Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Clinton or Obama?

election1.jpg 

In all my years of following politics, I don’t recall a Democratic race being so close and and so embittered as the current race between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.  Like in a Hollywood movie, these are two allies torn apart by the intensity of the political process.   Democrats usually rally behind a candidate by March.  Events are different this year.  Tensions are high as friends and families draw the lines in the sand — Clinton or Obama.  The Democratic Party has been splintered.  Liberals, progressives, men, women — these “categories” are now useless, as each demographic divides itself into smaller and smaller sub-groups.  Blacks, whites, Jews, union members — no one votes as a single bloc anymore.  Candidates and pollsters alike are scrambling to decipher what Democrats want and who to appeal to in this important election.

As of today, here is what the Democratic landscape looks like, according to the most recent polling:

Women over 50 who lived through the feminist movement:  Clinton

Women under 40 who know more about their vibrators than the feminist movement:  Obama

Voters who want change:  Obama

Voters who want change, but not as much as the other voters:  Clinton

Women who make over 100k — Clinton

Women who make over 100K but are divorced from a randy husband who was getting oral sex from his “intern” — Obama

Blacks who think Obama is too “white”  — Obama

Blacks who think Obama is too “black” — Obama

Blacks who owe favors to the Clintons — Clinton

Guilty Liberal Jews who say they love “rap music” just to look cool — Obama

Religious Jews who think Obama will nickname the White House the “First Mosque” — Clinton

Small Town Americans who have never met a black person, but feel comfortable with them  — Obama

Small Town Americans who have never met a black person, but still don’t like them — Clinton

Small Town Americans who have never met a black person, but still don’t like them, but have heard Clinton speaking on the TV — Obama

Misogynists — Obama

Racists — Clinton

Misogynists and Racists —  McCain

Misogynists and Racists who hate McCain – Clinton, because at least she doesn’t seem like a typical dame

Academics in Universities — Obama

Academics in Universities with Tenure — Ralph Nader (what do they care?!  They have a job!)

Asian male models who look gay, but aren’t — Obama

Women who buy Anne Taylor suits at the outlet mall — Clinton

Men who show their private parts on MySpace — Clinton

Men who go online and ask for photos of women in bras — Obama

Crest users — Obama

Colgate users — Clinton

Those who make love to Neil Diamond — Obama

Those who make love to Nine Inch Nails — Clinton

Those who know that Hillary Clinton and Hilary Duff spell their first name differently — Obama

Those who say, “Who’s Hillary Duff?” — Clinton

It is clear that this race is going down to the wire!

56 Comments

  1. I like Obama, and I’ve never had the urge to make love to Neil Diamond.

  2. OMG..this is too hilarious.

    And I’m completely undecided as well. On Super Tuesday I voted for Edwards..even though he’d dropped out the week before, his name was still on the ballot in NY.

    It’s going to be an interesting race.

  3. this is by far my favorite post so far on the democratic primaries. heee. hee hee. it’s funny because it’s true..

  4. Crest user who voted for Hilary. But only because the drugstore stopped selling my all-natural hippy brand of toothpaste. I have no idea what that says about my political leanings. (Closet Nader fan?)

  5. I think you are wrong on the music and toothpaste.
    But it doesn’t matter. I’m in Tuvalu.

  6. Crap. We’re in big trouble…there are a lot of men who show their privates on myspace.

  7. I drink to Neil Diamond and have sex to Nine Inch Nails. I’m still voting for Obama.

    While I’m here, if any of you women have pictures of you in a bra, please post.

  8. That was one of the most useful analyses I’ve seen in ages. Or at least it made me giggle. Which I find useful. Or at least enjoyable.

  9. I’m not ashamed to say that I don’t vote. BUT if I did vote I’d vote for Obama.

    I remember being in 5th (’89/’90) grade and watching the election and telling the boys that one day a girl would be President. They didn’t believe me. But look at what’s happening now. A black guy, and a woman both running in the same year. And while I think Clinton may make a good President, I don’t think that this is her year.

    You can crucify me if you want to, but that is what I think.

  10. I work in a university and love Neil Diamond. How did you know?

  11. Man, I fall into about 12 different categories. Good thing I don’t vote! (…in the American election) (… I’m Canadian)

  12. Ha! That was good (and not even self-absorbed – you’re making progress!).

  13. People named Hilary — Obama.

  14. Comment just above mine is one of my favorites. 🙂 Can only imagine what kind of madness you perceive seeing tweets like mine and the Queen’s flying back and forth these past months… 😉

  15. Canadian who are glad they don’t have to pick but are worried because of Bush fiasco for the last 8 year and really hate Oprah — Obama

  16. Oops, another one slipped in…I meant the ‘people named Hilary voting for Obama’ one.

  17. That is the most coherent analysis I’ve seen in a long while. Bravo, Neil.

  18. how about if you photoshop the two and have a clinbama?

    you should try your hand at speech writing. politics needs a new groove.

