee table. The Natural Sunlight Lamp flew off the table and crashed to the floor. It immediately BURST into flames. The coffee table caught fire. The fire alarm went off. The sprinkler shot water everywhere. Charlotte ran out of the apartment screaming for her life.
"Wait. Wait. Charlotte, don’t leave yet!" I screamed, running after her into the hallway with my cock still up.
But it was too late. She was just like the French. They act all intellectual, and when there is the first sign of trouble, they run like cowards.
I was foiled again.
After the fire department came, I threw the Natural Sunlight Lamp into the incinerator room.
"What a piece of shit," I told myself. "That’s the last time I buy anything online."
Anyway, I’m sorry. Forget those gifts I was going to give to you all. I don’t trust the quality of these wacky and intellectual gifts.
hmmm… i didn’t see that bit of erotica coming!;)
as for me, i’d take that Analyst toy… whole lot cheaper than going to a professional!
How much do I LOVE the Jane Austen action figure?! She would join the formidable company of the Beatles circa Yellow Submarine and various WWE characters.
oh Lordy, Lord, Lord, a MrT keychain? what has the world is coming to…. mercy, mercy. I’ll opt for the Einstein Lava Lamp then. cheers!
i’m canadian, i didn’t see anything specific for canadian readers???
i do like jane austen, but i don’t have a darcy tree, so that won’t work.
cash works for me:)
Don’t laugh, but my dad is totally getting the Jane Austen Action Figure to go with the Jane Austen finger puppet he got for his last birthday.
I already have the Great American Drinkers shot glass set, but sadly, I shattered W.C. Fields. I’ve been considering getting another set, even though then I would have two each of the rest, but I figure I probably can’t ever have too many shot glasses.
I’m not kidding, by the way. I really have them.
Can you use a magnifying glass with that natural sunlight lamp to burn ants? I find that whenever I’m depressed, causing insects great pain and ruination picks me up a little.
Literary shot glasses here.
Glad you started to get laid at least.
I already have the civil liberties mug. I got it as a gift from a conservative friend. I think that it can go both ways…
Sounds like fun – I could use some wacky intellectual sunlight to beat those winter doldrums!
When I first saw the My Analyst Magic Therapy Ball, I thought for sure it said Anal lust. I saw the picture of the bearded guy prone on a couch, and I started to feel faint. That nice Jewish blogger-mench Neil, getting all his blog friends butt plugs for the holidays? Then that high-spirited romp with your French neighbor left me spent and gasping. And that, Neil, was the greatest gift of all.
Enticing Parisian boffin babes into lusty shenanigans is a selling point for any damn product, fire or no fire. I’m gonna get me a lamp.
Oh Neil you don’t have to buy us anything…letting us read your witty words of wisdom is gift enough.
If only there was a Mary Shelley action figure to, then I could get some 3 way action going with Jane Austen and Mary and me.
I’ve outgrown Legos, by the way.
I want a Mr. T keychain, too!!! And do they have a Marie Curie doll, including a sample of Radium? Or how about an Alexander Fleming doll, complete with petri dish? Maybe a Louis Pasteur action figure? Hmmm…
Dang, my ~wish list~ just got a few items longer.
I’d actually like to have one of those mugs. I might just get some for my conservative friends out there
Neil, you are such an inspiration and example of “giving” during the holidays. Your mom must be so proud to read how you reached out to your neighbor, who was less fortunate, without so much as a bowl of cheerios to eat. Thank you for teaching us the true meaning of Christmas.
Thx Neil i’m so honored to be among your guests ! And i’ll better wipe out the story of the stripper, doesn’t suit the mood… 🙂
I’m sure this is already on your list for Sophia but your right-wing readers won’t want to miss the Talking Ann Coulter Action Figure that spews 14 separate insults to liberals. I’m hoping I’ll get a Sarcastic Ball in my stocking (to replace the one in my head).
Sad news for your anti-Semitic readers: an Ohio toy company has discontinued production of its Nazi SS Action Figures but there’s still time to order an ample supply of crematorium fridge magnets and “Arbeit Macht Frei” key rings for the holidays. OY!
