Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Movies Based On Comic Books

I’ve never done this before, but this post is really for just one person, my childhood friend, Tuck, who I know reads this blog.  I went to the movies today and the studios are already promoting their summer movies.  It seems as if every other movie now is based on some comic book adventure hero.   

Today I was inspired, Tuck.  I finally discovered the reason I moved to Los Angeles.  It is a spiritual reason.  It is my duty to write the screenplay to OUR favorite comic book!  Of course, there will have to be a few changes to make it work as a summer film.

Imagine this trailer at your local movie theater —

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL -DAY

The camera zooms in on a typical American high school.  Everything seems normal, the same as it is every day.

V.O. — “A typical day in suburbia.  A typical day in school.”

INT. CLASSROOM – HIGH SCHOOL -DAY

We find ourselves in a chemistry class as Dr. Dolbell is showing a group of students an experiment in making dry ice.

V.O. — “But today is not a typical day.  Because today, this peaceful bastion of education will change forever….”

One of the students, a practical joker, turns on his bunson burner.

Dr. Dolbell:  “No!!!!”

There is a huge explosion.  The entire school is engulfed in flames.

EXT.  HIGH SCHOOL – DAY

A CNN reporter is standing in front of the fiery chaos.  Stretchers are being rushed out to waiting ambulances and emergency choppers.

CNN Reporter:  “Casualties are high.   The local hospital is filled.  The state has called for a state of emergency.  This is the worst event that has ever happened to this quiet little community.”

 A paramedic is quickly wheeling one of the injured. 

Paramedic:  “We need to get this one out now!  He’s serious.  I don’t know if he can make it.”

Although bloodied, we can see the young man on the stretcher, his red hair still neatly-coiffed.  On his shirt, is written his name, “Archie Andrews.”  In the background is the name of the school, “Riverdale High School.”


This used to be an illustration of the Archies, but now I am using this lame photo instead so I don’t get sued by Archie comics. 

INT.  RIVERDALE HOSPITAL – NIGHT

A large group of surgeons are at work, rushing back from one victim to the next.  Five students are unconscious, side by side, each barely alive.

V.O. — “Archie Andrews, Reggie Mantle, Betty Cooper, Veronica Lodge, Jughead Jones.  We can rebuild them.  We can change them from typical high school students who are only interested in drinking sodas at the malt shop into a TEAM OF HIGHLY TRAINED KILLING MACHINES for a secret department of the United States Government.

EXT.  RED SQUARE — NIGHT

V.O. — “Archie Andrews — is now THE FIREMAN!”

Archie, now as muscular as a boxer, extends his hand in the direction of a group of Russian renegade military officers.  Fire shoots from his hand and incinerates the bad guys.

INT.  TIMES SQUARE — DAY

V.O. — “Reggie Mantle is now DOCTOR PUNISH!”

Reggie stretches his body like rubber completely around the TKTS ticket both, lifts it from cement and tosses it at a meteor about to hit New York, knocking it away and saving the day.

INT.  SAN BERNADO HOTEL – BUENOS AIRES – NIGHT

V.O. –“BETTY COOPER is the BLONDINATOR!”

Betty is making love with an Argentine drug dealer, when she sees him reaching for his knife.  She wraps her thighs around his head and cracks his neck.  He dies with a smile on his face.

EXT.   FISH MARKET — SHANGHAI – DAY

V.O. –“Veronica Lodge is GOLDBITCH!”

Veronica is surrounded by three martial artists swinging nunchucks. 

Veronica:  “Well, hello boys.  I always wanted a threesome.”

She whips out two golden revolvers.

“Daddy always told me that everything is better in gold.”
 
She blows them all away.

EXT.  DESERT AREA – PAKISTAN – NIGHT

V.O. –“Jughead Jones is DJ Crown!”

Jughead is leading a team of Marines in to find Bin Laden while doing some impromptu rapping for the entertainment of the others.  Jughead, looking through a nighttime telescope, catches a glimpse of Bin Laden trying to escape.

“Not this time, sucker!”

Jughead takes off his metallic crown and flings it like a frisbee, pinning Bin Ladin to the rock.

EXT.  HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD – NIGHT

The five ex-high school students, now superheros, swagger down the street, towards the camera, each carrying their weaponry.

