Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Big Brains

My brain is so slow today after this mega cold, that I am going to have to slum it here on the blog again today and write something cheap and unnecessary, with no redeeming value to humanity. Unlike the rest of the year.

I picked up an old Glamour magazine in the makeshift “library” we have in our apartment building next to the compactor room. Nicole Kidman is on the front cover. Anne Hathaway is on the back cover – an ad for Lancome’s Magnifique. Neither of these actresses appeals to me, but hey, the magazine is free!

As I perused through the magazine, the article that most caught my attention was “Guys’ Weird New Habits: Why? Why?” In the article, the magazine’s “intrepid” sex reporters answered the questions that women want to know, such as “Why are Guys Getting Waxed There?” “Why are Young Guys Getting Vasectomies?” and “Why are Guys Obsessed with Making Sex Tapes?” Being a guy, I already knew the answers to these questions, so I skipped those, but I was stumped by this one: “Why are Guys so Amused by “Braining”?”

I have never heard of “braining.”

“Men love to play practical jokes one one another – and the latest prank is “braining.” If you’re not familiar with it, here’s how it works: A guy falls asleep after drinking. His buddy – the “brainer” – takes out just his testicles. which on their own, resemble a mini brain, and places them next to the snoozer’s face. (The positioning of the big kahuna varies.) Then he points a camera downward, snaps a photo of the spectcle and posts it on his Facebook page!”

Huh? So basically you show everyone you know on Facebook YOUR OWN testicles, and this is a joke you are playing on the sleeping guy?

I do remember in camp, putting a sleeping person’s hand in a bucket of water so the sleeping guy starts feeling the urge to pee, but I don’t remember if this “stunt” ever actually worked.

Men are stupid.

36 Comments

  1. No, you’re not the only one that has never heard of this and now I’m scarred for life. Now excuse me while I go look through some pictures on Facebook.

  2. Um, braining someone = hitting them in the head. I don’t know what this nonsense is, and I really hate it when people appropriate existing words for new, er, practices. Make up your own goddamn word, Glamour!

  3. Um Neil? I think I was a better person BEFORE I knew what braining was. You have scarred me.

  4. It may be the cold medicine laughing, but the fact that the intrepid reporters think guys are “obsessed” with this practice is really tickling my funny bone.

  5. Okay, when my husband gets home, I’m going to have to say, “Can I please see your testicles right now? I want to see if they look like a brain.” Because I never noticed a resemblance.

    And when he says, “WTF?” I’m going to send him your way.

  6. This gives a whole new meaning to ‘thinking with your cock’!

    I’m so happy I don’t drink anymore.

  7. I wouldn’t call Glamour the authority on anything, let alone men.

  8. When I read that, I thought the guys were taking their testicles out OF THEIR SCROTUMS. And I was all “Gross!” and “How can they do that???” and “Wouldn’t that be considered a rather severe injury–castration, in fact?”

    But then I re-read your post, and it kind of made sense.

    But not completely. So I think you should find a drunk friend and show us exactly what you mean.

  9. It’s counting coup, but with testicles.

    Because the idea is the victim is the kind of guy who wouldn’t want testicles anywhere near his face, so…gotcha! You’ve had testicles near your face! Pwned!

    Not sure why it has to be testicles rather than, say, a scorpion, though.

  10. Let’s hope that those young men who think testicles look like brains don’t end up going to medical school and becoming neurosurgeons.

  11. Um, yep, men ARE stupid. Why do they do shit like this? And now I can’t get the visual out of my mind. Thanks for that Neil!

  12. wow… men are…. men. wow.

  13. What?? That is something a desperate Glamour writer completely made up. I’m willing to stake my life on the fact that “braining” does not exist. Yuck.

  14. P.S. Stop reading Glamour.

  15. I remember that in HS, or was it college?, that some of the guys would ‘hang brain’ at parties. Some would walk around like that for hours until someone noticed.

    Huh?

  16. I’m afraid to go to sleep now

  17. I absolutely do not get it. I mean, I completely get your post, but ‘braining’? I think this article was created so that people like me could comment: WTF?

  18. I thought I kinda had the current market on WTF Fridays, Neil, but you totally outdid me. WTF????

  19. Of course, the irony is that no one appears smarter after this…

  20. That sounds pretty gay. In every sense of the word.

  21. Sounds like the antics of a gay frat boy!

  22. How about putting shaving cream in someone’s hand while they are sleeping and tickling their nose with a feather.

  23. Wilma to Fred (while sleeping): “Buy me a mink coat, buy me a mink coat”

  24. Braining sounds like an updated version of tea bagging — or is that different? I know the male population of my prep school was stupid for tea bagging.

  25. What happens with tea bagging? I’ve heard of it, but not exactly sure…

  26. I’ll ask my ex. He and his friends still joke about it. Fond memories and whatnot.

  27. tea-bagging involves putting your balls in the other guy’s mouth.

    Again: “You don’t like the thought of balls in your mouth! Here’s some balls in your mouth! Pwned!”

    And also again: why not a scorpion?

  28. Is this for real? It’s beyond stupid.

  29. It’s lucky that you discovered that men are stupid while you are still relatively young. I’ve known it for many years.

  30. never heard of it or that tea bagging thing.

  31. I don’t want to generalize, but I think there is a part of the male brain that is yet undiscovered. A part which doesn’t mature with the man, but instead stays juvenile.

  32. That explains why they are waxing down there.

  33. You’re right. Men ARE stupid….but we love them anyway.

  34. “Men are stupid.”

    such beautiful writing, Neil. some of your best! ;P

  35. Glamour sounds like they ar pretty hard up for news.

  36. I’ve heard about this before but never heard it called “braining” Heard it called “tea bagging” But never “braining” Also some good advice don’t google tea bagging.

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