I’ve been feeling a little depressed lately, so last week, I decided to go see a therapist. I read about a new therapy office that recently opened, and it was getting a lot of publicity, so I decided to take the bus over there for a meet-and-greet.
The waiting room was well-appointed, although the magazine selection was rather odd – Highlights for Homeschooled Christian Children, Modern Church Decor, Good Housekeeping, and issues of Playboys from 1968.
After a brief wait, I was called in, where I sat in a hard leather chair across from the therapist, a dapper young gentleman in his early thirties. His name was Dr. Josephs. We exchanged a few pleasantries.
Now, I should tell you that at the time of this visit, I didn’t know much about this “Bachmann & Associates” clinic (read more here), other than it being a therapy office owned by presidential candidate Rep. Michele Bachmann and her husband Marcus. I hadn’t been listening to the news much, too busy trying to decipher the new Google+ social media app. But it didn’t take me long to realize that this clinic had a unique method of therapy —
“So, tell me, Neil,” said the kind-faced Dr. Josephs, “What seems to be bothering you?”
“I feel out of lately.” I replied, rather sadly. “Like I’m not my true self. I can’t motivate myself. I just want to sit in bed all day, mope, and eat Doritos.”
“You realize that God created our eyes so we can enjoy the bodies of beautiful women.”
“Huh? Well, uh, yeah. I guess so. Anyway, I’m very confused about the direction of my life…”
“I assume you like women and their bodies, no? Like in photographs of beautiful women?”
“Wait a minute. Have you been looking at my instagram photos?”
“I see. Do you also like taking photos of men?”
“Sometimes. But anyway, I like to say I am a “writer,” but what does that really mean if I don’t feel successful…”
“Perhaps your feelings of depression come from your inner self’s own disgust at your abomination with your photographs.”
“Oh man, not again. I’m not going to ask for permission every time I take every photo!”
“Have you read the Bible? The Christian Bible?”
I’ve read the Bible. But I’m not really sure what this has to do with my depression. And I’m Jewish. Maybe that has something to do with the guilty feelings about my marriage…”
“You’re Jewish?! And you take photos of men masturbating!”
“What are you talking about? I never said I take pictures of men masturbating. I’m talking about my marriage and the anxiety over my future…”
“But you do think about men when you masturbate? Right? Young. hunky men, with hairless chests and arms of steel?”
“Is this what they call cognitive therapy?”
“Do you find any men attractive?”
“Well, I don’t know. I used to think Denzel Washington was attractive. And Mel Gibson, before… you know, he turned out to be a jerk.”
“Attractive as in you would love to feel their bodies next to yours?”
“Nah. Just that they were in good shape. Made me want to do push-ups.”
“Have you ever slept with a black man?”
“I’ve never slept with any man.”
“OK, once in college, I shared a bed in Las Vegas with a friend because there were five of us in the room and it was disgusting because he farted all night.”
“Homosexuality is a crime against nature. You must stop being gay. You must be cured. Stop it! Stop it! Stop being gay!”
“I’m not gay!”
“Praise the Lord. My therapy worked. That will be $300. Please pay on the way out. Thank you.”
It is a week later. While the methods of therapy at this clinic were untraditional, I do feel a lot more happier, so I can definitely recommend Bachmann and Associates for all of your therapy needs.
Truth Quotient to Avoid Lawsuit: 5% (the instagram and the need for therapy)