the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Too Small, Too Big, Just Right

bears

“Does your wife or girlfriend think you are too “big,” too “small,” or “just right” in the bedroom?” asked the dude with the glasses, trendy t-shirt, beard, and clipboard.

I had just left the 42nd Street Library and was walking down the street, passing the headquarters of a major pay-channel cable network.

“Huh?” I asked.  I’m used to tourists asking for directions to the Empire State Building, but never this.

“I’m with the show “Honest Sex Stories” and we’re interviewing people today in the street.  You can be on TV!”

I noticed a cameraman and soundman lurking in the background, in front of the “Hearty Soup” cafe.

“You want me to talk about my penis size on TV?”

He assured me that the show gets a large audience, and has been nominated for an Emmy.

I know that it is everyone’s dream of being on TV.  We all want Oprah’s job when she leaves.  I read tweets about mommybloggers on CNN.  Redneck Mommy is now on Canadian TV every week!  I would love to feel special too, but do I really want this to be my opening act on the small screen?

Twitter January 2010

@RT Neilochka – hey, gang, watch me on Honest Sex Stories tonight where I talk about my penis size!

As a professional blogger, I decided to talk to this “street interviewer” as a peer, an equal.  After all, as the master of ceremonies of the Great Interview Experiment, I know a little bit about interviewing myself, and I didn’t want him to just think of me as some dumb schlub he just picked up off the street.

“So, how many people have you interviewed already?”

“We’re just starting the process.”

I wanted to show him how sharp I was with my knowledge.

“You realize that you’re NOT going to get too many men admitting that they are “too small.”  If anything, you are going to get guys insisting that they are “too big.”

“We know that already.  That’s why we’re interviewing women too.”

“A-ha.”

I thought about this for a second.  What would I do with this footage if I was trying to be “entertaining” on some cable sex show?

“So, basically, you’re going to intercut men saying they’re too big with the women saying they’re too small?”

“Something like that.”

“So, whatever I would say right now, doesn’t really matter.  You could edit me in with some woman saying, “He has the smallest dick in the world,” and the audience will think she is talking about me.”

“That’s unlikely, but it is up to the director and video editors.  They’ll be some paperwork that you’ll need to sign before…”

“So, tell me again.  Why would I want to do this?”

“You’ll be on TV!”

“What’s your dick size?” I asked.

“What?”

“You work for a sex show.  Surely you know your own dick size.”

“Average.  A little more.  About six inches, I guess”

“Great.  Can I take a photo of you right now with my iPhone?”

“Why would you do that?”

“I run a blog called Citizen of the Month.  I’d like to write a post about you, telling my readers about your dick size.  Would that be OK with you? I get a lot of readers!  This would be a great opportunity for you!”

48 Comments

  1. Finn

    Was this for HBO’a “Real Sex”? I love that show!

    Of course now you just screwed it up and they’ll never put you on and I’ll never get to find out how big your dick is. *sigh*

  2. kristin

    Bwahahahaha

    oh, I so wish I lived in NYC

  3. Tatiana

    Your response to him was awesome. I wonder if, after you walked away, he was like “I bet that guy has a small dick.”

  4. Marinka

    Fabulous! next time, ask him about his mangina.

  5. Unfocused Me

    I’m shocked that there’s no photo — you mean he said no?

  6. Neil

    Finn. Yes. HBO HQ is across from the library.

  7. WackyMummy

    I’m surprised he didn’t jump at the chance for fame! ROFLMAO

  8. Camille

    Hahaha, awesome! I wish I could be so clever when accosted on the street.

    Funny, I could have been sitting right next to you at the NYPL and we’d never have known it.

  9. Chris

    You’re smart. Very, very smart.

  10. kimberlee

    first there was Mr. Big…and then came Mr. Too Big! le sigh.

  11. momtrolfreak

    ohmygah. i love this.

  12. Quadelle

    Hilarious! Wish I was there to see it in person.

  13. Mik

    You should have mentioned your penis occasionally guests posts on your blog!

