History is filled with frauds: the Trojan Horse, Rasputin’s psychic act, Chris Daughtry being voted off American Idol — but nothing compares to the biggest fraud of them all — Mother’s Day!
What are we celebrating with this made-up holiday? And do mothers really deserve a holiday?
Yeah, I know these are dangerous questions. I know all about the “Mommy Bloggers” and how they pretty much run the Blogosphere. Listen, if you don’t hear from me after tomorrow, it’s because my computer and I are buried beneath some Babies-R-Us in Culver City, CA. Good luck getting any information from Jimmy “Dooce” Hoffa.
But let’s think about this “Mother Issue” calmly and rationally. Hear me out, then you can agree or disagree with my thesis that Moms have caused ALL of society’s woes.
1) Mothers are big nags.
Who can disagree with this? “Wear your hat!” “Wear your gloves!” “Wear your galoshes!” “You’re not going out wearing those jeans!” “You’re not getting a nose ring!” “Did you write that thank you note for that bar mitvah gift?” “Did you call Aunt Betsy and say Happy Birthday?” “Why not go on a second date with her?” “When are you having children?” “Why don’t you call me?”
Mothers say they nag because “they care.” I say, “Take some Prozac and get off our backs!”
2) Mothers prevent their daughters from having a healthy romantic relationship.
Think about your boyfriend or husband. Remind you of anyone? Yeah, that’s right. He’s just like that crazy guy your mother married — your father! For years, she complained about him. And now she’s brainwashed you into marrying the exact same type of man! If that’s not passive-aggressive, I don’t know what is.
3) Mothers prevent their sons from having a healthy romantic relationship.
Men, have you ever seen a photo of your mother when she was twenty-one and vacationing at the beach, and said to yourself, “Holy crap, she’s hot!” and then you look both ways to make sure no one saw you salivating over your own mother?
Admit it, there’s no one like your mother. And you know why? Because that’s the way she WANTS IT.
She’s like a devil woman! She sucks you into her web — well, actually you’re sucking milk from her breast, creating a bond that is unbreakable. When you’re feeling down, like when you dropped the fly ball to right field during the big Little League game and the rest of the team beat you up, she feeds you with your favorite — Kraft macaroni and cheese. When you’re sick, she brings you Spiderman comics and Mad Magazine. All the while, she is “setting you up” so you can never be happy with another woman! Can your wife really cook as well as your mother? Of course not. When you had a hard day at work, would your mother really bug you about fixing the leaky toilet in the upstairs bathroom? No way!
Like it or not, we are ALL Mama’s Boys.
Ladies, here’s a little secret, when your man is making love to you and screaming, “Oh, mama! Oh, mama!” — there’s a reason for that.
4) Mothers poison you.
Yes, Mom, that margarine you used to spread on my toast “instead of butter” is now known as Trans-Fatty Acids. The same with that Entenmann’s “Low-Fat” Chocolate Cake. All stuff that could kill you! Coincidence? And why did I never — EVER — see you once eat those Spaghetti-O’s you used to give me at lunch? Curious, isn’t it? How about next time you come visit me, I feed you some of those “Lucky Charms” cereal for breakfast? Huh?
5) Mothers make their children neurotic.
I used to believe “guilt” was a Jewish trait, but through blogging I have learned that this is a universal problem. Catholics, Hindus, Muslims, everyone feels guilty all the time. And everyone is miserable. And when we go to our therapists, what is the first thing we learn? Who is the real villain? Yes, “sweet” ol’ Mom!
6) Mothers ruin any chance of you having a happy family.
First of all, we all know about mother-in-laws and all the trouble they cause in a marriage. But your own mother is even more dangerous because she hides behind her innocent AARP smile.
Ask her some time, “What exactly is the grandmother’s role?”
“To spoil the grandchild.”
“I see. And why would a grandmother want to do that?”
“Simple. Because I want your kids to turn into annoying brats and make your life a living hell!”
It’s revenge! Revenge for the pains of childbirth. For the terrible twos! For those awful teenage years! For getting caught with that college boy in your bedroom! For you smoking pot! For the eighty thousand dollars she spent on you for college without even getting a thank-you!
It’s no wonder mothers just turn plain nasty!
Now I’m sure there are some new mothers out there saying, “Not me! Never me!”
I know who you are. I’ve seen your blogs. Here’s my one year old Melinda smiling. Here’s Melinda trying to say “DaDa.” Here’s Melinda playing with the dog. Here’s Melinda drooling. Sure, you’re proud of your child now. It’s a novelty. But wait until you’re a grandmother and Melinda has tattoos all over her body and is living with her Republican lesbian lover in Portland.
Payback time. That’s why they call it “the Golden Years.”
7) Mothers destroy your free will.
How many times are you doing something — fighting with your spouse or scolding your child — and you suddenly realize that you are acting just like your mother?
Have you ever seen The Manchurian Candidate? Brainwashing!
There is no hope for you. You are the puppet and your mother is the puppetmaster.
Of course, my Mom has a good sense of humor and makes a damn good brisket. She’s kind-hearted and doesn’t get too mad at me when I forget to mail her a Mother’s Day card. As mothers go, I could have done worse. So, I guess I will forgive her for serving me those Spaghetti-Os.
And she’s still as hot as when she was twenty-one and at Coney Island!
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!