the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

This Time, It’s For the Women

The big question on my mind after yesterday’s post was “What type of pornography do women like?”  After doing extensive research and interviewing several female bloggers on Facebook chat while offering unsuccessfully to show them my new “web-cam,” I now can present the results. 

The methology used was completely scientific, and included questions such as, “What do you fantasize about when you make love to your husband?” and “What visual stimuli gives you the most intense orgasm?”


  1. crashtestmommy

    Definitely the bag.
    Never have been a big Jake G fan. Incidentally, is that a mug shot? snort.

  2. Leesa

    Eh.. I’ll pass on the shoes, but chocolate and Jake’s a nice choice.

  3. John

    Hahaha. Oh Jesus. You had to go and open the flood gates didn’t you Neil. I’ve already heard a fair share of comments to the effect of “wanting Jake Gyllenhaal wrapped in a spinach tortilla,” etc., etc. Glad to know at least crashtestmommy doesn’t want to eat him. I would feel better about being with a woman who fantasized about sparkly shoes rather than Jake.

  4. ingrid

    i’ll just take jake. thanks. nomnomnom. (actually quite surprised, perhaps naively, to my reaction to that picture.) oh but yummy…

  5. Poppy

    My pornography comes almost exclusively from here. That orange is sexxxxxxxy. RAWR.

    I hate shopping for clothes and accessories and shoes, btw. Blech.

  6. natalie

    none of those things does it for me. i think i’ll just leave it at that…leave you guessing.

  7. buzzgirl

    Jake, please.

  8. MammaLoves

    Well I prefer Patrick Dempsey, but Jake’s not so bad.

  9. V-Grrrl

    Jake. But the other night I had a dream about Patrick Dempsey and you know, he’s OK too.

    I don’t like to shop, but Neil, last week I read the results of some research/survey that indicated women spend more time thinking about shopping than sex.

    Those women? Perverts.

    I never think about shopping, and I always think about……..

  10. Noelle

    Well, you lost me on this one. Not that I’d reject any of those items (except the shoes, ouch!) it’s just that is not what it takes to get me aroused.

  11. Why thank you! I’ll take one of each.

  12. skcitygirl

    so i actually did get excited when i saw the bag. my pulse quickened.

    i think you’re going to find jake was the wrong man. while he is attractive there are so many other celebrity men who would excite a girl more than jake.

    but you were right on shoes and a bag do it for me every time.

  13. Pumpkin

    You will have to ask my husband about that one. 😉

  14. zombie mom

    I am all about the shoes and then the purse – I can pass on the chocolate and Jake…. and I had to choose one – the shoes for sure…

    That said, I once tagged along on a writing gig that was all about porn made for women by women. It was a total trip..

  15. followthatdog

    The chocolate looks good, but you have the wrong guy. How about George Clooney instead.

  16. linda woods

    OMG definitely NOT Jake or those hideous shoes. The chocolate is good, tho.

  17. Karen Sugarpants

    None of the above. I prefer not to think…. 😉

  18. Florencia

    I have to say it’s kinda odd for you to be thinking about porn so much while living with your mother. Just sayin’…

  19. Megan

    I’m afraid I find Jake Gyllenhall incredibly ugly. Honestly I cannot see why he is a sex symbol. A good actor, sure, but ugly as fuck!

    You should post Ralph Fiennes instead. 🙂

  20. mommypie

    Believe it or not I loathe shopping. And chocolate? Eh, I’m more of a SweetTarts kind of gal.

    But Jake? Gimme a spoon. YUM. That mugshot is hot.

  21. anymommy

    Thanks, Neil. A good offering. But what you need is more selection. Different women respond to different abs, uh I mean fantasies. Jake isn’t my thing.

    Here you go – a little variety:

  22. Diane

    Oh, please, the SHOES, definitely.

  23. Rhi

    For sure the bag. FOR SURE.

  24. Jane

    Florencia cracked me up.

    Shoes – not my style
    Bag – um, no.
    Godiva – only if it were the actual chocolates and not the biscuits.
    Jake – not my choice of gender.