V.O.  — “For these five high school students, school is definitely out for summer.  It is out… forever.  Riverdale, Riverdale, rah, rah…

A bus blows up behind our heroes.  Flames and metal fly into the sky.  They keep on walking to Jughead’s new rap hit “Sugar, Sugar, Sweet Bitch, Sugar.”

Note:  This post is a parody and this blog is not affiliated or associated with Archie Comic Publications, Inc.

28 Comments

  1. Ummmm. So the seder didn’t last as long as you thought it would? (By the way I meant to damn you for your last post. It made me think think that I had made a bad choice in turning down the job with the Jewish deli. Right now, I’d be eating real good.) And of course, I was hanging out with friends earlier who asked me, “Should we bring a gift to seder?” Umm. Do I look like the sister of Lenny Kravitz?

    Oh, and this whole time I have been laughing over your take on The Archies.

  2. “We can rebuild them.” YES. I would so watch this movie.

  3. I was with you until they were super violent. Not because I’m against violence, I’m very much pro-violence (if that makes sense), but just because Archie looks too much like a wuss. Either way, I’m sure that the movie would work out considering the fact that remakes of old shit does really well nowadays. They remade Dukes of Hazard, I’m sure you can get a couple sexy girls to play Veronica and Betty – grabbing at least a guy demographic in there.

  4. lol, i knew archie was going to be your fav comic book, it was the only one i read when i was a kid.

  5. Veronica as Goldbitch. I like that. Especially when she says, I always wanted a threesome.

    My kids love, love, love Archie comics. They read them over and over and over again. The only comics they’re into.

  6. You might enjoy my nonsensical cut-up Archie flyer art, Neil… just be sure to view them full size!

    http://startlingmoniker.wordpress.com/2007/03/28/moflyerart/

  7. I’d definitely pay to see that movie. Course, I’d demand casting approval if I were you. Not just anybody can be Betty or Veronica.

  8. I smell… blockbuster!

  9. This is very similar to what would happen if Joss Whedon started writing Archie. Imagine if he got his hands on Casper?

  10. I love Archie…If you make this movie,
    they will come :-).

  11. I always had a crush on Jughead. *sigh*

  12. Archie as heroes? It’s been done.

    Pfft.

    Mucho love,

    Joe ArtLung

  13. I always loved Archie. That whole Betty-Veronica love triangle was so intense!

  14. I would go see that – I LOVED Archie comic books when I was growing up.

  15. You had me at Argentine Drug Dealer.

  16. Joe — I didn’t know that. I want to read those.

  17. I would so totally help them escape from the hospital after their conversion to superheroes and before the government could make them do their imperialistic bidding. Nobody puts Blondinator in the corner. Besides we don’t need any more superbitches in the ICU–we are filled up.

  18. My favorite part was: “Veronica is surrounded by three martial artists swinging nunchucks.

    Veronica: “Well, hello boys. I always wanted a threesome.””

    Until I realized that it would actually be a ‘quadsome’ or something like that. Ruined the whole thing for me.

    Brilliant idea! I laughed, I cried. It was an emotional roller coaster.

  19. Man you’re mind is a strange and twisted playground.
    But the fact that I love it..what does that say?

  20. First, Tuck is such a cool name.

    Second, I always wanted to be Veronica.

  21. Awesome! I laughed, I cried, it was better than Cats!

  22. i just noticed your previous blog crushes of the day button. i had no idea i was a previous blog crush. man…i missed seeing my name in lights! oh well…i guess i’ll get over it. i am such an attention whore!

  23. The Archies were – and are still – the only comic books I ever read. I love them. But I’d like a fluffier movie for the sequel, please. All that action just seems out of sync with the laid back-ness of my comic heroes.

  24. I knew Betty wasn’t that INNOCENT! Oh no I was hoping to read a teen script on lust and power but okay, I can see this too.

  25. My daughter loves the Archies. Of course, I don’t remember them being quite like that.

  26. Clearly your destiny has been defined.

  27. Dear Archie Comic Guys Who Wrote the Threatening letter to our Beloved Neil:
    You have forever tainted your wholesome image with your nonsense threats. Clearly you lack humor. I am surprised you don’t have anything better to do that tamper with light-hearted, entertaining, and well written blog entries. You’ve lost loyalty from old fans for sure.

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