Category: Sex (Page 9 of 9)

If It Takes Nine Months…

July 24, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 19 Comments

Three of my new online friends all have birthdays this weekend — Hilary, M.A., and Tatyana. Is that just a weird coincidence? I think not. July babies are very popular.

I just did the reverse 9-month arithmetic in my head — July back to October — back to the moment when each set of parents finished their bottle of wine and headed upstairs earlier than usual. There must be something in the brisk Fall air that spells romance and the urge for mating. I’m always looking for an advantage in the dating game. Is it possible that the leaves changing color make women horny?

Let me mark this on my calendar:

I will most likely find a woman who wants to take me back to her apartment and repeatedly have her way with me — sometime between Yom Kippur and Halloween.

Let’s hurry up and finish summer already and move into October!

Happy b-day — all three of you!

My Menage A Trois

July 5, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 34 Comments

I’m not sure if Sophia and I will ever get back together, but I don’t regret being married to her at all. I learned so much about women by being married to one.

Last night, I was watching one of those awful R-rated movies they show on Cinemax at midnight — the ones that are more boring than titillating. Towards the end of the movie, one of the male characters ends up in bed with two beautiful (but very fake-boobed) women. My mind drifted from the cheesy sex scene to my own thoughts. I said to myself:

"A menage a trois is the fantasy of a man before marriage. Sure, I used to have these fantasies. My fantasies were as diverse as Los Angeles. I used to see myself in bed with a white woman, a black woman, an Asian woman, and a Latina — all at the same time. But now I realize the absurdity of the whole menage a trois fantasy."

Why? First of all, it’s difficult enough making one woman happy in bed. But two? I’d have to be working out in the gym five times a week just to have enough stamina!

And what exactly are you supposed to do with Connie while you’re having sex with Sarah — talking about the latest episode of "Beauty and the Geek"?

And I know how women think. You’ll be doing something interesting with one woman and the other woman is going to get pissed.

Sarah: "You’ve been giving her oral sex for fifteen minutes, but I only get ten? What am I — chopped liver? I know what the problem is. You think I’m too fat."

Me: No. No. Of course not.

Sarah: You like her better because she’s a skinny bitch. I see how you look at her thighs. I’m sorry mine are so fat.

Me: They aren’t fat. I love your thighs, exactly how they are.

Sarah: Liar! I hate you! I hate you!

Sarah ends up throwing something at me. That’s certainly going to ruin the mood. And think of all the complications the next morning. I’m not just talking about all three of us going to Farmer’s Market for breakfast.

Me: I’ll call you later, Sarah. I’ll call you later, Connie.

Connie: And who are you going to call first?

Me: I’ll call you Sarah at 3. I’ll call you Connie at 4.

Connie: I see. You’re calling her first because she has bigger tits than me. Well, I’m sorry I’m flat! I hate you! I hate you!

Connie ends up throwing something at me.

Men, drop this menage a trois fantasy. In reality, it would be more trouble than you realize.

Russian Porn: First We Shovel Snow

June 2, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 3 Comments

Every once in a while, I accidentally find myself on a website where there are photos of women undressing.Â Normally, I would quickly click away, but sometimes I stay for the articles, oops, I meant – for sociological reasons.Â You can learn a lot about other cultures.

For instance, here in America, women frequently fantasize about the sexy “pool boy” or gardener, such as the character played by Jesse Metcalf in Desperate Housewives.

In the upper regions of Siberia, men must be fantasizing about the sexy female snow shoveler.

(“Can I shovel your driveway?”)

(“It’s freezing in here…Â you mean
there’s no heat?)

(“No problem.Â I’m already hot from all
that snow shoveling”)

(“The smell of this fake leather chair
makes me hungry for Mama’s borscht.”

(“But first let meÂ change intoÂ a pair of
snowpants and shovel some more
snow.”)

Drug for Premature Ejaculation

May 24, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 7 Comments

Concluding a sex-filled posting day with some interesting medical news —

A new drug manufactured by Johnson & Johnson designed to help men with treatment for premature ejaculation has passed its first test. The Wall Street Journal reported on Tuesday that a major study presented during the American Urological Association annual meeting in San Antonio suggested the drug dapoxetine could help men suffering from premature ejaculation by delaying orgasm.

The drug supposedly helped men to increase their ejaculation time significantly — from less than one minute to more than three minutes! Can there be nothing that medical science cannot solve with a pill? Couples everywhere can now live it up for another two minutes.

Writing in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, the researchers said they timed ejaculations by giving stopwatches to the sex partners of more than 1,500 men.

Did they ever think that maybe all this premature ejaculation was occurring to these poor men because their partners were in bed holding stopwatches? You try it.

We are the World Sex Survey

May 4, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 5 Comments

Every year, Durex, the condom maker, puts out a "global sex survey." It makes for some interesting (and weird) reading.

Did you know that people around the world have had an average of 10.5 sexual partners? Americans average out at 10.3. The Vietnamese have the least at 2.5 partners. The winners – the Chinese, with an average of 19.3 partners. Now when I see a Chinese restaurant menu that says "order one dish from column A, one dish from column B," my thoughts will go way beyond ordering food.

The Italians reach the most orgasms — 61% of the time. The Chinese reach orgasm only 19% of the time. What do they expect — they never stay in one bed long enough to finish things through!

Americans reach orgasm 39% of the time.

If you want a partner that rarely fakes an orgasm, go with a Macedonian or Serbian Montenegrin, who are the most satisfied — at 82% of the time. Unfortunately, my "Google" search for "meet Macedonian women in Los Angeles" was not very successful.

Not unsurprisingly, The French have the most sex — 137 times a year. The Japanese only have sex 46 times a year, giving them a lot of time to build really good cars.

Americans and Israelis tie at having sex 111 times a year, proving the Arab media right when they say the fascist Americans and Zionists are in bed together.

The most moronic category is the world’s sexiest female and male celebrity. Angelina Jolie is the world’s favorite. Bah, humbug.

Let me bring up the Israelis again. What is with you guys — picking Angelina by a whopping 43%, the biggest margin worldwide. Is it because her father, Jon Voight, dances with the rabbis during the Chabad telethon? (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, forget it)

Japan loves Cameron Diaz at 23 %. As for male celebrities, Brad Pitt is pretty much the world’s sexiest man, except for in India, who are gaga for Tom Cruise at 26%.

Note to Tom: for your honeymoon with Katie (we hope!), why not New Delhi? They love you there.