Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

They Paved Paradise

They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

But people were pissed at losing paradise.

So they paved the parking lot and planted paradise.

But people now had no place to park at paradise.

So they raised taxes, spent 6 billion dollars, and built a light-rail system to paradise.

But now any shmuck could get in, and the place was swarming with trailer-trash who took the light-rail in from the boonies, ruining the appeal of paradise.

So they privatized paradise and made it into a gated community.

And they build underground parking for the residents.

23 Comments

  1. You forgot the revolution step. This is where all the people from the boonies muck with the electronics of the gates so they are programs to close on jaguars.

  2. PocketCT — Yeah, like that will ever happen.

  3. The gates closing on the jaguars is just the beginning of the revolution.

    Eventually the folks from the boonies tear through the gates. Then they pull out their tents and sleeping bags and set up camp in paradise. And there’s some guy playing bongos.

    After a week or two, someone makes a banner declaring the place to be “Neilochka Plaza” because he’s the guy who finally unionized the professional cheerleaders.

    Someone says that there needs to be a statue or something. And there is a great deal of debate if it should be of Neil or Neil’s Penis. Neil’s Penis wins because folks always like phallic looking monuments.

    (Ummm. Yeah, it was a long day at work today.)

  4. LA just needs a decent car share that is committed to the city.

  5. The truth is the guy in the boonies just wastes all his money on lottery tickets in the hope of moving to paradise, when in reality — his money from the losing tickets is being used to maintain the subsidized underground parking at paradise.

  6. Perhaps, my favorite of your recent posts.

    I was thinking much the same thing driving thru Napa. So darn beautiful, and only for the rich…and the day tourists.

  7. Is this where you live?

    😉

  8. Oooh, when does the crime spree come into play?

  9. wait…they dug down and built a parking garage under paradise after paradise was already built? amazing.

    oh…and that gate code…try 1234#. that’s the code at every gated community i’ve ever known. original. i know.

  10. Hey, don’t steal my book idea.

  11. Of course they built underground parking; don’t you know how damaging the sun’s rays are to the finish on a $75,000 SUV????

  12. You do know I tried signing that entire post..it wasn’t very catchy..

  13. I wish I had read this post before posting my current post. I could have somehow incorporated it, I think.

  14. And then in this underground lot, someone backed into my effing car because they couldn’t figure out how to navigate those ginormous columns.

    Thanks, Neil. Thanks for bringing it all back.

  15. And then the Prius driver signaled left for paradise, made a right and wonders why everyone in paradise hates him.

  16. This entry made me feel warm and fuzzy, which may sound odd, but Joni Mitchell came from my home city, and I used to live in the townhouses across the street from her old high school. I even caught her busking on the street during a festival one day under a big hat!

  17. It happens here in funny ways. Someone was bumberstickering huge SUVs with ones that said

    “I’m changing the climate! Ask me how”

    I wish it would happen more and with that humor.

  18. Ah yes, the Troy McClure Springfield monorail debacle. : )

    Maybe if she sings “Coyote”…

  19. Just wait until they discover natural gas under the underground parking…

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