I’ve given a lot of thought about masculinity and femininity in the last few days, since I first mentioned this idea for “Write Like the Opposite Sex” Day. This week — my blog, my therapy, my marriage, and my sex life all converged at a point somewhere in my brain.
I’ve come to a definite decision about something. I am a man. I’m a man despite being pegged as a “female writer” by the Gender Genie (thanks Schmutzie). That’s right. I’m a man and I’m proud. Even when I watch “All My Children,” I watch it like a man. Sophia and I watch it completely differently. I pay attention to the ridiculous plot. Sophia notices that “Kendall is anorexic.”
I’m honored that so many women choose to read this blog, but I’m not really sure I would ever want to be one of you. Sure, it would be nice to be allowed to speak at BlogHer, but who the hell needs it?!
I like being a man.
Men, we’re the lucky ones! Sure, the women can have babies and be all “nurturing,” but WE have our penises, and they can’t take that away from us. I guess they can try to take them away, either physically or emotionally, but when I say penises, I don’t just mean our large and strong c*cks. I mean the penises in our hearts. The ones that makes us MEN. You know what I’m talking about. The woman NEVER will.
That said, I would make one helluva woman. Just like the Michael Dorsey character in Tootsie. If you are a male reader, do you think you would be a good woman?
If I were a woman, I have no doubt that every male reading this right now would be killing himself to get to know me. You would totally want me. I would be such a sexy woman. I would show cleavage, but not too much. I would know exactly when you are looking at my ass. I would surprise you with my off-the-cuff remarks. I would be funnier than you are. You would say to yourself, “I have never met such a f**king amazing woman in all my entire life. She’s as cool as a MAN, but he’s a woman!”
Sure, I know I sound like the ideal woman to you. But don’t waste your time thinking about it. If I were a woman, I would not go out with any losers like you! Bloggers – heh. A waste of my feminine time. A woman like me deserves better. I expect better. I mean, I can hang out and bullshit, and be one of the guys, but I also want to be treated like a princess.
And don’t try to use any two-for-one dinner coupons at the Olive Garden with me, you cheap assholes.
The plan is still the same for Friday — Write as the Opposite Sex Day.