History is filled with frauds: the Trojan Horse, Rasputin’s psychic act, Chris Daughtry being voted off American Idol — but nothing compares to the biggest fraud of them all — Mother’s Day!
What are we celebrating with this made-up holiday? And do mothers really deserve a holiday?
Yeah, I know these are dangerous questions. I know all about the “Mommy Bloggers” and how they pretty much run the Blogosphere. Listen, if you don’t hear from me after tomorrow, it’s because my computer and I are buried beneath some Babies-R-Us in Culver City, CA. Good luck getting any information from Jimmy “Dooce” Hoffa.
But let’s think about this “Mother Issue” calmly and rationally. Hear me out, then you can agree or disagree with my thesis that Moms have caused ALL of society’s woes.
1) Mothers are big nags.
Who can disagree with this? “Wear your hat!” “Wear your gloves!” “Wear your galoshes!” “You’re not going out wearing those jeans!” “You’re not getting a nose ring!” “Did you write that thank you note for that bar mitvah gift?” “Did you call Aunt Betsy and say Happy Birthday?” “Why not go on a second date with her?” “When are you having children?” “Why don’t you call me?”
Mothers say they nag because “they care.” I say, “Take some Prozac and get off our backs!”
2) Mothers prevent their daughters from having a healthy romantic relationship.
Think about your boyfriend or husband. Remind you of anyone? Yeah, that’s right. He’s just like that crazy guy your mother married — your father! For years, she complained about him. And now she’s brainwashed you into marrying the exact same type of man! If that’s not passive-aggressive, I don’t know what is.
3) Mothers prevent their sons from having a healthy romantic relationship.
Men, have you ever seen a photo of your mother when she was twenty-one and vacationing at the beach, and said to yourself, “Holy crap, she’s hot!” and then you look both ways to make sure no one saw you salivating over your own mother?
Admit it, there’s no one like your mother. And you know why? Because that’s the way she WANTS IT.
She’s like a devil woman! She sucks you into her web — well, actually you’re sucking milk from her breast, creating a bond that is unbreakable. When you’re feeling down, like when you dropped the fly ball to right field during the big Little League game and the rest of the team beat you up, she feeds you with your favorite — Kraft macaroni and cheese. When you’re sick, she brings you Spiderman comics and Mad Magazine. All the while, she is “setting you up” so you can never be happy with another woman! Can your wife really cook as well as your mother? Of course not. When you had a hard day at work, would your mother really bug you about fixing the leaky toilet in the upstairs bathroom? No way!
Like it or not, we are ALL Mama’s Boys.
Ladies, here’s a little secret, when your man is making love to you and screaming, “Oh, mama! Oh, mama!” — there’s a reason for that.
4) Mothers poison you.
Yes, Mom, that margarine you used to spread on my toast “instead of butter” is now known as Trans-Fatty Acids. The same with that Entenmann’s “Low-Fat” Chocolate Cake. All stuff that could kill you! Coincidence? And why did I never — EVER — see you once eat those Spaghetti-O’s you used to give me at lunch? Curious, isn’t it? How about next time you come visit me, I feed you some of those “Lucky Charms” cereal for breakfast? Huh?
5) Mothers make their children neurotic.
I used to believe “guilt” was a Jewish trait, but through blogging I have learned that this is a universal problem. Catholics, Hindus, Muslims, everyone feels guilty all the time. And everyone is miserable. And when we go to our therapists, what is the first thing we learn? Who is the real villain? Yes, “sweet” ol’ Mom!
6) Mothers ruin any chance of you having a happy family.
First of all, we all know about mother-in-laws and all the trouble they cause in a marriage. But your own mother is even more dangerous because she hides behind her innocent AARP smile.
Ask her some time, “What exactly is the grandmother’s role?”
“To spoil the grandchild.”
“I see. And why would a grandmother want to do that?”
“Simple. Because I want your kids to turn into annoying brats and make your life a living hell!”
It’s revenge! Revenge for the pains of childbirth. For the terrible twos! For those awful teenage years! For getting caught with that college boy in your bedroom! For you smoking pot! For the eighty thousand dollars she spent on you for college without even getting a thank-you!
It’s no wonder mothers just turn plain nasty!
Now I’m sure there are some new mothers out there saying, “Not me! Never me!”
I know who you are. I’ve seen your blogs. Here’s my one year old Melinda smiling. Here’s Melinda trying to say “DaDa.” Here’s Melinda playing with the dog. Here’s Melinda drooling. Sure, you’re proud of your child now. It’s a novelty. But wait until you’re a grandmother and Melinda has tattoos all over her body and is living with her Republican lesbian lover in Portland.
Payback time. That’s why they call it “the Golden Years.”
7) Mothers destroy your free will.
How many times are you doing something — fighting with your spouse or scolding your child — and you suddenly realize that you are acting just like your mother?
Have you ever seen The Manchurian Candidate?Â Brainwashing!
There is no hope for you. You are the puppet and your mother is the puppetmaster.
