Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Therapy Break

I need to take a day or two break from my “washing machine” story because I spent some time writing it today and it is turning into a twenty page emotional mess about all sorts of topics — manhood, my father, film school, Sears customer service, sexuality, and Diet Coke. And the story isn’t funny at all. I think my two weeks of therapy is already screwing with my mind, making me more emotionally unstable than when I first walked in there.

Yesterday, during my second therapy session, I talked to my new therapist about my blog, and now I’m feeling a little self-conscious for even bringing it up. What if she’s reading it? Why is it OK that my mother reads my blog, but knowing that my therapist is reading “Citizen of the Month” is giving me performance anxiety?

During our session:

Therapist: “Is it like MySpace?”

Neil: “No, it’s a regular blog.”

Therapist: “And what do you write about?”

Neil: “Just different stuff.”

Therapist: “Interesting And how do people find you?”

Neil: “If you search my name you could easily find it. Uh…”

Therapist: “What?”

Neil: “No, nothing. I just didn’t expect to be talking about my blog. It’s not… well, I guess it IS a big part of my life. It’s just sometimes I write some fantasy stuff. Sex stuff. It’s all in good fun. Just in case you ever read it, you should know, it’s not really me. Well, it IS me. It’s just that I even… (nervously) ha ha… wrote a post about you… uh, imagining you before the first session… and… uh…”

Therapist: “You did?”

Neil: “Well, I have this gimmick, where… you see, I talk to my Penis, and…”

The therapist made a notation in her book. And then underlined it.

60 Comments

  1. I know what she was writing.

    w-w-w-n-e-i-l-k-r-a-m-e-r-d-o-t-c-o-m

    Hope for you she doesn’t know how to do a google search. Then again, how many people in the planet can’t?
    You’re busted.

  2. LMAO! Oh My God, that is baaaaddd!!!! And very funny!!!

  3. why are you having such a hard time being honest and open with her? she’s there to help you, not judge you. i think she should be reading your blog, maybe it will help her understand what you seem to be afraid of.

  4. No. 1: Never mention your Talking Penis to your therapist.
    No. 2: You’re supposed to feel lousy when you’re in therapy. You have to break down all your stuff before you can rebuild it.

  5. OMG Neil! Most of my IRL friends don’t even know I have a blog, and you go and tell your therapist about yours!?! You’re funny!!!

  6. I told my therapist about my blog and immediately regretted it. She seems to think it is an unhealthy outlet while I believe quite the opposite is true. She even gave me a sheet of paper asking me to see if I could identify with any of the statements- it was a “test” to see if I am addicted to the internet.

    Lordy. I hope your therapist doesn’t google you. Heh.

  7. Did she take her glasses off as she underlined it?

    I think your willingness to write candid, yet funny, and sad things here only suggests that you are like the rest of us.. The ones who are searching. I think thats better than staying in your own little backyard, mentally, and not living out fantasies..or not telling the stories in your mind.

    And yes Neil…having someone poking around inside your head can be unbalancing, painful even. I was goning to type it’s worth it.. but I think in stead I’ll just type…It is what it is.

  8. Thinks his penis talks to him. Possible schitzo. Cute though.

  9. Oh boy, Neil. You might as well have had a kid. Now none of your stuff is just yours anymore.

    Boundaries. Look into them.

  10. You are so going to end up as a cover story in Psychology Today. They’ll call you Patient N, but we’ll all know.

  11. So now your therapist is going to get all paranoid and shit that she’s being discussed here. This could be interesting. Ya know, she should charge double for you and your independent (self-absorbed) penis.

  12. Hmm… I figured talking to your penis would get you in trouble sooner or later. I can just imagine her over drinks with her girlfriends: “So, I have this crazy client who talks with his penis… HA HA HA!”

  13. has she commented yet?!

  14. She won’t comment because of patient confidentiality rules.

  15. Note to self: Remember not to mention blog to my future therapist, should I ever get the guts to start seeing someone.

  16. Hee.

    Hi, Neil’s therapist!

  17. Don’t sweat it too much Neil, I’m sure in her time as a therapist she has heard about far worse than a blogger with a talking penis.

