Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys and the Mystery of Life


Frank Hardy smashed her bedroom door open, finding her riding his brother, sweat running down her naked body.

“You… you… whore!” yelled Frank, tears falling.

Nancy Drew’s face turned red, ashamed to be caught in such an intimate position with her boyfriend’s brother, Joe Hardy.

“Let me explain, Frank,” she said as she covered her nakedness with a sheet.

“And you!” yelled Frank, pointing at his brother, Joe. “How could you do this to me? To your own brother! I knew the three of us shouldn’t be working together. I never wanted to solve “The Mystery of Life.” This was bound to have happened!”

“That’s just it. This IS the Mystery of Life.” said Nancy, putting on her glasses.

“What?!” screamed Frank.

“The Mystery of Life. It’s solved.”

Nancy Drew stood between the two brothers as she tied her hair back. These were her two lovers, two men who made her feel special in different, unique ways.

She loved Frank’s intellect and his ability to follow a clue like a bloodhound. She never felt closer to anyone than when they worked together on “Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys: The Case of the Counterfeit Indians.”

With Joe, the relationship was more chemical, more animalistic. She would never forget the way she gave her womanhood to him on that sandy beach during “The Mystery of Makatook Island,” allowing him to dominating her like the bull from “The Treasure of the Matador,” until all resistance faded, the way the old mine collapsed in “Panic on Seagull Island.”

“What are you talking about, Nancy?” asked Frank. “How is the Mystery of Life solved?”

“Uh, I don’t get it either,” said Joe, still in bed, echoing his brother.

Nancy continued, her voice full of energy.

“We were hired to solve the Mystery of Life, and this is it. LIFE. Life goes on. You can’t hold it in your fingers or put it in a box. You can’t plan on life going your way. That’s the mystery. You can’t control LIFE. One minute you could be in love with me, and the next minute I might be in bed with your brother. Life has its ups. Life has its downs. You never know exactly what’s going to happen next. And that’s the Mystery of Life!”

Frank and Joe glanced at each other, both aware of the games women play.

“That’s utter bulls**t,” said Frank.

“I’d have to agree with my brother, Nancy, ” said Joe. “”You never know exactly what’s going to happen next?!” Seriously, who came up with THAT one?”

“I did!” said Encyclopedia Brown, throwing open the closet door, revealing himself to be naked, muscular and tanned from his last case, “Enclyclopedia Brown And the Case of the Missing Eagle.”

“C’mon, Nancykins, ” said Encyclopedia Brown, semi-aroused. “When are these two clowns gonna leave so we can continue on with our investigation?!”

P.S. — Much love and healing to fellow blogger and REAL mystery writer, Patry Francis, on her surgery today!


  1. Frank? Joe?…

    I will never look at my Nancy Drew collection the same way again…

  2. wait!?! what about ned nickerson??? he and nancy were always an item in every book i read. but then again i never read those hardy boys/nancy drew combined books. man…that nancy drew…she gets around!

  3. What?? Did Sophia sleep with your brother???

  4. i never read the books but watched the show, i loved parker stevenson!!!

  5. You can call me, 'Sir'

    March 18, 2008 at 4:48 am

    Encyclopedia Brown and Nancy Drew….yeah, I can see that happening.

  6. Two days later, hotel staff found the battered body of Harriet the Spy under the bed. Her notebook was not found. Police have no leads.

  7. You should see the Nancy Drew graphic novels- she’s all tramped up. Your story makes perfect sense after seeing those.

  8. What? Nancy Drew graphic novels? Man, my childhood was such a rip.

  9. This is fucking priceless. Although I have to say, I was expecting “the mystery of life” to be “where do babies come from?”

  10. Those were the days… I loved this post!

  11. First, Natalie beat me to it. The whole time I was reading, I was thinking “But what about NED?”

    Second, Sween’s comment got me laughing out loud.

  12. I always caught the simmering sexual undetones of Nancy Drew…even as a kid…

    Ah..and Encyclopedia Brown….my favorite crush.

  13. Thank you, Not Faint Hearted for telling me I screwed up and added a Tom Hardy by accident. There isn’t a third brother. At least I don’t think so.

    And just because you asked — no, Sophia is not Nancy, although she would be a good detective.

  14. well, i’m glad you didn’t have them in a three-way (like the ex-gov of n.j.), though i’m sure you were sorely tempted.

    the sweat running down nancy’s naked body is a great detail. i won’t forget it. not in a bad way, either.

  15. That was very amusing, thanks!

  16. Oh, my good hell. That is hilarious. The Encyclopedia Brown part about made me pee myself.

  17. the Yearning Heart

    March 18, 2008 at 8:00 am

    Ned’s gay, obvs.

    And I think The Three Investigators are bi-curious.

  18. LOL. I always thought that Encyclopedia Brown was much cooler than the Hardy Boys.

  19. I loved this ever so much!

  20. you need to get laid babe. :hugs:

  21. What the hell did you just do to my adolescent memories?!!

  22. I always knew that Nancy Drew was a slut. I’m totally in love with her now.

  23. Holy shite, I was reading through Bloglines and was going to leave a “WTF?” comment for Busy Mom.

    But, oh, it’s you.

  24. While I loved the extrapolated horniness of the teenaged Hardys (and yes, they were)(hardy)and Miss Drew, I thought Encyclopedia Brown was a pre-teen. Which would definitely introduce the ewww-ness factor. And Nate the Great? Please, Hey Joe, don’t sully the good detective’s sterling reputation.

  25. Any chance you could re-work The Famous Five next?

  26. Two days later, hotel staff found the battered body of Harriet the Spy under the bed. Her notebook was not found. Police have no leads.

    Sween, you have issues!

  27. Baroness – by the time this story was published, the characters were already in their thirties.

  28. I’m still waiting to find out what happened to Cinderella’s bra.

  29. Marie — Patience. The longer I hold out, the more I know you will come to the site looking for it.

  30. Wow. I never got much into Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys before. If I had known what they were really all about, I would have read them again, and again, and again…

  31. Nancy? What are you doing? Nooooo!!!!! Childhood melting…

  32. Uhhh…

    Who needs online porn when they can just come to your site?

  33. This is a “swell” (remember that?) post.
    I had a HUGE crush on Joe Hardy! I’m so glad someone brought Harriet the Spy into the mix.

  34. You have totally messed with my head.
    I will never see Nancy as the innocent I
    always believed her to be :-).

  35. hehehehe.

    the one thing missing, though, is the little upside-down bit at the end of every story encyclopedia brown is in. it ties up every loose end.

    like how EB ended up in the closet. and whether he just likes to watch đŸ˜‰

    (a quiet lurker :-)

  36. i love sluttynancy. she is awesome.

  37. Danny Dunn arrived in the nick of time, with high-tech sex toys for everyone.

  38. Non-Highlighted Heather

    March 20, 2008 at 11:59 am

    There’s no way Nancy was a straight girl. Ned was just a ruse. Nancy’s secret lover was her best friend, George. Clearly Nancy was the femme in the relatioship, since in all the illustrations of George she’s got a buzz cut and is wearing construction boots, a wife beater, and has a tattoo on her arm that says, “Nancy Boi.”

  39. Ha! For a moment there I was speechless. Well done.

  40. No wonder the wife likes Nancy Drew books!

  41. You so totally are gonna owe me a new keyboard.

    Coffee. Spewed.

  42. This has ruined my fantasy. I always expected Nancy to be knocked out by her friend Georgie Fayne in at least one book and wake up just as Nancy was having her panties removed by George – I am sure she really liked Nancy!

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