  19. I’m in the making love to Neil Diamond category, I think. Obama needs to add some sequins to his suits.

    “Crackling Rosie, get on board…”

  20. What about the people that get it on to Supertramp or Erasure? Much neglected demographic. I think Ron Paul stands strong in that area.

  21. This coming from a political junkie and Obamaniac — by far the best and funniest political analysis ever! Thanks for the laugh. And yes, I do *know* my vibrators.

  22. we had an article in our paper last week indicating that something like four out of the last six presidents were left handed, guess who’s left handed, cuz i’d say that’s another category.

  23. Finally, I know why people vote for Democrats. I never could figure it out before. Thanks, Neil 🙂

  24. this totally made me giggle. happy day before your birthday 🙂

  25. Hilary Duff is running now, too? Man, I am paralyzed by choice.

  26. “Misogynists and Racists – McCain”

    Ha ha hahahahhaa hahaha hahahahhaaa!

    😀

  27. oh, thank you neil for that lovely brief. Now the American election started to make sense!!

  28. Poverty-stricken crocs-with-socks wearing 32 year old woman here for Hillary all the way. But I’d take anyone over McCain.

  29. Perfect analysis. I wish I had something else going for my voting variances besides the “black” thing. Until this election season, I’d forgotten I even could be classified by color. Thanks a lot, CNN.

  30. Being from Canada I am only just mildly interested, the way I see it, anything is better than Bush. But to go from Bush to the first female president or the first black president interests me a little.

  31. Neil, I love you!
    I just laughed so hard my leg cast fell off the pillow.
    Jan

  32. Women who aren’t afraid to flirt if it helps them get shit done: Obama

  33. People who get down listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers or Lenny Kravitz, depending upon mood – write in Neil Kramer’s name on their ballot

  34. So that explains it: I’ve always been a Colgate girl myself.

  35. Colgate user who’s voting for Obama. Let’s see, I’m white, a feminist, household income less than $100,000 a year, and am very much wanting change.

    That’s assuming the primaries here in NC even count this year. They’re saying they might…

    GREAT post. I loved it.

  36. Neil, can I patent you?

  37. You were pretty right on about my Obama liking profile…Except the “making love to Neil Diamond” part.

  38. I think Hillary should win, just want to see Bill in a dress!

    (just read your thing on pop candy! Good one Neil!)

  39. Me? I’m playing it safe and voting for McCain, along with all the misogynists and racists. ; ) My first choice was Giuliani, but he’s out so I’m SETTLING.

  40. Ex-cell-ent!

    Don’t you think McCain should pick Alice Cooper as his running mate?

  41. It all makes more sense now… thanks Neil!

  42. I don’t think the race is so embittered. Half the time they are falling all over the place to be nice to each other. And, Obama pulled Clinton’s chair out for her at one debate. Although, I would have slapped him for that, an obvious power play. Oh yeah, but anyone under 45 wouldn’t know about that would they?

  43. I am constantly amazed by people who at this point are still “undecided”. WTF? Christ, make a decision, people.

    As a black woman, I am so over “the media” telling me what a difficult decision I have to make: do I identify more as a woman or as a black person? Well, if that’s all there is to it, then thank god I don’t have to have any interest in, you know, the ISSUES or anything! For pete’s sake.

    BTW, when it comes down to gettin’ it on, I prefer Nine Inch Nails… but if you’re listening to Trent while you’re “doing it,” you’re f-ing, not “making love.” 🙂

  44. “Closer” used to be my number one “Go to” song in the bedroom and now I’m going to think of freaking HILLARY CLINTON, DAMMIT!

    Ewe.

  45. wake me up when there is a real candidate worth fighting for running in the election.

    you can call me rip van mistress. :eyeroll:

  46. HOLY SHIT YOU ARE FUNNY.

    God, thanks for this.

  47. We’ve had the Nine Inch Nails/Neil Diamond conversation before.

  48. That was hilarious.
    Best political post I’ve read. Thanks for the laughs!

  49. Oh Neil, thank you for breaking it down better than any talking head on MSNBC. One of the campaigns should hire you.

    One question though: Where do the Depeche Mode obsessed fit in?

  50. You missed out ‘New Zealanders’ – I’ll vote Obama (if they open this one up to New Zealanders … )

  51. Best political commentary ever.

  52. My favorite joke of the moment (thanks Jon Stewart): So who do you want, the schwartze or the shiksa?

  53. Where does a guilt ridden but not guilty liberal Jew fit? Who isn’t ashamed to say she’s over a certain age but prefers 9 inch nails to Neil Diamond?

    Oh she once loved a president named Bill, stayed faithful to him through all scandals, but recently had her heart broken by him and vowed never to love another president or presidential candidate.

    Which isn’t hard as she hasn’t even really liked a president since Kennedy when she was too young to know anything

    This is an instant classic Neilochoka

  54. You are SO wrong. I like Hillary and I’m a loyal Crest user. Everything else was accurate and well-researched 😉

  55. OMG – Just found this blog and, significantly, this post. Have forwarded to several friends. This rocks! (as does Obama ;-))

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