Of course, my Mom has a good sense of humor and makes a damn good brisket. She’s kind-hearted and doesn’t get too mad at me when I forget to mail her a Mother’s Day card. As mothers go, I could have done worse. So, I guess I will forgive her for serving me those Spaghetti-Os.
And she’s still as hot as when she was twenty-one and at Coney Island!
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!
Tell me about it… My mom has managed to make me come over for Mother’s Day weekend (it’s not the same day in France). And I didn’t even realize until it was too late.
LOLOL You are a genius. A warped one, but nonetheless.
I’m telling my mom on you.
LOL! I needed a good laugh! Don’t think my mum is going to appreciate this but these are absolute truths and paradoxalement, they’re good reasons for celebrating your mama’s day, which is everyday!
Brilliant! my mother truly was the hottest chick on the beach in her 20s. unfortunately i look like my dad 🙂
I am sending this to mom. (If anyone reads this and you haven’t heard from me in awhile; first blame Neil. He wrote this post which is too tempting not to send to mom and she has killed me for it. second: at the memorial I would like Sam Cooke played. that’s all for now.
All kinds of twisted, Neil. Beautiful, wonderful, twisted. I have to learn how to do this humor thing, one of these days.
Pretty hilarious, Neil.
Somehow, they master the art of doing all of those things and yet, make you love them anyway.
I heard “You are NOT getting a tattoo!” for four years when I was in college. When I graduated she said “I’ll come with you and hold your hand, I just wanted to make sure that you really wanted it.”
NEIL (insert middle and last mname here)!
You go to room and think about what you’ve done right now!
This is not a discussion young man. DON’T you even think about back talking me.
Because I say so.
I’m the parent and I get to make the rules. Someday, God willing, you will have kids of your own and YOU will get to be the rule maker/enforcer.
Until then — GO TO YOUR ROOM! And don’t even think about coming out until you are ready to go, buy and or make you mother a lovely card and pressie.
That’s mummies good boy…
Ever notice how Mother’s Day gets soooooo much more hype than Father’s Day? It’s a conspiracy.
But you know that even though there is guilt dished out in every religion, there is NO guilt served quite like a Jewish mother’s.
It’s the special of the day. 😉
prozac, you say? gotta think about it.
Don’ you be tokkin’ smack ’bout mama.
-Jack “Bubba” T
I think you’ve written an important post that society needs to read. There is more truth in this post than in the Torah, Talmud, Bible, Qur’an and Bhagavad Gita. On second thought, scratch Qur’an from that list. Not a good idea to joke about the Qur’an.
Unfortunately, no one will take you seriously. Everyone will assume you’re being sardonic or ironic or sarcastic. Few will be able to benefit from this, the most important post ever written.
Good to know I’m a complete failure as a mother. Plus, my kids know that if they ever want a nose ring or a tat, I’ll just take them to the place I got mine.
Mom doesn’t want to celebrate this year, doesn’t want to be a bother to anyone.
Elaine Kramer…you may step up to the podium now and talk about SONS.
Guess there’s no such thing as Happy Son’s Day for a reason. 🙂
Can I forward this to my mom?
good gods… i felt guilty just READING that. my mom has clearly done a good job with me ;-P
thought about it [prozac]. No, I need something much stronger, to knock me unconscious after every conversation with my son.
Out of mercy.
“Jimmy ‘Dooce’ Hoffa”!?! Hahaha! That is the best Mother’s Day gift ever. (And I love the Dooce…really, I do…)
If I wrote a post like this my mom would kick my ass…however if she read my blog and 95% of it’s content whe would also kick my ass. Thank god the woman doesn’t have a computer, and wouldn’t know the first thing about the internet.
Oh the agony….it’s so true!!! 🙂 Ha, ha, ha!
Now that I have stopped laughing and have wiped the tears away, I can comment.
How did you know that I have toyed with crushing up Prozac and putting it in my mom’s food?
Years ago I was dating a guy. When my mom met him, she said, “He’s so much like your father.” That was the kiss of death for him. Now all I hear is, “Why did you dump that perfectly nice boy? You could be married now and I could be a grandmother.” She has mentioned sperm banks over the last few years and is now offering to sign me up for matchmaking services.
But I’m still going to call her on Sunday.
sad. funny. but so true! 🙂
Dagny – My mom recently brought up the whole “freezing my eggs” idea….oh mom you are such a nudge!
Finally, someone with the courage to write something not dripping with the typically mandated gobs of sentiment.
Any contrarian view of a massively commercialized pseudo-holiday that exists solely to fill the coffers of Hallmark et al is definitely worth a read.
Thanks for the reality jolt.
Your incredible perception that moms rule the blogosphere truly compensates for the fact that you are looking for a way to get out of making breakfast on Sunday.
from everything i’ve ever read about your mom, i would have to agree, she sounds awesome. being a mom is the worst job, at times, maybe mother’s day is to remind the moms to hang in there the other 364 days of the year.
happy mother’s day to your mom
It isn’t easy being a MOTHER! But we love you little sons-a-bitches anyway.
Are you crushing on your mom? Whoa. That’s kind of cool. I think you should set it up as a movie, sell it to Paramount and make scads of money off of her. HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, MOM! Here’s your fat ass check!
