Have you ever noticed that whenever there is fashion advice given in a woman’s magazine, it is always written by… a woman? I find this discriminatory, as if 50% of the population had no opinion on the matter.
In honor of New York Fashion Week, I asked YOU, some of my female readers, to ask me — a straight male — some of your pressing fashion questions.
Question: Are there any cute alternatives to skinny jeans this season? — Mary C, Phoenix, Arizona
I wouldn’t wear skinny jeans because I’m not THAT skinny anymore, considering my love for bagels and pizza, so why would I ask you to wear pants that squeezes your ass together like a tight package of kosher salami? I’m not cruel. Women should just wear more short skirts to show off their legs.
Question: What the heck should I wear on a first date with a nice guy from the office? – Beth M, New Rochelle, New York
Show cleavage. Or wear a tight sweater. While I do not recommend skinny jeans or tight pants because I believe in a woman’s comfort from the waist down, I make an exception for the tight sweater in the upper half of the body. Buy a good bra. And comb your hair. If you have long hair, it is always good to have some of it drape onto your shoulder, seductively, like Lana Turner did in that old black and white movie, the name of which I don’t remember, but is always playing on Turner Classic Movies at three in the morning. Also, if you are going sleeveless, have a little bit of bra strap showing as a tease. But not TOO much. Don’t have your boobs hanging out if he is such a nice guy. He will be intimidated.
Question: I need a new going-out bag, on the cheap. Help! — Latrissa W, Miami, Florida
Seriously. No one cares ONE IOTA what type of bag you carry. No one even notices it. Why should anyone care what type of bag you carry, unless we know that there is a kinky sex toy inside, or a lot of cash and you’re paying for our dinner, or a stash of cocaine in the side pocket, which means you are either a drug dealer, which is a little exciting and dangerous, but ultimately scary and off-putting, or a drug user, and we know that type of relationship never ends well. So, my recommendation is to just pick up any cheapo bag at Target or from an illegal street vendor, and stop wasting your time worrying over useless stuff like your BAG. Or, for that matter, your nails. No man has ever said, “Check out her newly-colored nails!” Instead, spend time thinking about how you are going to show a little bit of your bra strap on the shoulder. That’s way more important, in a fashion sense.
Hope that helped. Keep on sending those questions, so I can serve up some more closet advice! Ciao!
Note: I am currently available for writing assignments at Glamour and Cosmopolitan magazines.