Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Happy Birthday, Tanis!

It’s a story as old as Adam and Eve. A man and woman accidentally bump into each other in a garden. They have no idea who the other is. She calls him a douche. He calls her a “retard.” She lectures him for weeks for being an ignorant asshole. He accuses her of using her “tits” for attention, and insists that Schmutzie should have won as the Best Canadian Blogger, not her. She says he is a “momma’s boy” who needs to get laid, even though she assumes his “dick” is the size of a thimble. He says she is a “small-town girl” who uses a tractor as her main source of transportation. She again insults the size of his dick, and broadcasts it on Twitter. He questions her authenticity, calling her online persona a “fake brand.” She promises to attend his session on writing at BlogHer, but attends the one with the Bloggess instead. He dubs her as the “manipulative popular sob story writer from the boonies who can’t even color her own pubic hair correctly.” She says he is a needy neurotic suck-up to women online. He calls her a flirt, using men’s attention to mask her insecurity.

And then something happens. The man wakes up one day and realizes that this woman he hated the most in the world, his ultimate nemesis, — well, he didn’t really hate her at all. In fact, he LOVED HER! She was real and intelligent and funny and talented and caring, and he “related” to her outlook on life.

I have no idea how it happened, but I have turned to Tanis, the Redneck Mommy, more times this year than I would have hoped, and she was always there with her special humor and wisdom. And I don’t think I’ve ever met a more dedicated mother, wife and friend to others… ever. Just don’t cross her.

Sure, blogging is about writing. And sometimes you get 30,000 views in one day when you write about breastfeeding. But as you can see, it never lasts very long.

It is the people you meet along the way that really matter.

Happy Birthday, Tanis.

By the way, I already saw that Avitable wrote you a birthday post, too. I’m sure Backpacking Dad is next.

Flirt.

17 Comments

  1. Dude, way to put the pressure on me. Asshole.

    Fuck.

    No, I’m not going to. My blog is only for very important grammar issues now. To hell with community and friends.

  2. Aw! When Tanis calls you a douche, you know she’s your friend. Consider yourself a lucky man.

    Happy birthday, T!

  3. Aw, you really are my favourite twitter douche.

    Thanks Neil.

    And it doesn’t matter what anyone else writes for my birthday, I’ve only got eyes for your words.

    Heh.

  4. FLIRT!!!
    Suck-up!
    Momma’s Boy!
    Mommy Blogger!!!
    Man whore!

  5. If this isn’t love, I don’t know what is.

  6. Nice. Nicely done. A complete turnaround, eh?

  7. I’ve been very remiss in commenting on lots of blogs lately (yours and Tanis’ included). She’s a really cool person, nice of you to put a little shout out for her. Happy Birthday Tanis!

  8. I love it! Happy Birthday Tanis!

    —you do realize other people have birthdays too, Neil? When’s YOUR birthday? 😉

  9. Your romance with Tanis is actually quite moving and fun for the rest of us voyeurs to overhear. (Or, over-read?) Honestly, I have little tiny crushes on both of you.

  10. Aw, you guys are adorable. I love it when the twitter-sparring is afoot!

  11. No one ever writes me a birthday post. You could be the only one next year. July 24. Just sayin’.

  12. They do say that love and hate are just two sides of a chocolate coin

  13. I’m (obviously) late to the party, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY TANIS! 🙂

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