the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Keep Those Jerks Gay!

I am furious at Walmart. Livid. Let me explain.

I’m not having an easy time lately. I’m like a wounded animal away from Sophia. Yesterday, I went to the dentist, and arrived too early, so I had to sit in the waiting room for an hour and read the office’s collection of Cosmo magazines.

The trouble began with the hygienist, Natalya (another Russian chick! what is it with these Russian women?!). As she cleared my plaque, I looked into her eyes, which wasn’t difficult since the rest of her face was covered with a gauze-like mask, so I could ONLY see her eyes, and as I gazed into those watery pools of Russian soul, I wondered if she had read the same Cosmo that I just had in the waiting room.

“I wonder if her va-jay-jay is as untamed as the Siberian forest?” I said to myself.

During my wait for her, I perused much more than this one article. I also enjoyed a tutorial on how to best make love on your washing machine.

Coincidentally, washing machines had been on my mind lately, ever since I went to this mommyblogger-type Whirlpool-Maytag luncheon in Manhattan two weeks ago (I was invited! Why?!) , which I completely forgot to blog about until now.

One of the highlights of the afternoon was seeing this $2000 Whirpool washer that came with an included USB cord in the back (Twitter during the wash?).  Imagine the kinky stuff you could do with the Cosmo washing machine sex technique in combination with the USB cord. I can only imagine what is going to be on Facebook in the future.

Before you get too upset with me with the direction of this post, let me assure you that my mind is not only filled with lurid fantasies about unshaven pussies and front loading washers, although there is some funny double entendre there somewhere.

No, I also think about love. I miss being in love. Playing cards with Sophia. Even fighting over doing the dishes. But I need to be careful not to fall in love again too quickly. But that will come. I will be patient. I look to the future with optimism. I don’t need to rush. There are always women out there for me. Wonderful women.  Despite my many insecurities, I feel confident that I could effectively compete with the other men out there looking for the same thing. I understand the concept of the survival of the fittest. Like a peacock, I am readying my multi-colored plume.

And now to Walmart.  It’s simple.

The management consists of a bunch of selfish pricks.  I just read this today — Walmart is starting to stock a dopey religious-oriented book which allegedly cures gays from their homosexuality.

What the f*ck is wrong with you people? I know who you are, Walmart management. You are suburban white men, married with children, living in nice white-picketed homes. But what about me?  Clearly you forgot what it is like to be single, trying to pick up a Marissa Tomei look-alike in a short skirt at the Museum of Modern Art cafeteria during the Matisse exhibit on a Sunday afternoon, not that I would know anything about that first hand!

You ever hear of UNFAIR COMPETITION? Do you think a guy like me has any freakin’ chance with a really SMOKING HOT BABE, when she can go out INSTEAD with a cultured good-looking guy who likes to cook, clean, decorate the house — and has great six-pack-abs to boot — YES, I’m talking about the formerly gay guy who has turned straight after reading your book!

I SAY — KEEP THOSE F**KING gay dudes GAY! Who needs those arrogant assholes with their designer clothes and references to classic American musicals vying for the same women as us, clueless straight guys?  It’s like the New York Yankees playing the New York Mets!  We have no chance in hell to win the game.  Especially in a city like New York.  They even have nicer apartments!  Give these gay guys the skill — and worse — THE URGE — to f*ck our women, and the rest of us might as well just kill ourselves.

STOP WALMART FROM TRYING TO CURE GAY MEN. We do NOT want them competing for our women!  Vote now!  Please, share this on Twitter and Facebook.  Change your avatar to Dark Blue. Wear Dark Blue tomorrow.  Wear Dark Blue to Help Us Protect Straight Men from Gay Men Turned Straight.

Disclaimer: This message has been approved by Straight Men of America Afraid that the Hot Chicks Might Like the Gay Dudes Better Than Us if They Were Cured of Their Homosexuality!

Some van that almost ran me over yesterday in McDonald’s parking lot.


  1. Finn

    Walmart is the devil.

  2. Suebob

    Ah Neil, as usual you have an interesting twist on the subject. But as a straight woman, I know that as soon as gay guys turned straight, they would start leaving their socks on the bathroom floor, decorating with auto parts calendars and watching bass fishing shows on TV.

