the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Why I Married Sophia


Neil:  “Hey, Sophia — look!  Someone nominated me as the BEST blog of all time!”

Sophia:  “Oh, yeah.  About that…  That was me.  I used a false name. I felt bad that no one else nominated you.”

Neil:  “Aw, Sofochka, you didn’t have to do that!  It’s all nonsense.  Besides, this contest is sponsored by PayPerPost, some evil company that gets bloggers to secretly hawk products to their readers.”

Sophia:  “At least someone is making some money off their blog.  So, who did you vote for?”

Neil:  “My motto is if I know them, I vote for them.  If Hilary Clinton comes to my house – I’ll vote for her.  if Rudy Guiliani comes to my house and shakes my hand, I’ll vote for him.”



Sophia:  “Crazy Aunt Purl again?!  Isn’t she the one who you bitched about not sending you a birthday gift?”

Neil:  “Uh, well…yes….”

Sophia:  “Hmmmm….”

Neil:  Well, maybe she’ll vote for me.  Even though I know I’m not going to win the “best blog ever,” I hope someone gives me one more vote.”

Sophia:  “Why’s that?”

Neil: “Look where I am.  I don’t want to spend the rest of my online life known as the blog one notch above”



  1. Michael

    There you go another vote.

  2. Neil

    Thank you, Michael. That’s all I needed. To be as far away from “Cranial Vomit” as possible.

  3. Bre

    Well, as long as you’re above cranial vomit, you won’t have to deal with any messy stains.

  4. Jurgen Nation

    W00t! Neil, she’s fantastic. And, shit, I have a warm coat to mail to you! (Note to self.) Also, I voted. It’s a vote for you and a vote for Sophia, though. Sorry. Married people share.

  5. Dagny

    But of course this is just one of Sophia’s wonderful qualities.

  6. michellev

    Sophias a keeper for sure. You know we’ll all vote for you.

  7. laurie

    I was on deadline and working and commuting and… ok. I have no excuse. I’m sorry. I suck. I will knit you a willie warmer for chrissakes. hee.

  8. Spinning Girl

    You rock!

  9. alissa

    At least you’re one notch above and not one notch below cranialvomit – you know, gravity and that.

  10. heather anne

    I voted for you. That makes 9! 🙂

  11. Neil

    I hate to say this, but I just went to Cranial Vomit and the author is a hot Aussie guy who has some sexy photos of himself shirtless in his Flickr account. I wouldn’t be surprised if bloggers like Brooke actually vote for HIM as the best blogger of all time.

  12. Finn

    I’m tearing up over here. I think I already voted in that category, but if I didn’t, you’re in!

    Unless those Cranial Vomit photos are really hot…

  13. Neil

    Thanks, Heather. But your Hoagie award was already the highlight of my blogging career. And I wonder if you are really the best blogger of “all time,” whether that include all future blogs?

    Finn — Be patient. Another six months at the gym and three sessions of chest and back waxing, and I’ll be posting my shirtless photos too!

    Laurie — No birthday gift and a plug for your book!  I’ll be expecting a free copy.  What do you mean — you knitted a pair of socks for Cranial Vomit instead?

  14. sarah

    Its just in abc order, neil. not worries! 🙂

  15. Danny

    Love Sophia for doing that, but these so-called contests give me the willies. There’s Dooce, of course, leading the pack and being nominated in four other categories as well. WHAT IS THE POINT? I’d vote for you but I’m reluctant to get on the mailing list for that site. Still, maybe if you made it worth my while. (We’re good on washcloths, but we could use some hand-knitted bath towels…)

    I also can’t bear seeing the tons of blogs that are listed with 0 votes. I don’t get it–can’t at least the person that put in the nomination vote for the freaking blog?

    The only thing that I liked about that contest was that Perez Hilton was leading the pack for the Worst Blog of All Time. Now that makes sense. Except he’s also way in the lead for BEST gossip blog. Yuck.

