Recently, I’ve noticed that unattached women — strangers — have been friendly to me, even initiating conversations. These strange occurrences have taken place in a Starbucks, a supermarket, and even a crowded Century City elevator. What I couldn’t figure out was — why was I suddenly so much more attractive to women? I haven’t done much of interest lately to make my personality ooze with confidence. I’ve been driving the same Honda Civic for several years now, and no one has pimped my ride. I didn’t have an Extreme Makeover either. I asked my friend, Martha. She said the reason was obvious. I had started to wear a pink breast cancer awareness bracelet on my wrist. When women see it, they know I’m a sensitive guy who cares about women’s issues, and they feel safe with me. Duh…
Wow, I thought. I really do care about finding a cure for breast cancer. But if it can also help me meet some hot babes, what’s wrong with that?
I told this to my friend Rob. He works at Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena. He was not impressed. As a scientist, he found this system for meeting women to be too random. Men do not just want to talk to any woman in the elevator. Men want to meet their “matching personality type,” he said, using the terminology of the eHarmony site he’s been throwing his money away on.
Luckily for Rob, and all other men out there, I discovered that there are literally a hundred different color awareness bracelets for sale, each representing a different illness, political affiliation, or public opinion — from liver disease to pro-choice. This greatly expands the possibility of finding the right woman using this “awareness bracelet color technique.”
For instance, maybe you have the hots for that cute librarian who has a picture on her desk of her six cats, three dogs, and five rabbits. She’s never noticed you at all. No problem! Next time you’re at the library, why not return your books while wearing a purple bracelet (purple symbolizing anti-animal abuse). You don’t like it when little animals get hurt, do you? I bet you’ll catch her eye this time!
How about that brainy law student from Brooklyn who sneezes every time you bring up your love of camping in Yosemite? Bingo! Win her heart with a gray bracelet (gray: help allergy sufferers!)
Some other women you might want to woo:
The feisty independent filmmaker, hates Bush and big American corporations (brown bracelet for anti-tobacco).
The moody singer-songwriter who writes sad songs about her childhood (green for childhood depression).
The exotic fashion model who’s part Cherokee, part African-American, part Jewish, and part Turkish. (orange for cultural diversity).
The talented, but oh-so-thin actress who only picks at her salad. (light blue for eating disorder).
Your nephew’s second grade teacher who looks like Catherine Zeta-Jones. (blue for education).
That funny Latina comedienne from the gym, whose younger brother is in prison. (black for gang prevention).
The Honda Hybrid salesgirl from the apartment next door who you hear having sex all the time and who once scolded you about not recycling. (green for environmental).
Who said that promoting a good cause can’t bring its own rewards?!