Neil – you rock! Thanks for the laugh! Work has been hell this week. I’ll consider this post my christmas present.
She’s a fraud, Neilochka, have no regrets.
“100% CRI being full spectrum fluorescent” indeed! Incandescent, you impostor, incandescent, you dummie. Incandescent, as in purest fresh-snow sunny morning all-colors-present daylight.
Also: go quick and salvage the remnants of the lamp from the garbage pile. Didn’t you say you have a 1 year-warranty? For someone so frugal it’s a bit strange to throw a prefectly refundable merchandise to the dogs!
I have come to the conclusion that you are rich beyond measure since surely Hollywood would bestow tremendous financial reward on such a gifted writer.
I was slightly disappointed with the absence of a wacky intellectual gift for a conservative. I suppose that is because most liberals don’t feel we are at all intellectual, but certainly we qualify as wacky. And I am a Southern conservative to boot so I am sure you could find a possum clock or something to fit my needs.
Whoa! That’s some story. Who knew Albert Einstein and Jane Austen dolls could, somehow, lead to an erotic romp rife with intellectual conversation, dancing flames and running naked men? It’s like that old cause-and-effect story about how the butterfly that lost the king his kingdom. Know which one I’m talking about? Sure you do. No? Ok, nevermind.
Uh, just a note to all my French friends. Some of my best friends are French and you’re not all cowards. In fact, French fries and French toast are two of my favorite foods. I love you all!
I totally want the Jane Austin action figure but am curious as to whether or not they have Mary Shelley and George Elliot…no point in having only part of a collection, is there?
Pervert. I can’t believe you’d put such filth on the internet! Fucking like two light waves indeed…
Thank you for showing us the Jane Austin doll…now my Christmas shopping is all finished!
I have been wanting one of those Mr. T things for awhile. When would it NOT be appropriate to press a button and hear, “Don’t gimme no back talk, sucka!”
You should also look at http://www.thinkgeek.com
I am still laughing at that damn Ann Coulter Doll and the Pregnant Trailer Park Trash doll as well.
Neil I have to admit I was laughing so hard at the sex scene I nearly peed my pants. Thanks for the laugh I was missing. Sorry I haven’t been by in a while. Finals week.. Its kicking my tuchas
A Jane Austen action figure?
That’s just ALL kinds of wrong!
Oh yes, I gotta get me an Ann Coulter doll. I’d put her right between my Jesus Christ and Sigmund Freud action figures.
Thanks for the great ideas!
I saw those action figures on the writers store website.
Maybe you just need a bigger natural sunlight lamp, or one with a heftier base. Then it wouldn’t fall over if it got humped… er, bumped.
I want the MR. T. toy.
intellectual gifts are just too much for some people! like my friends.
I bought the “Hamlet” fingerpuppets when I was in Stratford-upon-Avon this summer. I’d mention the “Out, Out Damn Spot” eraser, too, but I’ll refrain for fear of making you insane with jealousy.
Ah ah….a bottle of Denial! Maybe I should order a case of that stuff. lol
I hope you removed the 75% off sticker from your penis before the fire department showed up.
Screeeeeeeaaaaaam!!! lol! 🙂 Ever soooo hilariously sinfully funny!!! You got some imagination Neil!!!
I want the MR. T. toy. ok!
Fitena, your comment made my day. To say something I did was “sinful” — no one’s ever said that to me before. I need to get a t-shirt that reads that, I’m so excited.
Holiday gifts AND porn? What a great post!!
You mean they are not coming out with the Neilochka & Barbie dolls this year for X’mas?? You know the battery operated one with remote control where u can operate Neilochka doll undoing Barbie’s bra…??!! No?
BTW, I dare you to do one post where you actually get to finish what you started with a lady!! Just one, and I’ll never ask again, promise.
Is the Ann Coulter doll anatomically correct?
Dude, you so need to get some.
Neil, how does it feel to be a blog god?
I don’t know, Neil. This post was a little anti-climactic for me for some reason.
Pssst… There’s a southern conservative up there. Nobody tell him and we’ll all just sneak out when he’s not looking and go to the next post. Ready?
A liberal action figure that waffles in the midst of a battle