Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

When I’m Sixty-Four

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Just in case you don’t believe that I’m living the ultimate Hollywood life, I went to a big red-carpet premiere last night.   Yes, Sophia got us free tickets to the opening night of "The Fab Four" at the Redondo Beach Performing Arts Center.  "The Fab Four" are Beatles impersonators.  No, actually, "Beatlemania" was first.  So, they are more accurately impersonators of the impersonators of the Beatles.  Surprisingly, they weren’t half-bad.  It was almost as if I was there seeing the original "Beatlemania." 

I’m pretty tired today and don’t feel much like blogging.   So, if you don’t mind, I’d like to introduce you to my impersonator, who will be taking over my duties today.

Neil Impersonator:  Hello, everyone.

Neil:  They’re all yours.

Neil Impersonator:  What do I write about?

Neil:  Just any shit.  They don’t care.

Neil Impersonator:  Give me a hint.  I’m really a florist by profession.   I don’t write much.

Neil:  Write about the show last night.

Neil Impersonator:  I didn’t even see it.

Neil:  Here’s the Playbill.

Neil Impersonator:  (leafing through the Playbill)  Look at all these ads — AARP, assisted living…

Neil:  Remember it is the Beatles.   Can you believe it’s been 40 years.  Most of the audience was 65 years old.  It was great seeing them screaming to "Revolution."

Neil Impersonator:  What’s this ad for with this smiling white-haired couple?  What’s "Reverse Mortgages?"

Neil:  I didn’t know either.  I had to ask Sophia.   Basically you give up your house to this "mortgage" company and they pay you every month to help you with the essentials. 

Neil Impersonator:  And what happens to the house?

Neil:  Apparently, when you die, they keep it.

Neil Impersonator:  What if you die the next day?

Neil:  Tough.  It’s a gamble.  Sounds pretty stupid to me.  The ad looks like it preys on the fears of older people.

Neil Impersonator:  So, this company is basically waiting for you to die.  Then, they celebrate because they just took your house.

Neil:  Exactly.  You think John Lennon would approve?

Neil Impersonator:  I don’t think a John Lennon impersonator of an impersonator would approve. 

27 Comments

  1. I think I saw The Fab Four a few years ago at Fox and Hounds – or was that Beatlemania. The drummer was a chick, I remember that because she hit on me in-line for the bathroom. They were great and had groovy costumes.

    On another note, it’s sad how many things I’m interested in that make me a target for AARP ads….and I’m not even 45 much less 65!

  2. Now that’s funny. I wish I had an impersonator. He could sit through boring meetings for me. He could visit my relatives for me. He could take a prostate exam for me! What a great idea!

  3. I’m Anne’s impersonator. I’m worried she’ll want back her place soon.

  4. I’ve seen these guys once they were pretty decent, but I wasn’t very impressed with the part of the show where they did Sgt. Peppers’. But I really have no right to judge how good of an impersonation job they did. Heck, I was 3 when John Lennon died.

  5. There’s a group of Beatle impersonators in A’ville who call themselves Yesterday’s Tomorrow. They are high school students, and are fucking incredible. They were invited to play The Cave in Liverpool this August and sold out three shows!

    Been busy, Neil? You’re so damn popular these days. What kind of hittage you getting?

  6. I need an impersonator for myself too. Is this something you can get at the store?

    I’m desperate for some time off!

  7. I could use an impersonator too! Someone to go to all those annoying Baby and Wedding showers I have coming up. Maybe my impersonator could buy the gifts too. Ahhh what a great idea. I bet they don’t come cheap though, huh?

  8. I just wanted to tell you I still regularly read your blog even though I don’t comment.

  9. Ubermilf — you just commented. Hah! The irony is that I still comment on your blog, but don’t read it.

  10. I have my impersonator read your blog and then act it out for me. It is quite entertaining.

  11. I wouldn’t have envisioned your impersonator being a florist. I was thinking something more along the lines of croc hunter. Hmmm.

  12. I just saw ads on TV for the “reverse mortgage.” I didn’t quite understand it. Now I know. It’s like you’re slowly selling your house to someone.

    Bad news.

  13. So let me get this straight. You are into fashion. You like ice skating. You watch All My Children. And your impersonator is a florist.
    Run Sophia, run!

  14. Originally, he was a butcher, but then I remembered I have two vegetarian readers and didn’t want to upset them.

  15. “What do I write about?”
    “Just any shit. They don’t care.”

    Haha… that part cracked me up! It’s so true. You can write about any shit – like reverse mortgages and old folks going to the impersonators of the impersonators, and you’ll still make me laugh.

    So, what does the Neil impersonator suggest for the type of flowers to be given on a date? I bet HE’D know the right answer to that question from way back when. 🙂

  16. Despite the Beatles stuff, I really do get pissed off at stuff like reverse mortgages that prey on older people’s fears. You ever see that commercial with Alex Trebek and Ed McMahon for some phony medical/life insurance scam?

    I take it personally because my father is a little bit of a sucker — and I would be, too, if I didn’t know better. My father is the type who always takes those extended warranties on everything. Last time I was home, I saw he was spending 300 bucks a year to insure two 10 year old TVs.

    “What the hell are you doing?” I asked him.

    “They said if it breaks, the guy would charge hundreds of dollars to fix it.”

    “How long have you had this TV”

    “Ten years”

    “Have you ever had to call anyone?”

    “No.”

    “TVs don’t have tubes anymore. If it breaks — you through the piece of shit away and get another one.”

    “How would I get it to the house?”

    “You can buy a TV on Amazon.com and they will deliver it to you!”

    “They will? To the house? What about the warranty”

    He is the overly trusting type who would go for this stupid reverse mortgage unless my mother (and Sophia) talked sense into him.

  17. I’m also morally opposed to warrantees. But I still get scared every time I say and would probably buckle to the pressure of the salesmen except that my husband would kill me. He used to represent the people that offer to warrantee items, and said that he saw how fat and rich these guys get off the fears of people…. But, I still feel nervous when I have to decline.

  18. had Sophia asked to be given free tickets or were they just given to her randomly?

  19. Sophia has connections in high places at the Redondo Beach community.

  20. What happens if your impersonator gets a wild idea and goes and does something stupid like actually looting the IHOP, and then you are the one who gets busted by the cops? What happens then?

  21. Bella, that would be more or a problem with clones. If you look at the Fab Four, you see that impersonators don’t necessarily look the same. “Paul McCartney” looks nothing like Paul McCartney. I just wanted to clarify the distinction in case you ever decide to get your own Bella impersonator.

  22. Jenny,

    Sophia didn’t ask for the tickets and didn’t even want to go all that much…

  23. I bet when everyone screamed it brought back Beatlemania memories… until you saw Justin Timberlake take his seat in the VIP section

  24. soaps, figure skating & now your alt.self as a florist? ho hum.

  25. yeah i was wondering about that…i really have to ask myself why you wanted to go in the first place…

  26. If Neil wasn’t singing and clapping along as they sang “I Want to Hold Your Hand,” I would’ve left after the first song.

  27. i’m likin’ Sophia more and more…

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