Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: astrology

Wanted: A Hot Scorpio Woman

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I’m a man of science, so astrology, like tarot card reading and mind-reading, is just pure nonsense to me.  Is there anyone out there who believes in astrology?  Don’t be shy.  I’m open-minded.  Maybe you can explain how it all works — why your birth date and the way the solar system is on that particular day, has any bearing on your personality.

Usually, I write my Tuesday post on Monday night.  Tuesday is the biggest day of the week for me in blogland.  For some reason, I get the most traffic on Tuesday, so I always try to prepare the most entertaining and heart-wrenching post for all of my dear readers.

Just as I was about to start writing, I got a phone call from Sophia.  She was coming over and going to stay the night.  Now, this is an extremely unlikely situation.  Whenever we have some event planned, I always go over to her house.  So, this was a big treat.  I rushed around my apartment, washing my dishes, changing the sheets, and washing some towels. 

Of course this posed a dilemma:  Do I write my important Tuesday post for a bunch of dumb strangers or pay attention to Sophia, a real live gorgeous woman?  (by the way, I decided to like boobs again)

So much of our relationship works, and so much doesn’t.   Sometimes I think it is our "love signs" that are working against us.  In fact, once we were in Borders and we looked inside some huge book titled exactly that —  "Love Signs."  We looked up the compatibility of Pisces (me) and Aquarius (Sophia).  The author wrote something like this:

"No self-respecting astrologer would wish this romantic arrangement, even on their worst enemy.  Your emotional rhythms and temperaments are rather different. Pisces is gentle, non-competitive, somewhat passive and has a need to get away from it all on a regular basis. Aquarius, on the other hand, needs involvement in the world and the flow of contemporary life.  This is NOT a match made in heaven."

We didn’t fare much better in Chinese astrology.  One book suggested that Sophia should be in a cool room and should sleep facing north, while I need a warm room and must sleep facing south. 

The scary thing is that many of these details about our relationship rang true.

I’ve been looking at some astrological websites today, trying to learn more about this subject.  It is not good news for Sophia and me.  Romantic-tips.com had this to say:

PISCES & AQUARIUS: – This is not the best union. The Water-bearer is far too cool and detached for you. Your tears and tantrums will soon tire the Aquarius.

AQUARIUS & PISCES: – This is a pretty dicey combination. The Fish’s emotional blackmail only drives you further away. The Pisces is likely to end up hurt and confused.

Uh-oh.

Maybe it’s time to just accept the logic of the stars.  Maybe it’s time to focus on finding a woman who is better suited for me. 

Yes.  What I am really looking for is a SCORPIO.

PISCES & SCORPIO: – This is a highly sexual union. You love to be possessed and cared for with the deep, warm affection that the Scorpion can provide. Truly a match made in heaven.

Are any of you Scorpios out there?  Because if you are, we need to talk, immediately.

Here’s how I would get along with the rest of you.

PISCES & ARIES: – You are far too sensitive for the aggressive Ram. You will be left behind to drown in your sorrows. An unfortunate match.

PISCES & TAURUS: – This is not a bad connection, however the Bull can get upset with your impractical nature. You, on the other hand, may find that the Bull is too stubborn.

PISCES & GEMINI: – Your emotional blackmail will usually hold a Gemini, however sorrow almost always prevails. A very destructive union for both parties involved.

PISCES & CANCER: – You belong together. You are both sensitive, weepy and love to dwell in self-pity. This is a great match, certainly lasting, however someone negative and moody.

PISCES & LEO: – You are doomed in this alliance. The Lion is too outgoing and you are far too sensitive. A hurtful relationship with little substance.

PISCES & VIRGO: – This is your polar attraction. It can be extremely perverse in the bedroom, but difficult at a mental level. You are impractical and this will really try the Virgoans patience.

PISCES & LIBRA: – You are both creatively inclined, however you are just not sophisticated enough for the Scales. Librans also have trouble putting up with your emotional whims.

PISCES & SCORPIO: – This is a highly sexual union. You love to be possessed and cared for with the deep, warm affection that the Scorpion can provide. Truly a match made in heaven.

PISCES & SAGITTARIUS: – This is not your best alliance as the Archer’s non-committal nature will hurt your tender heart. Your daily melodramas will drive the Sagittarius away.

PISCES & CAPRICORN: – This is not a bad combo in general however, you will probably run around on the Goat due to loneliness. You are also too wasteful for the Capricorn to deal with.

PISCES & AQUARIUS: – This is not the best union. The Water-bearer is far too cool and detached for you. Your tears and tantrums will soon tire the Aquarius.

PISCES & PISCES: – This is an emotional connection. Extremely good in the bedroom, but difficult out of the bedroom. You both crave attention and affection yet you want to do your own thing. Exhausting but exciting.

Here is the full list of all zodiac signs and their compatibility.  It is very important that you see where you stand with your spouse or lover.    This is a very classy and legitimate website, as you can tell from the tons of advertisements blinking in your face.  After you read about the state of your zodiac love connection, some of you may want to leave your spouse NOW before it is too late.

Not to be unfair, I looked up Sophia, and according to the stars, she should be looking for an Aries for a relationship (hopefully a rich one) and a Sagittarius for sex.

Very Superstitious, Writing’s On the Wall

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Despite my love for the arts, I have more respect for science.  It will be science that will eventually find a cure for cancer, not the latest novel by Nick Hornby.   Yesterday, I stepped into San Diego’s science museum in Balboa Park.  They had all these cool hands-on exhibits for kids.  Most interesting was a new exhibit about pendulums.  I really didn’t understand what was going on scientifically, although some smart-ass kid tried to explain it to me.  I ended up pushing him away so I could play with the pendulums myself.  Was I ever like this annoying kid? 

I hate when politicians get involved in science.  You rarely hear me talk about politics, mostly because I find both Democratic and Republican women sexy, so I like to play it safe (although I’ve never dated an Independent and I’ve always wanted to).  The only thing that really gets my goat is when religious nutcases want to teach "Creationism" in public schools.  Another insanity is not wanting to use stem cells for scientific research. 

In case I’m making my liberal pals too happy, I disagree with those PETA nuts who don’t want us to do science experiments on rats.  Yeah, I’ve seen Planet of the Apes.  I know what the future holds for us — the animals rule. But rats are rats!

Because I believe in science, I don’t believe in superstitions.  Sophia thinks our relationship may have had problems because I’m a Pisces and we’re supposedly not compatible in some book called "Love Signs."   I’m not afraid of black cats, broken mirrors, or staying on the 13th floor.  Sophia and I were married on October 13th (uh-oh).

Sophia’s Russian family introduced me to a whole new set of weird superstitions.  If anyone leaves the house, and then immediately goes back in because they forgot something — you have to go look in the mirror before you go out again.  Maybe Tatyana can explain this one to me.  In the beginning, I refused to get involved in this weird superstition, but then I realized that her family would not go out with me if I didn’t look at myself in the mirror.  So, I never forget things at home when I’m with them.

The only superstition that I seem to have an irrational fear of is walking under a ladder.  A couple of days ago I was in Borders bookstore and I was standing near one of those rolling ladders they use to climb up to get a book on a top shelf.  I wanted to go past it in order to grab a book.  I could have easily walked under it, but I caved in and slid the ladder all the way down to the other side.  Why tempt the fates and walk under the ladder.  Who knows?  Maybe just then, 1000 copies of James Joyce’s "Ulysses" would have fallen on my head, crushing me.

Hopefully, I’ll be back in Los Angeles on Saturday, knock on wood.

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