While many of you use your blogs to make money or advance your careers, I see my blog as a public service, as a way to help others. When I read that that Alissa from “I Found a Fatal Flaw in the Logic of Love” was getting married in two weeks, I immediately swung into action. After all, as someone who is already married, isn’t it my duty to help the soon-to-be-married and give advice, to impart the wisdom that I have gained through experience? My marriage may be an unusual one, one with many hurdles, but I think the hard work has made me especially equipped to give heart-felt marital advice to a newbie.
Today, I sent Alissa an email with some important items to remember as she starts her new life as a wife.
1) Husbands have fragile egos. Before you go to sleep each night, it is important that you get on your knees in front of your husband and praise him. Say things such as “Without you, I’d be NOTHING.”
2) Work out a private signal, so your husband can communicate to you that it is time to go home and have sex, whether it be a snap of the finger or a flick of the nose, like in the movie “The Sting.” And never say “not now.” That is very bad for the karma of marriage.
3) Always obey your husband, like it says in the Bible.
4) A wife must be a great cook and create delicious home-cooked meals for your husband every night. It is important to a husband. It shows that you love and respect him. Even more importantly, you should serve his dinner while you wear skimpy lingerie. Four out of five doctors say this is good for his digestion.
5) No matter how hard YOU worked all day, you must always appear looking beautiful and smiling. And always laugh at his jokes, no matter how dull.
6) The husband controls the remote, like it says in the Bible.
For some reason, Alissa, who is normally a very proper woman, sent me back this email:
Neilochka, f**k you!
Hmm. Since she doesn’t like my marital advice, I’m going to open this up to other married bloggers out there.
What is the most important advice that you would give Alissa or someone about to get married?
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Is it Tom Cruise’s Sports Jacket?