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Dear Lord,

Thank you, Lord, for my health and the health of my family and friends.  Thank you for the Earth and its abundance.  Thank you for creating the blogosphere and the bloggers who have bid in the charity auction, especially the generous person who pledged $105 dollars in order to be wined and dined by me, even when I admitted I haven’t been on a normal date in years.  

Of course, V-day is a worthy cause, Lord, because it is all about women and without women, men would still be stuck in the Garden of Eden picking their noses and belching.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Lord, but I’m not totally satisfied with the $105 dollar bid.  I have two very expensive university degrees and have actually read James Joyce’s Ullysses from beginning to end.  I took a semester of Latin in college (well, it was mostly because some girl I liked was in the class, but at least I attended some of the classes).  I know a few card tricks and I am well-known for my fine retelling of “knock-knock” jokes.  That alone should be worth another ten bucks. 

Is $115 dollars too much to ask?

Your friend, Neil

Update from Neil — This just in:   An actual testimony to my character from an unbiased individual:

“Neil is extremely charming.   He is the perfect dinner companion.  I would recommend him to anyone!” — Elaine Kramer, Flushing, NY