the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

What Type of Holiday Card Should You Send Me?

The Holiday season brings up some uncomfortable issues. Several women, both Jewish and non-Jewish women have spoken to me, unsure what type of card to send to me.  Do I only celebrate Hanukkah?  Will I be offended if I receive a Christmas card?  Is a simple “Seasons Greeting” too lame of a Holiday message?

I cannot answer these questions for every Jewish male.  Each of you will have to make your own choices.  And rather than offering any guidelines, I have come up with a few copywriting ideas for the type of seasonal cards that I find both enjoyable and appropriate.

Hanukkah Cards

I want to light your menorah, Neilochka, eight days a week.

Let’s meet at my place.  You’ll eat my latkes, and I’ll spin your dreidel.

Who needs a Christmas Tree when you have my Hanukkah bush?  See you on Saturday night!

Christmas Cards

Card-giving is much more complicated for my female friends who celebrate Christmas. You want to share your holiday with me, but knowing that I am Jewish, don’t want to make me feel uncomfortable. Here are a few non-religious Christmas cards ideas that would definitely put me in the holiday mood:

It’s Christmas.  A Day for Loving A Jewish Man.  Again and Again.

I Know You Don’t Celebrate Christmas, my dear Jewish friend, but I Would Like to Get Laid By You on New Year’s Eve

Forget Santa.  I’d Rather Have You Coming Up My Chimney.

Email me for my address. Happy Holidays!

28 Comments

  1. Kirsten/Mama Ginger Tree

    “Forget Santa. I’d Rather Have You Coming Up My Chimney.”

    That cracked me up. Maybe I’ll use that on my xmas card next year instead of “Peace, Love, Joy” I’ll give you full credit of course.

  2. 180/360

    Dear Santa,

    Please bring my friend Neil a sex life. He’s now resorted to using Latkes, Dreidels and Chimneys as sexual metaphors. Thanks!

    xoxo 180/360

  3. TorontoPearl

    Neil, don’t you want to get a Chanukah card that says something like:

    You bring the oil…to help light up my menorah.

    or:

    A big miracle happened there. (Nes gadol hayah shum.) And a big miracle can happen here, too, Neil. Can I play with your dreidel?

    or:

    Neil, you’ll always be my Rock of Ages.

  4. Hilly

    I think, with your permission, I want a make a line of cards that say, “Forget Santa. I’d Rather Have You Coming Up My Chimney.”

    Seriously, rocks.

  5. AnnieH(the other Annie)

    Cannot believe you’re not working for Hallmark. What’s up with that? Think you’ve got a real gift for the concise, emotionally superficial yet heart-felt yearnings of the human experience and the true meanings of the holidays. Rock me, Santa baby.

  6. Ginger

    Forget Santa. I’d Rather Have You Coming Up My Chimney

    That is the best greeting I’ve heard in years…wait…possibly ever! 🙂

  7. maggie, dammit

    You’re such a ho (ho ho.)

    It’s funny, I’ve seen so much talk about holiday cards around the blogosphere lately – maybe it’s because I’m a relative newbie, but it never would have occurred to me to send a card to a blog friend. An e-card, maybe, but…

    bah humbug, I guess.

  8. Dana

    You crack me up. That’s one mighty big chimney. OK, now I grossed myself out.

  9. ingrid

    “Chest and nuts, roasting… over an open whore. Jack Frost nipping at your …”

    Sorry. I got carried away.

  10. Christine

    Haha…ho ho

    I see subtle messages are not lost on you.

  11. Five Husbands

    The best spin on the Christmas/Hannuka cardtroversey yet!

  12. kapgar

    I don’t just want to light your Menorah, Neilochka, I will light all nine of those bad boys!

    Some part of me has always wanted to own a Dreidel and I don’t know why.

  13. Annie

    I have said it before, but I will say it again-You, Neil are one funny guy.
    And I feel for you, Neil, you need a date.

  14. teahouseblossom

    ROFL!!

    I’d love to send you any (or all) of those cards. Happy Hanukkah!

  15. Jozet at Halushki

    I see you missed out on the Adult XXXXMas Movie conversation on Twitter.

    Here. This is for you, Niel. From me. With luv.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xElIik0Ys0

  16. Jozet at Halushki

    Whoops. I meant NEil. I’m drunk right now. Drunk on holiday lust for you, you smooth talking non-Christian, you.

  17. Felman the Robot

    I’ve been listening in on your conversation with Dana, and what I want to know is: Do you think *I’m* a sexy geek? Awaiting your reply. -Feldy

  18. Dana

    Feldman! I’ve told you to stop commenting on my friends’ blogs. This post isn’t even about being a sexy geek. It’s about holiday cards. And you spelled your own name wrong! Who programmed you, anyway?

    (Hi Neil. Don’t mind me and my robot. We were just leaving. Hey! What about a robot holiday card?)

  19. V-Grrrl

    “There was no room at the Inn, so they slipped into the barn where she eagerly unwrapped his holiday package. Even the horses were impressed with his gift to her.”

  20. V-Grrrl

    What type of card will I send you? HANDmade.

    Send me your address, luv.

  21. vodkamom

    omg I can’t even THINK of a comeback…the post was great, and as always, the comments are just as good!
    (Forget Santa……..hahaha)

  22. Geoff

    I’m with Vodkamom. Neil, you must be paying underemployed Hollywood writers to pen these comments. If not, then your blog deserves the bloghim award for funniest comment section.

  23. churlita

    Neil, you make the holidays worth celebrating. Maybe this year we’ll all be more relaxed and in better moods afterward.

  24. TorontoPearl

    Neil, check out this item…brings you the best of both worlds!

    http://www.mcphee.com/items/11880.html

  25. Fancy

    Email me your address – I’m not sending you a card, I’m sending a woman. Hope your mom doesn’t mind!

  26. Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    Hmmm, I’m sensing a theme here and it ain’t about Christmas. Fancy may be sending you a woman, but I’m sending you another cuz it sounds like one won’t be enough!

    (and thanks for the linky love crush of the day!)

    – Margaret

  27. anymommy

    I have to jump on the bandwagon and say that the chimney one cracked me up. Thanks for the giggle. Clearly Neil is naughty and not nice.

  28. leah

    these are pretty hot, i bet there’s a market for that out there.

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