As far as Mother’s Day goes, I also feel there should be a limit. Like when you’re an adult shouldn’t your mom “get it” that you appreciate her and all that shit? Why the card? Why the candle or body lotion?
And lastly, regarding your comment to Circle Time being like AA, I think AA is a lot more fun. Unless of course it’s court ordered.
But Neil, we’re just doing our JOBS! ha!
I wonder if PsychoMom sees in the irony in mothers calling offspring “you little sons-a-bitches.” Hmmm…
Very clever. Who said I’m not hot anymore, anyway??????
All hail #5. I got a dose of my neuroses whilst cooking dinner with my mom and step dad the other night. I realized that I move in the kitchen just like my mom and am concerned about the same ridiculous stuff. “No, you must CUBE the cheese, not just slice pieces off haphazardly! GOD!”
I’m with you on the poison. I grew up on baloney, Velveeta, and Hostess.
#2 and #5 – right on target.
Try growing up with a Mom who has sisters … and her own Mom hanging around! Between my mother, aunts and my grandmother, I never had a chance. Not a chance. (No wonder my father drank.)
Mothers – or as I like to call them, skanks – are so messed up because they’re, like, dead. Totally! By giving birth you die – all of your own dreams, hopes and desires die when that screaming, slippery gob of joy comes flying out. Ah life… it’s just one big projection. Happy Skank Day!
Awww, how sweet! I can really tell how much you love your mom! But, hey, I won’t argue.
My mom called this morning to say that she got her card and “is that all?” Yes, mom, I’ve only saved up all my extra $$ so we can drive across the country to visit you!!
Dude, very nice. My mom has gotten so much better over the past five or six years that I had almost forgotten what a complete lunatic she used to be. Of course, we probably drove her to it, but still….
Let’s face it… Mom’s are crazy. It’s true… something happens to you when you get pregnant that turns you from a rational human being to a ranting raving crazy person.
Or…maybe that is just my mom. And maybe her craziness is my fault. damn… there’s that guilt again. 😛
My best friend and I have a pact to tell each other when we start acting like our Moms with our children. Unfortunately, we understand now and often condone Motherish behavior, even though we know we’re nuts.
I can’t think of anything to say, so I’ll just smile atcha, Neil.
One thing that I vouched when I became a mother was never to be like mine.
Hilarious, but…”Republican lesbian lover living in Portland, Oregon”? That creature does not exist – sorry! LOL
When did “my mother” become “my mom” in America?
A while ago, no?
I like “my mother” better. Thanks for using it most of the way through, Neil.
Happy “Moms” Day, anyway. In France it’s in March, so I didn’t remember, of course.
Neil, someone new to this blog could tell you are not Irish in an instant. No Irish son would ever think about saying something like this about his mother. All Irish sons know that their mothers are perfect in every way, and we know this because Mom tells us so, and she wouldn’t lie, would she? She’s our mom.
My mom pushed lots of Swanson tv dinners on me. That and Ramen noodles. But I forgave her and called her today anyways.
Heh…”You’re not allowed to get a tattoo, that’s not what women like you get! You’re going into law and are going to be sucessful!”
“Actually, mom, I’ve had a tattoo since 16.”
I won for once!
But my mother was, as I affectionately call her, A Big Swedish Bitch, or “The Battlecruiser”.
Thanks for pointing out, albeit humorously, that not all of us worship our mothers or think they are perfect, wonderful goddesses.
And “mommy blogs” make me want to hurl.
Hilarious! For some reason, even the out-of-focus picture of the mom running with her kid made me laugh.
this had me just about wetting my pants! Hysterical! I doubt you’ll even see this since it’s archived I’m enjoying my cruise through your pages tonight!
FROM WHAT YOU WROTE YOU MUST HAVE HAD OR HAVE A VERY STRONG LOVE FOR YOUR MOTHER. ONLY SOMEONE WHO HAS THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WOULD BE SO LIBERAL WHEN WRITING ABOUT MOM.VERY GOOD.
You are, by far, the biggest loser that has ever lived. I challange you to a debate on the reason for mothers. Obviously, yours has failed you and you are tainted in your view of mothers. What about father’s day??? How many have bailed out on their pregnant significant others? What about that, you coward? It has not happended to me…I just think you need to view the whole picture. Let’s meet face-to-face, or are you scared?
Giggity Giggity. Just what I needed this holiday season. You’re like the son I’m too young to have had.
I used to get a great laugh in Finland, when women would tell me that the boys have to go join the army “to grow up and learn to take care of themselves”. yes, that meant, they couldn’t lace their shoes, change bedsheets, iron a shirt, or find clean socks WITHOUT joining the army! My old chum there swore she would never marry a typical “Finnish man”, so she married and divorced a nasty Swede instead. Her half-Finn/half-Swede son is now becoming exactly like all the Finnish men: self-absorbed, silent, helpless in the face of real-life chores, suffocated by his Finnish mother.
Pathetic but… hilarious? The Irish? Don’t get me started! My brother (50) is destroyed by my Mom’s pampering.