Have you ever noticed that whenever there is fashion advice given in a woman’s magazine, it is always written by… a woman? I find this discriminatory, as if 50% of the population had no opinion on the matter.
In honor of New York Fashion Week, I asked YOU, some of my female readers, to ask me — a straight male — some of your pressing fashion questions.
Your Fashion Expert
Question: Are there any cute alternatives to skinny jeans this season? — Mary C, Phoenix, Arizona
I wouldn’t wear skinny jeans because I’m not THAT skinny anymore, considering my love for bagels and pizza, so why would I ask you to wear pants that squeezes your ass together like a tight package of kosher salami? I’m not cruel. Women should just wear more short skirts to show off their legs.
Question: What the heck should I wear on a first date with a nice guy from the office? – Beth M, New Rochelle, New York
Show cleavage. Or wear a tight sweater. While I do not recommend skinny jeans or tight pants because I believe in a woman’s comfort from the waist down, I make an exception for the tight sweater in the upper half of the body. Buy a good bra. And comb your hair. If you have long hair, it is always good to have some of it drape onto your shoulder, seductively, like Lana Turner did in that old black and white movie, the name of which I don’t remember, but is always playing on Turner Classic Movies at three in the morning. Also, if you are going sleeveless, have a little bit of bra strap showing as a tease. But not TOO much. Don’t have your boobs hanging out if he is such a nice guy. He will be intimidated.
Question: I need a new going-out bag, on the cheap. Help! — Latrissa W, Miami, Florida
Seriously. No one cares ONE IOTA what type of bag you carry.  No one even notices it. Why should anyone care what type of bag you carry, unless we know that there is a kinky sex toy inside, or a lot of cash and you’re paying for our dinner, or a stash of cocaine in the side pocket, which means you are either a drug dealer, which is a little exciting and dangerous, but ultimately scary and off-putting, or a drug user, and we know that type of relationship never ends well. So, my recommendation is to just pick up any cheapo bag at Target or from an illegal street vendor, and stop wasting your time worrying over useless stuff like your BAG. Or, for that matter, your nails. No man has ever said, “Check out her newly-colored nails!” Instead, spend time thinking about how you are going to show a little bit of your bra strap on the shoulder. That’s way more important, in a fashion sense.
Hope that helped. Keep on sending those questions, so I can serve up some more closet advice! Ciao!
Note:Â I am currently available for writing assignments at Glamour and Cosmopolitan magazines.
I can’t believe you’re giving us all this great fashion advice for free.
Not everything is about monetization and making a quick buck off of blogging, Marinka. Or getting on some trumped up “Funniest Parenting Blog” list. Some of us still blog because we CARE!
I don’t even know you but aft that unique advice, I’m thinking perhaps you should write a womans sex column. Your perspective I different.
The Sartorialist had better watch his back. There’s a new guy in town.
More importantly, do you know that woman in the photo? or is it just a stock photo from somewhere? She looks EXACTLY like my next ex-wife!
Uh-oh, that would be too funny if it was! Yes, I grabbed a stock photo and forgot to give credit, something I once wrote a whole post about, promising I would never do again! I think I google searched “fashion woman,” and this showed up.
I wholeheartedly agree with all of this. Surprisingly, even the bra strap thing. Of course, I’m wearing a skirt that I’ve had since 1997 and old maternity sweater right now, and many feel that kind of thing means I don’t get fashion.
I also have a reminder to buy chicken feed written on my hand, but I think of that more as an artistic statement.
Gotta disagree on the bra-strap thing.
In principle, it’s like seeing those strings holding up the Martian spaceship on an old sci-fi B movie. Women put on make-up and clothes, among other reasons, to deceive us. We’re supposed to believe breasts are higher and more “ideally” shaped than they actually are. Whatever pleasure I get from appreciating shapeliness is destroyed when shown tangible evidence that it’s an illusion.
I can remember, in adolescence, when catching a glimpse of lycra WAS exciting. You were seeing something you weren’t supposed to. These days, so many parade bits of underwear, excitement has diminished to nil: O.K., I get it; you’re wearing a bra.
Conversely, a bare shoulder is alluring, evidence of no bra. (Yes, I know there are strapless bras, but with no countervailing evidence before me, I enjoy the deception.)
So it’s pointless for me to get a pedicure before my gynecologist appointment?
I think “Buy a good bra” is very funny. I’m surprised that you know the diff between a pretty bra & a supportive one.
I know more about bras than you would think.
You are so not gay.
Wow, I’m surprised by the bag advice. I was under the impression that after a certain age a woman was only as attractive as her best accessory. So what do you think about shoes?
With that skirt, do you suggest boots?
I must be getting old. I can’t bothered to wear a skirt to work most days anymore. Do you know how hard that is to do when it’s 15 effing degrees outside?
Loved the bag answer. I am one of “those” bag lovers. Now I just don’t care. I recently moved to a very small rural village… maybe it’s considered a hamlet now since there are no fast food places or even a stop light and one lone town cop. But I still love bags. Curious to know what you think about the “right” color of nail polish???