  3. Bon

    you crack me up. may all the gay men stay happily gay (really, no self-respecting stereotypical gay mean would be caught DEAD at Walmart anyway) so in god’s good time you can find yourself a nice untamed woman to play cards with.

  4. Camille

    If I could have one wish come true it would be that Walmart never existed.

    …Okay, maybe it wouldn’t be my very first wish. But it would be on my top ten list for sure. HORRIBLE.

  5. V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios

    I’m still stuck on the laundry room sex. That whole putting her legs over his shoulders thing is so stupid. And uncomfortable. I mean, she’s folded in half, she has no support for her back and her tailbone is going to be, um, *banging* on the edge of the dryer. Of course she could bend over the dryer, but then that defeats the fun of the vibrations and she might have the, um, *knob* mashing into her belly, but at least she could easily use her iPhone in that position…

  6. meredith

    i do so love your twists.

  7. Karl

    I can’t believe this shit. I’m holding my breath till the gays are cured, which makes me dark blue in solidarity.

  8. Mike Krause

    This is spot on. Good job, Neil Fuck Walmart

  9. Neil

    V-grrl — also, if I am paying $1000 dollar for a washer and dryer, the last thing I want to do is bounce around on top of it it, putting it on tilt and having to call in the Maytag repairman to fix it. And I don’t know about you, but my washing machine is in my garage, which is dusty, crowded, and very very unsexy.

    Now I know why the Maytag repairman used to be so lonely — years ago, magazines didn’t tell their readers to go have sex on the washing machine. The machines were just used to wash your clothes!

  10. ilinap

    I’m too much of a neat freak to get my vajayjay anywhere near my washing machine.
    Aside from that, I love this post. And I hate Walmart.

  11. Erika

    LOVE this post. Hilarious.

  12. GrandeMocha

    Love this! I love hanging out with gay men. If they become straight, their wives/girlfriends won’t let them shop & do lunch with me. STOP THE MADNESS!

  13. Shieldmaiden1196

    How the hell tall are these men that are able to get things going with the woman sitting on top of the dryer? I can tell you that if we tried that Himself would probably get his wedding tackle caught in the door. And those expensive ones? Forget it, unless they come with a color-coordinating naughty stepladder.

  14. Juli Ryan

    I thought dirty girls did it on the washing machine, not the dryer. Wouldn’t the dryer be too hot?

    Of course, I also thought we were supposed to tame our forests. I guess I should read Cosmo more often.

  15. denise

    you are awesome.

  16. Aimee @ Ain't Yo Mama's Blog

    Ha! Well if that isn’t the best argument against this whole gay-to-straight ridiculousness, than I don’t know what it. And it’s also one of the better arguments to stay out of Walmart.

  17. headbang8

    When those gay guys who turn straight work out how much less sex they’re getting, they’ll be back.

  18. sweetsalty kate

    ilinap – wait. You’re a neat freak about what? Your vajayjay, or your washer?

  19. mamie

    i was having a kinda crap ass day until i read this. now i know that i am totally with it by leaving the vag untamed, it is not laziness, it is HIP!

    also i know that i will most definitely not be having any kind of relations on top of the new maytag we just procured because it is really tall and tim is not. plus it cost a lot of money and we do not want it to break.

    i already knew i hated Walmart..but thanks for giving me another reason to keep the fire burning.

    the love shall come, my friend.

  20. Shannon

    Oh my God, I knew it. I KNEW I wasn’t the only chick out there going Sasquatch! Thank you for the confirmation, Neil. And thanks for the laugh. This is freaking hilarious!

  21. Petgirl

    Hmm…maybe you should write a pamphlet on how to cure straight men from their heterosexuality, and quietly slip it onto the Walmart bookshelves?

  22. wench

    Love ya dollface.

    A most magnificent birthday smile you have provided me;)

    That’s some seriously ridonkulous miscellaneous trash Wally is floggin’.

    Always have loved the girls curls, a little trim sure, but no itchy scratchy regrowth for the lovely lady bits.

  23. Blaiser

    Viva la fabulosity, my pro-gay brother.

    Wal*Mart needs to be the site of some serious site-specific performance arty kind of protest thing. Fucksticks…

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