Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

How a Woman is Like a 1985 Ford Mustang

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Today, I received an email from Eddie in Ohio, who was crazy about some two year old post of mine titled Neil’s Penis’s Dating Rules for Men.    He liked it so much that he actually tried to follow these rules… in real life.   What an honor.   Sure it f**ked up his relationship with his girlfriend, and now he’s sitting home playing online poker and eating Papa John’s Pizza rather than getting laid, but at least I feel like a true inspirational role model, like a cooler and less informed Dr. Phil.

“You should write for a man’s magazine.” wrote Eddie.,

Eddie, I absolutely agree.    I’m wasting my time here on this blog writing for zilch.    You hear that — Details magazine!    If you pay me, I’m ready to start writing articles such as, “Is Being Well Hung the Key to Happiness?”

The only problem with my new career writing for the guys is that I’m not well-versed in typical male hobbies like March Madness, NASCAR, beer-drinking, or video games where you shoot the heads off of zombies.   Luckily, Google makes it easy to do all sorts of research, so I can fake it as much as anyone else.

Eddie, as a thank you for you nice email — I’ve written a men’s magazine article just for you.   Think of this blog as an online version of Maxim magazine, except without the photos of the girls in the thongs. 

How a Woman is Like a 1985 Ford Mustang

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A woman is beautiful. 

The 1985 Ford Mustang is beautiful. 

In many ways, a woman is stronger than a man. 

The 1985 Ford Mustang is equipped with low-friction roller tappets and a new high-performance camshaft that lifted the carbureted H.O. V-8 to 210 horsepower, an impressive 35-horsepower increase from the year before.

A woman is shapely, and you can play with her for hours. 

The 1985 Ford Mustang comes with beefier P225/60VR15 “Gatorback” tires on seven-inch-wide cast-aluminum wheels, both lifted from the SVO, plus variable-rate springs, gas-pressurized front shock absorbers, higher-rate rear shocks, and a thicker rear antiroll bar. A three-spoke SVO-style steering wheel freshened the interior (a running change from mid-’84), as did revised dashboard and door-panel trim and comfortable new multi-adjustable bucket seats by Lear Siegler.

Before making love to a woman for the first time, a man should remember these six important steps.

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Before driving a 1985 Ford Mustang from Los Angeles to Las Vegas in the middle of the summer, a man should remember these six important steps.

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41 Comments

  1. ummm which of those six corresponds to oral sex? Thanks for making me laugh I really need it today.

  2. “…I’m not well-versed in typical male hobbies like March Madness, NASCAR, beer-drinking, or video games where you shoot the heads off of zombies. ”

    Neil, I think I love you. 😉

  3. Neil, I’m so grateful that at least here, on your blog, a woman is respected for the unfathomable mystery that she truly is.

  4. Do I read those across or down? Either way, hilarious.

  5. neil, you hit this one out of the park (to borrow a guy sports metaphor). i hear details pays $1.50 a word, too. and i’m glad that it was a ’85 Mustang you picked — the ’86 was a lemon.

  6. I’m blowing up those steps and hanging them on my bedroom wall.

  7. Just sittin here on my high-performance camshaft dreaming of a nice ride…

  8. Wow, I never knew how much of a man I really was until reading your article. Thanks for the tips! Now I’m going to go change the fluids on my woman.

  9. Except women don’t make your hands black and greasy.

  10. I love the visual for the “6 steps”. That’s awesome, and I’ll probably never be able to look at car shops without thinking about this now. 🙂

  11. Non-Highlighted Heather

    March 28, 2008 at 7:09 am

    I was going to leave a comment, but after reading V-grrrl’s, I think I need to go have some alone time.

  12. You may be on to something here…

  13. I would submit that the six steps ought to be followed EVERY time, not just hte first time. It’s little oversights like that that can break your woman’s head gasket, if you catch my drift.

  14. Papa John’s? Ew! The only good thing about Papa John’s is the gratuitous peperoncinis and the garlic sauce that just tastes like melted butter. Tell that man to get him some real pizza!

  15. I myself am a 1961 Saab. Those older cars run a bit differently…a little slower-moving, but polished-looking and a definite collectible. Should I rev my engine for you, Neil, and prove it?

    😉

  16. Neil, sorry to report; this was one of the worst mustangs ford ever made. The 80s were a terrible time for American Car makers. Is that a Freudian slip?

  17. Another masterpiece. I don’t know why you aren’t published in one of those magazines. Although, I’m glad you aren’t because then I couldn’t/wouldn’t be reading you.

    And I agree with Tiff. Every time not just the first time.

  18. I would like to see this Ford Mustang’s boobies on Details. THAT WOULD BE A SIGHT!

  19. You make Mustangs seem so sexy. I love Tiff’s comment as well.

  20. I want a ride in your mustang… I will meet you at the shop.

    meow.

  21. I won’t follow the rules from the post Eddie followed, but I will remember the 6 steps! Thanks Neil, I just spit up my mid afternoon cornflakes for laughing so hard.

  22. How a Woman is Like a 1985 Ford Mustang..
    Both the Mustang and the woman’s top speed is 68mph. At 69 they blow a rod.

    Sorry couldn’t resist and by the way your Mustang has it’s top off.

  23. Oh my gosh, the last picture with the “six steps” made me laugh out loud. Good one, Neil!

  24. Don’t forget that you can tell about both of us by the purr of our engines.

  25. Neil, I think I love you. That is all.

  26. I’m a mini. I drive like a dream….and am fully capable of self tuning.

  27. Hahaha..

    I love the word “Lube.”

  28. LMAO@Psychomom

    Love the last visual–I’ll never look at those signs the same way again.

  29. Ditto what turnbaby said :-).

  30. This article makes me feel like I’m ready to start dating again.

  31. Is that yakety sax I hear? Benny would be proud.

  32. As a woman, I think we should only be compared to circa 1960s Mustangs … I wouldn’t even compare my grandmother (rest her soul) to a circa 1980s Mustang (although she owned own that is dangerously close to the picture you posted). ~JP/deb

  33. Thanks for the laugh.

  34. I also would prefer the 1960s ‘stangs as a comparison, but I have to say I loved this post. Brilliant.

  35. I know how women are with their age… so I thought they would appreciate the 1985 comparison rather than one from the sixties.

  36. Oh my! How hilariously funny! Love the six steps – or maybe they should be called the “sex” steps?

  37. I was thinking about you the other day (in a nice way) because you appear to have a sincere appreciation of woman-kind. When I get around to having “MAN WEEK” on my blog, you will be a featured favorite. I will probably also draw another naked picture of myself for you.

  38. When I saw the title, I was sure I’d be offended but NO SIRREE BOB this was very fun.

  39. Good to know you will be all tuned up before you visit Vegas. We wouldn’t want your brakes to go out during a lube job. It would be a shame to cool down your heat and throw out your alignment.

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