the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

The Cheap Web-cam

I showered.  I shaved.  I trimmed.  I combed.  I brushed.  I flossed.  I tweezed.  I washed.  I dressed, wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and those new colorful new boxer briefs I bought two days ago at Target.

I waited all morning, my new web-cam at my side.  I felt ready, confident.  I had practiced the striptease earlier in front of the mirror, moondancing to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.”  And most importantly, I felt good about the terrific bargain I had gotten at Radio shack — a web-cam at 75% off.  Suddenly, her name popped up in Yahoo Messenger.  It was time! 

Now, have you ever read an O. Henry story, where there is a twist at the end?  

Consider this a tale of bad karma.   After bragging about my new web-cam for a week, when the time came to use it, I couldn’t even get it up and working! 

I plugged it into the USB slot, and NOTHING.  After a half hour of fiddling with the camera and the drivers, I found some online forum that told me this piece of Radio Shack/Web-Cam for Dummies crap was incompatible with Windows Vista!

Moral of the story:  Don’t be cheap in matters of the heart.  Or if you want to strip online with a web-cam, buy a Mac.

(Truth Quotient:  4%.   There is absolutely nothing true in this story except for buying this useless, incompatible  web-cam at Radio Shack.  No wonder why it was so cheap!)


  1. Black Hockey Jesus

    Lies on a blog are FORMS of truth, Neil.

  2. Lucy

    Naughty nerds are grand! (Me included.)

  3. natalie

    i knew you wouldn’t strip for the camera. the neil i’ve been reading for the last 6 months would never do something like that. black hockey jesus…well…he might.

  4. Neil

    Natalie — I wish I were more of the stripping type, but alas. I’m more likely to look at the woman on the other side and fall in love with her eyes. So, don’t EVER put a web-cam on for me — anyone!

  5. Jane

    “…when the time came to use it, I couldn’t even get it up and working!”

    It just goes this way sometimes, Neil. It will be all right. Don’t let it effect your self-esteem. You can try again tomorrow.

  6. V-Grrrl

    Now you’re all dressed up and ready to watch Internet porn. The girls expect that, you know.

  7. Christine

    Maybe you should have another contest and give it away to someone who can get it up and working.


  8. John

    Well Neil, your moonwalk will be all the more perfected by the time you yell “Action!”

  9. miguelina

    I don’t believe you. I think the story is all true. Admit it!

  10. Black Hockey Jesus

    NEIL!!! You go to my site talking about ME looking for mommyblogger action while you’re over here talking about how sensitive you are?!? Fall in love with her eyes?!? Neil. [shaking my head] Neil.

  11. Neil

    Black Hockey Jesus — I’m separated, desperate, and horny. I have an excuse for playing up my sensitivity to manipulate the women. What’s your excuse?

  12. Mrs. G.

    “…when the time came to use it, I couldn’t even get it up and working!”

    Have you heard the latest news about watermelon? Just kidding.

  13. Neil

    Mrs. G — I didn’t know about watermelon until I googled it. I hear that watermelon is great for several health reasons, even to ward off cancer…

    But this makes it even more special. Woo-hoo, this is going to be one wild summer at the county fairs!

    And I hate when people say “just kidding.” The joke is much better without it. Believe me, you could have said a million things worse.

  14. DutchBitch

    Nooooo you just need a webcam that is specifically compatible with Vista and there’s plenty around. I have one!

    But then, getting a Mac is cewl too 😉

  15. better safe than sorry

    you tweezed?

  16. Lady Jaye

    *WHEW* I thought I was going to be able to be the first recipient of your strip-tease!

  17. Annie

    Yeah, what exactly did you tweeze Neil?
    We would all like to know :-).

  18. Stacey

    I guess the sort of people who have Windows Vista aren’t supposed to be the sort of people who have fantasies of being a stripper.

  19. Black Hockey Jesus

    My excuse isn’t action, Neil. I get laid freaking constantly. I’m trying to get people to notice my writing so I can become independently wealthy and have the world rain Ninetendo Wiis.

  20. Nat

    The moral of every technological story or woe is always to buy a Mac!

  21. TRO

    I started to order a webcam once, but the customer service rep said that the “makes things look bigger than they actually are” lens wasn’t in stock.

  22. Otir

    So that’s why I waited for you, panting and hopeful, on Seesmic, and never saw you arrive. You are forgiven. Buy a Mac. Change life, for good sake!

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