    I guess sites like that are a way to discover some interesting, unknown blogs. At this point, I hope Dooce is embarrassed to keep getting these crazy awards. She should take herself out of the running.

  16. Neil

    Danny — If someone didn’t ask me to vote, I wouldn’t vote myself. This site asks for you email and your birth date, and I hate giving my data out to untrustworthy companies. Luckily, I told them that I was born May 1, 1927.

  17. Mariana

    One more from me.
    Make Sophia correct that “consistantly”, it kinda looks bad.
    So you’re birthday’s soon (again)!

  18. Hilly

    Sofia is truly amazing! I have to go vote for you even though we are duking it out in the same category ;). But ya know, a blog about cute kitties will win anyway!

  19. churlita

    I don’t get blog awards either. It seems like there are new ones every month. Aren’t we all self-indulgent enough?

    Oh, and good luck, Neil.

  20. Neil

    Mariana — She spelled “consistently” wrong in the blurb so no one would know it that she who nominated me. Or at least that’s her excuse.

    Oh, please, don’t vote for me for this thing anymore. It’s a lost cause, like the Cubs winning the Word Series.

    Send money instead.

    You really think Dooce cares about these awards more than the new house she bought from her advertising?

  21. sandra

    We think you’re pretty friggin’ cool, Neil.

  22. Neil

    Oh, Sandra, really enough. It’s supposed to be a joke. Please, someone, say something bad about me. I hardly comment anymore. I don’t answer emails. I favor the female bloggers who show cleavage on their profile photo. Sophia frequently tells me, “Don’t publish that piece of shit.” I haven’t written anything funny in weeks. My penis gags were old last year. My template is “fugly.” I’m really a pretty bad blogger. I’m not worthy, I say, giving a “Melinda Doolittle” bat of my eye.

  23. psychomom

    I voted for you as “Best Blog in the Universe”.
    The vote totals are listed on

  24. psychomom

    Oops, I didn’t know it was a real link.

  25. Non-Highlighted Heather

    I think you’re a shlemil.

  26. Ariel

    Erm, what is the point? I am missing the joke, aren’t I? Uh? Yes? *sigh*

  27. L.A. Daddy

    Oh, god! I have neither a nomination nor a vote! That means I’m actually BENEATH

    I’m going to have to nominate myself, aren’t I?

  28. Caryn

    You and me both, LA Daddy. Neil, I think you’re way better than Dooce. Mainly because you don’t talk about poop all the time. Then again, maybe that is the magic formula …

  29. danielle

    got my vote 🙂

    i wish i could be as cool as you to be nominated for an award… even if it was by someone you married!

  30. Shelli

    I’ll vote for you. At least you were nominated. hmph lol

  31. Mariana

    Now that you ask, yeah I think she does. Who knows, she may have nominated herself even, and early enough to get a head start.

    You sure complain a lot. You are nominated now! Get to work and gather votes, otherwise you’ll feel bad afterwards. And you do have “the best blog of all times”, I said it.

    Although now that I’ve looked at that Cranial Vomit guy…

  32. Two Roads

    Neil, you are mighty fine in my book!

  33. Neil

    Heather, that’s schlemiel, you nudnik!

  34. Dana

    Uh oh. I see you corrected N-H Heather. Hope you do better than a schlimazel on that contest.

  35. Non-Highlighted Heather

    Hey, don’t blame me, I’m just a shikse. I cut and pasted it from a Yiddish website. You’d think those shmendriks could get it right.

  36. laurie

    OMG here we go with the special Yiddishtalk. N-H Heather kicks my ass in Yiddish. (Also, isn’t that a great name? Non-Highlighted Heather. It is a great name!) (also yes I have had wine.)

    You have the best blob of all time. Cranial Vomit? Really? I should get out more often.

  37. marianna

    hmm, just have one question, sofochka, neilochka..r u russian??!

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