    Now, maybe if you had shown V-Grrrl, wearing a smart pair of Doc Martens and holding a sackful of French baguettes and a box of Italian chocolates… Maybe then I could get a little excited. As it is, yawn to all of the above.

  25. ACG

    My happy thought:

    Heading over to Jake’s house in my new shoes and my bag full of Godiva.

    And I leave my new shoes on… just my new shoes.

    (and he wears a Star of David in my happy thoughts)

  26. ali

    ew. NOT jake. ew.
    but, i do appreciate his chevrons. 🙂

  27. kenju

    Well…..not THOSE shoes or bag….but definitely that is in the right vicinity! Never been a Jake fan, but there are plenty of guys that can do it for me…LOL

  28. Jane

    BTW? My favorite kind of porn?

    The interactive kind. 🙂

  29. Loralee

    Yup, pretty much. The porn that will not get you banned from Google or create religious groups to circulate petitions.

  30. Therese

    GREAT. Now I am lusting after chocolate, and that bag. Lllllluuuuuuussssssssttttttiiiinnnnnnnggg.

  31. Neil

    And a special award goes to John at Buddha on the Road for being the only man tough enough to comment on this post.

    Women, check him out. He’s not bad-looking either.

  32. miguelina

    Me likey the bag.

  33. Bec

    The shoes – not into that much pain.
    The bag – that’s not big enough for my MacBook
    The biscuits – too small and far too much ‘pollutant’ of the chocolate
    The Gyllenhall – he’s just not David Tennant.

    But good try. Now drill me drill me drill me!

  34. Mattie

    Nope. No quickening of the heart. No sounds of my heart pounding in my ears.


  35. HeyJoe

    I just came. Um, I mean, where are the tits Neil? You going fem on us or what?

  36. Non-Highlighted Heather

    Hahaha. This elicited some great comments. I’ll take Jake any day. Or his sister for that matter. But not at the same time, they might think that was kinda ooky.

  37. MCS

    That’s about right . . . Now get them for me!

  38. Ellen Bloom

    Yes to all of the above as stimulants. HOWEVER, what REALLLLLY turns me on is this slide show of yarn:

    Oooooo, baby, baby!

  39. TRO


    When are you going to give up trying to figure out what turns women on? Or even trying to understand them in general It’s a losing battle. No man has ever won it.

    The best one can do is fool them for long enough to get laid.

  40. Neil

    Ellen — the funny thing is that I actually believe you.

  41. nancypearlwannabe

    Definitely the bag. I’m a bag whore all the way.

  42. Christine

    Oh, oh, ooooh…the BAG!

  43. Winter

    Jake’s okay. I prefer Marcus Schenkenberg though. And a designer purse does give me the O’s but not that one. I prefer my Dooney and Bourke giraffe purse. I LOVE my purse. I would sleep with it if I didn’t think it would ruin it.

  44. AnnieH

    Hmmmmmm…any way I could see Jake wearing the shoes while I’m letting the chocolate melt in my mouth?? Is that behind curtain #3??

  45. better safe than sorry

    i’m all about shoes and purses, not those particular ones mind you, but shoes and purses do it for me.

  46. Memarie Lane

    Dude- no ice cream???

  47. Neil

    Memarie — C’mon, ice cream is a total cliche… unlike shoes, purses, chocolate, and hot actors.

    And you know, you inspired this post with your comments yesterday.

  48. angellee

    I wouldn’t need to wear those ridiculuos shoes if I had Jake.

  49. Sarcastic Mom

    Where’s the button to make this site my homepage?

  50. wendy

    So off the mark for me! I like music, banter…and eye contact..

    Nothin that comes from a store.

  51. Neil

    Wendy, too bad you’re married. I like you because you would be a cheap date.

  52. cajunvegan

    I would like to have seen the new iPhone, black stilettos, Clooney in an apron, and some duct tape.

    Oh, yeah …

  53. wendy

    Um Neil…I think you just called me cheap.

    You wish baby.

  54. mary

    Jake has never done much for me and then I saw this picture earlier today and than he does even less.

