I am furious at Walmart. Livid. Let me explain.
I’m not having an easy time lately. I’m like a wounded animal away from Sophia. Yesterday, I went to the dentist, and arrived too early, so I had to sit in the waiting room for an hour and read the office’s collection of Cosmo magazines.
The trouble began with the hygienist, Natalya (another Russian chick! what is it with these Russian women?!). As she cleared my plaque, I looked into her eyes, which wasn’t difficult since the rest of her face was covered with a gauze-like mask, so I could ONLY see her eyes, and as I gazed into those watery pools of Russian soul, I wondered if she had read the same Cosmo that I just had in the waiting room.
“I wonder if her va-jay-jay is as untamed as the Siberian forest?” I said to myself.
During my wait for her, I perused much more than this one article. I also enjoyed a tutorial on how to best make love on your washing machine.
Coincidentally, washing machines had been on my mind lately, ever since I went to this mommyblogger-type Whirlpool-Maytag luncheon in Manhattan two weeks ago (I was invited! Why?!) , which I completely forgot to blog about until now.
One of the highlights of the afternoon was seeing this $2000 Whirpool washer that came with an included USB cord in the back (Twitter during the wash?). Imagine the kinky stuff you could do with the Cosmo washing machine sex technique in combination with the USB cord. I can only imagine what is going to be on Facebook in the future.
Before you get too upset with me with the direction of this post, let me assure you that my mind is not only filled with lurid fantasies about unshaven pussies and front loading washers, although there is some funny double entendre there somewhere.
No, I also think about love. I miss being in love. Playing cards with Sophia. Even fighting over doing the dishes. But I need to be careful not to fall in love again too quickly. But that will come. I will be patient. I look to the future with optimism. I don’t need to rush. There are always women out there for me. Wonderful women. Despite my many insecurities, I feel confident that I could effectively compete with the other men out there looking for the same thing. I understand the concept of the survival of the fittest. Like a peacock, I am readying my multi-colored plume.
And now to Walmart. It’s simple.
The management consists of a bunch of selfish pricks. I just read this today — Walmart is starting to stock a dopey religious-oriented book which allegedly cures gays from their homosexuality.
What the f*ck is wrong with you people? I know who you are, Walmart management. You are suburban white men, married with children, living in nice white-picketed homes. But what about me? Clearly you forgot what it is like to be single, trying to pick up a Marissa Tomei look-alike in a short skirt at the Museum of Modern Art cafeteria during the Matisse exhibit on a Sunday afternoon, not that I would know anything about that first hand!
You ever hear of UNFAIR COMPETITION? Do you think a guy like me has any freakin’ chance with a really SMOKING HOT BABE, when she can go out INSTEAD with a cultured good-looking guy who likes to cook, clean, decorate the house — and has great six-pack-abs to boot — YES, I’m talking about the formerly gay guy who has turned straight after reading your book!
I SAY — KEEP THOSE F**KING gay dudes GAY! Who needs those arrogant assholes with their designer clothes and references to classic American musicals vying for the same women as us, clueless straight guys? It’s like the New York Yankees playing the New York Mets! We have no chance in hell to win the game. Especially in a city like New York. They even have nicer apartments! Give these gay guys the skill — and worse — THE URGE — to f*ck our women, and the rest of us might as well just kill ourselves.
STOP WALMART FROM TRYING TO CURE GAY MEN. We do NOT want them competing for our women! Vote now! Please, share this on Twitter and Facebook. Change your avatar to Dark Blue. Wear Dark Blue tomorrow. Wear Dark Blue to Help Us Protect Straight Men from Gay Men Turned Straight.
Disclaimer: This message has been approved by Straight Men of America Afraid that the Hot Chicks Might Like the Gay Dudes Better Than Us if They Were Cured of Their Homosexuality!