Today, I attended an amazing seminar at the Anaheim Hilton, titled “People Pleaser No More!” led by the brilliant Dr. Schmoozeno Schmutz. It was as if I had three years of intense therapy in one day (with free pasta bar included for lunch). I learned that I feel “smaller” than other people, when I should feel “bigger.” I shouldn’t worry about speaking my mind or telling others the truth. Others will still like me, and if they don’t — to hell with them and good riddance!
This new attitude is going to trickle down into my blogging style. No more self-deprecating humor or putting myself down in posts. There now will be a new regime at Citizen of the Month. I’m not going to be a “cheerleader” in your comments anymore. If your husband divorces you, I’m not going to be all cutesy and nicey-nice by saying, “It’s his loss! You can do better.” I’m going to tell you what I really think — “It was all your fault. Maybe if you would have given him head every once in a while, he would have stayed!”
I recently wrote a few thank you emails that I sent to some of you about the birthday gifts and cards that I received. When I re-read my notes today, having graduated Dr. Schmutz’s seminar, I got sick to my stomach. Each note is peppered with “loser” phrases like “you are so generous,” “you are so sweet,” and “I’m so glad to be your friend.” Tie me with an apron and gag me with a spoon. Why do I have to make believe that I’m not worthy? LOSER! Dr. Schmutz has taught me that I AM worthy. In fact, rather than being all grateful and crying with joy over you “caring” about me, I should be wondering why didn’t I get MORE GIFTS and from more of you?! Where were you, Mrs. Mogul and Brooke, for example?! After all, YOU all should be grateful that I still hang around with you when I could be blogging with my peeps — Dooce, Amalah, and the other A-listers.
On Sunday, I received the last bunch of cards and gifts from Danny. Sure, I could say “thank you” and how much I appreciate it, but let’s cut the crap, should we? I think you’ll respect me more if I am more honest with you and tell you how I really feel about what you sent me. Otherwise, I’d be doing a disservice to Dr. Schmoozeno Schmutz’s teachings and to myself.
Yeah, it’s nice that you sent me some cute birthday cards, but WTF, where are the GIFTS? Couldn’t you have at least included a few dollars tucked inside?
I enjoy you as a blogger, but I never want to meet you in person. You seem completely inconsiderate. Who in their right mind sends someone the entire collection of Proust — six books?! I couldn’t get through Volume One in college and you want me to read the whole series? Are you a freaking SADIST? Are you doing this because I once called the French a bunch of anti-Semites and this is your payback?
I’m convinced that you and Elisabeth are working in cahoots. It must be the French connection. You sent me “Reflections on Exile” by Edward W. Said, knowing that I once took a college course with the late Professor Said. You knew that I only got a B in that class, and clearly you wanted to “rub it in” that you are smarter than me. And now I have to explain to Sophia why I’m reading a book by a Palestinian activist! Thanks for the “gift.”
You sent me a copy of “Out of the Ordinary” by John Ronson. Pretentious! I never read British novelists. When are you guys going to accept that your literary heyday ended with George Bernard Shaw? I’ve already exchanged the book at Amazon for Paula Abdul’s new autobiography. She is an American.
You sent me “Don’t Make Me Think” by Steve Krug. I wish you did some thinking yourself before you bought me this insulting gift. The book is all about bad website design. What are you trying to tell me about my blog? That it is ugly and user-unfriendly? Why don’t you just stab me in the back and give it a good twist?
An Iowa lottery ticket? Like Iowa actually pays off anything worthwhile in their lottery. Are the winnings in corn cobs?
Yet another losing lottery ticket… I won nothing, bupkes, AGAIN! How about sending me another one, or two, or three?
Multi-colored sea glass from the beach near La Rochelle, France? How do I know these are really from France? How do I know you just didn’t break a bottle of Budweiser and put the pieces into an envelope? If I cut myself on one of these, I’m suing you before you can say “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?”.
You’ll have to explain to everyone what you sent me, because just thinking about this mirror paper/”self-help toolkit” makes me dizzy and nauseated!
Certificates for a dinner entree and a movie? At California Pizza Kitchen? I’ve been there already. Couldn’t you have at least found me a new place to eat? I like sushi.
While I’m sure you enjoyed these two romantic comedy DVDs you sent me, did it occur to you that I am a man, and I would much prefer a movie with some tits and trucks blowing up? “Love Actually?” Do you think I’m gay? The $25 gift certificate for IHOP was a nice gesture, but what the hell do I need that for? Do you know how many coupons I have to IHOP already?
A Penn State t-shirt? If you actually read this blog, you know I went to college at an IVY LEAGUE school! Do you think I’m going to allow a Penn State t-shirt to touch my ivy-covered chest?
An Alabama t-shirt? It may be “Sweet Home Alabama” to you, but have you ever seen anyone Jewish wearing an Alabama t-shirt?
A book on how to speak like a Pittsburgher? I’m married to Sophia and I still haven’t learned any Russian, for Pete’s sake! Now you want me to learn YOUR language?
Silly Putty and a whoopee cushion? What do you think I am — a five years old?
The Korean tea set you sent from Seoul is very pretty, in a cutesy Asian kind of way, but I already sold it on E-bay. You may have missed some of my earlier posts, but most of my regular readers know that I DON’T LIKE KOREANS.
All of my previous gift givers, just count your blessings that I thanked you before I attended this seminar by Dr. Schmoozeno Schmutz. That means you —Two Roads, Alexandra, Question Girl, Becky, Noel, Lefty, Nelumbo, Leezer, Rhea, Eileen, Jocelyn, Irina, Michele, Bella, Don’t Call Me Sir, Zoely, Claire, Postmodern Sass, Colorful Prose, Communicatrix, Everyday Goddess, Karl, Old Lady of the Hills, Lynnster, Nancy French, Richard, Mr. Fabulous, NSC, Buzzgirl, Leesa, Jurgen Nation, Hilly , Deezee, PocketCT, Blundering American), Ash, Kapgar, Albert, V-Grrrl, Javacurls, Fresh New Hell, Spinning Girl), EEK, Ellen, Alissa and Evan, Orieyenta and little Orieyenta, Psychotoddler, Pearl, Deanna, Katie, Mo, Margaret, Stepping Over Junk, Caron, Finn, Nance, Lauren, A Take on the World, Blitz Kreig, Tamar, Doris, Daisy, Better Safe than Sorry, Jules, Roberta, Ascender, Introspectre, Ms. Sizzle, Dave, and Danny.
OK, my birthday 2007 is now officially over! Much love from Sophia as well!