  14. mamie

    so, where is the picture? i take it he did not want to post one up to your blog.

    i wish cable would create a channel dedicated to on street questions like jay leno’s ‘jaywalking’. who cares about penis size, i think it is much more important to illustrate that some people in the world think that australia borders the u.s. (i am not kidding, a guy gave that answer once).

  15. Sarcastic Mom

    BAHAHAHAH

    Brilliant.

  16. bon

    where’s his PICTURE?

    i like you, Neil. you’re no dummy. me, i’d have mumbled my deepest fears about being too teensy (even if, um, i’m a chick) and then kicked my ass into Tuesday later.

  17. Jayne

    Poor bastard was probably an out of work actor reduced to asking people their penis size for minimum wage. Funny comeback, Neil…

  18. iamthediva

    bwah haha hahaaa

  19. headbang8

    “As a matter of fact, young man, mine is so big it’s a hazard to shipping. I’m usually straight, but I could make an exception for an attractive young man such as yourself. Shall we adjourn to he men’s room at the nearby Seventh Day Adventist Book Centre?”

  20. Cheryl

    OMG Neil, that was the MOST perfect response ever.

    And what IS it w/ Americans clamoring to be on television, no matter what the format? Are they insane? I have NO desire whatsoever to be on telly. Especially not to discuss my BF’s penis size. Oy.

  21. kelly

    Now everything’s thinking about ‘what’s average’? Thanks for that, lol.

  22. Jane

    You could have said, “Women tell me I’m an enormous dick”. 😉

  23. JanePoet ~ JP/deb

    Way to turn it around!!

  24. kenju

    What was his answer?? That was a great comeback, Neil!

  25. Sarah

    lol!!

    good on you!

  26. Jozet at Halushki

    You can ask me about my dick size for your blog. It’s bigger since I’ve had three kids. 😉

  27. Zoeyjane

    I’m just shocked that he admitted to 6 inches, given that he could have gone with the somewhat stereotypical lie of 9. You’re a crafty one.

  28. Blaiser

    Because Eight is enough to fill our lives with love….

  29. Twenty Four At Heart

    And this is why I love you!

  30. alejna

    You are one smart cookie. Also funny. Your response was brilliant.

  31. teahouseblossom

    So…did you get on tv?

    :oP

  32. V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios

    Oh, how this made me laugh. I’m writing Web copy now for a client who trains spokespersons and celebrities how to handle the media. Big emphasis on controlling the message and the process and anticipating tough situatios and being equipped to handle them. This would be a great case study if it weren’t, um, about penises, which are not topics you want to discuss (even indirectly) with your clients.

  33. Lucy Cooper

    This reminds me of an episode of Curb your Enthusiasm. And a certain hand gesture Larry made for a woman’s large vagina.

  34. this new place

    Only in NYC.

  35. Danny

    I can so see you on “Real Sex,” they should do a feature on your blog and the first-person penis posts. Too bad you’re now banned from the show!

  36. wench

    Clever brother.

  37. amy2boys

    HA! That’s hilarious. You are tricky.

  38. SciFi Dad

    That was awesome. Did he let you take his photo?

  39. magpie

    So where’s the photo?

  40. Jill MacGregor

    That is hy-sterical!!!!
    I’m jsut picturing his face when you asked for a special pic….

  41. Heather ShakeShake

    Did I miss the twitpic?

  42. Long Story Longer

    Aren’t you clever. This made me smile 🙂

  43. BLOGitse

    WOW, what I found here!
    I came from LSL interview page and here I am.
    I’ve read couple of your postings (don’t have time for more right now) and
    I’ll follow you on twitter.
    What a treasure your blog is!
    I’ll be back.
    Have a great day,
    sunny greetings from Cairo! 🙂

  44. Lewdmilla

    Well, I just peed myself laughing. Thanks.

  45. Karen Murphy

    Am I the only one who glanced at the picture of the bears and thought they were having sex?

    Sigh.

  46. Kim @ Beautiful Wreck

    I guess he wasn’t interested in being on your blog. Damn.

  47. CD

    So where’s the photo?

  48. leah

    AWESOME.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Social media & sharing icons powered by UltimatelySocial