    The shoes… ow. The bag, I don’t have anything in that color. The chocolates? I can’t placate myself with THOSE things for the better part of 18 months that the man will be away…

    I guess I’m left with the Wire reruns and Dominic West. Yow.

  55. cruisin-mom

    I’ll take Mc Dreamy and Clooney. Jake is a bit young. The chocolates…well, that’s a no-brainer.

  56. Neil

    Wendy — I meant “cheap” in that you were romantic and idealistic, and that you didn’t need material objects to be wooed. A poem in a park, a flower picked from a public garden, a little glance and a smile — is enough to get the attention of a woman of your caliber. That’s what I meant by calling you “cheap.”

  57. Neil

    Cruisin — the younger men are all the rage nowadays.

  58. piglet

    i don’t get the whole purse and shoes thing, shopping makes me want to puke.

    my range of sexy men is very odd. david letterman, ira glass, edward norton, that cute guy who started apple, tupac, eminem. my attraction meter has more to do what is going on between the ears. jake is pretty though.

  59. Dagny

    I need those shoes. And then maybe the bag. The rest you can keep. Of course, I get about as excited as a well-made pot or pan as I do about shoes. Go figure.

  60. schmutzie

    You’re being featured on Five Star Friday:

  61. Jennifer H

    I’ll see your Jake Gyllenhaal and raise you one Angelina Jolie.


    Just when you thought you had the girls figured out. 😉

  62. ingrid

    reminded me of this:

  63. HouseofJules

    I GOTTA know where you found that bag. I even went to the Coach site and can’t seem to find it on there. Help?!
    House of Jules

  64. Lady Jaye

    You had me until Jake however the fuck you spell his last name appeared. I’m more of a Johnny Depp, Edward Norton kinda gal.

  65. Danny

    Yuck on all of the above except for the Godiva cookies. But then I saw that they cost $43.00 which is obscene. I sat behind Jake and his girlfriend Reese Witherspoon at the play “August: Osage County” in NY last spring and I admit they were a very attractive couple. But he was wearing a shirt, thank God. (Would he really take a photo like that or was his head grafted onto that body in PhotoShop?) But then they left during intermission. WTF?

  66. Christine

    This is the first picture of Jake I’ve seen that made me think “he is kinda hot.” But where’s Brad or George? The shoes are cute but ever since the broken toe & bone infection (& being on my feet all day at work) takes them out of the equation. Give me a cute pair of Chucks or the like and I’m happy.

  67. Surcie

    George Clooney. And better chocolate. I dig Vosges.

  68. Poppy Buxom

    Hey, I just realized why all those women love those fugly plasticized Louis Vuitton bags with the initials all over them.

    They’re porn. They’re covered in plastic, so they wipe clean with a damp cloth!

  69. Tony Comstock

    I can’t remember the last time a woman declined an invitation to see me on webcam.

  70. Neil

    House of Jules — I guess I really did turn you on with that bag —

    Surcie — Vosges? Is that a chocolate brand or a shoe?

    Tony — Really? Never turned down? I think I just found a new mentor.

  71. adena

    None of those, actually.

    For me it would be more like a pair of Vans, a big funky bag and Gerard Butler.


  72. adena

    Oh, and Willy Wonka Candy.

  73. PocketCT

    I might be a guy. I hate shopping and I like the visuals of sex. Video doesn’t much do it for me; must be real time sexiness. Those Gyllenhaals sure are nice eye candy. Jake hot, Maggie even hotter.

  74. stepping over the junk

    Jake, all the way man.

  75. Stacey

    Eh, none of that really does it for me.

  76. maitresse

    what’s with the crucifix?? I thought Jake was a nice Jewish boy. Guess I was wrong. Sigh.

  77. Neil

    Yeah, I thought that too. Jake, Jake, Jake… how could you do this to us…

  78. Ariel

    I’ll take Jake thanks, and his sister for that matter. I won’t say no to chocolates.

    I’m kind of bored with all this materialism being ascribed to women. I can appreciate a nice accessory as much as any aesthete, but it’s rarely a must have. On the other hand though, this is absolutely hilarious:

    All I need in life for myself is a guy I really dig, a bunch of 45s of my choice, some scenery and some European food.

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