  18. Its all on the table now. You should seriously be accustomed to the exposure, no matter who is looking.

    I told my therapist about mine, was going to email her the link, but forgot her email. I think that is a subconscious block. :giggles:

    And if she is a woman of any experience, she totally gets that a mans penis talks to him. totally.

  19. Neil, you’ve been a very, very naught boy. You just wait until our next session…

  20. Some of my friends ask me that all the time about my pathetic blog, “A blog? What is that? Is it like MySpace?” Egads, am I 12?

    It cracks me up that you capitalize your Penis. He’s his own man, right? A very proper noun?

    Maybe I’ll meet you at SAJ’s art show? I’ll be making a cameo appearance con mi familia.

  21. *sigh* You are going to be in therapy for a long time. There are things that even your therapist need never know.

  22. Oh, I’ve got a better one for you.
    I recently was in a court hearing over something. The lady who had the complaint against the employer I represent claimed that the reason she lost the first hearing was that because I was a professional writer and had written a letter to the court and no one could argue against it, it was so well put.

    The judge turned to me. He asked me what I wrote.
    “Novels, short stories –I used to do corporate & business writing too. I have a blog now.”

    “You do??
    “Yes.”
    My big dread is that he has read it. I’ve yet to hear the final ruling on the case, I’m just glad I never mention work on my blog.

  23. Neil,

    Whether it’s your good days, bad days, or ABBA-listenin’ white polyester days, I LOVE reading your blog! It makes my day.

  24. Talking to your Penis is surely very normal. Blogging, on the other hand, is very weird and a sure sign of emotional neediness. Take it from one who knows. We are all like little kids running round with our arms out stretched “read me” “love me” “link me” “subscribe!!!!!” But hell, I can think of worse ways to be messed up.

  25. bwahahaha…. you crack me up. You know, when I went to therapy, I spent the first two sessions telling my therapist my life story and trying to make her laugh. (This is NORMAL for me) She had to tell me at the end that I’m not paying her to be entertained. Sure my stories are hilarious, but how can she help me if I’m just putting on the show? I never felt like I was totally honest about what I felt with her, but at the same time, to be validated and have someone say… “No, you’re not crazy…everyone feels like this sometimes.” was all I really needed. But then again, I don’t have conversations with my genitalia.
    I don’t think it’s crazy… You’re a guy who wants to say things and you just channel that all through your penis. It’s very “I didn’t say that, my puppet said that…” 😀

  26. I bet she talks to her Va-JayJay.

  27. Hee! You’re fun! Great meeting you last night. (Hi to your therapist.) Hee!

  28. Neil, I’m sure that if she does google you, she’ll totally understand this as the cathartic tool it is.

    Plus the support circle aspect….

    what’s not to like?

    {wipes tears of laughter off face}

  29. Ohhhhh! This gave me the best chuckle today 😉 V

  30. I have a therapist.

    I don’t think I’ll tell him about my blog.

    Hell, even Sweet Cheeks doesn’t know (husband).

    I think I’ll see how your adventure goes before I even think about mentioning my blog.

  31. Hey, Neil.

  32. Wow. Two appointments with a therapist (that is, if we can believe you)?!

    Good for you. You have your entire fan club behind you. I agree with “N”, reading your blog makes my day.

  33. Teebopop — Maybe I’m not understanding the whole therapy thing, but isn’t the whole point that you are supposed to be completely honest with your therapist? Doesn’t that mean that you SHOULD tell her about your blog if it is something you do with your time?

    Plain Jane — The therapist and I made a deal to go at least four sessions and then see if it is working out.

  34. I have yet to tell a therapist about my blog. For some reason that’s just a place I’d rather not go. Too many questions. I like to keep my therapy sessions quick and to the point.

  35. So what does the new therapist think of the new “separation”?

    And when you say that, do you do the finger quotes on the side of your head, like in Say Anything?

  36. LOL i think the therapist is reading every single post analyzing you ….. wonder what she have ready for session # 3.

  37. Heather B – Maybe you have a point about keeping the sessions focused on what I want to talk about. I’m not sure talking about my blog is going to help me solve any real life problems. My online life is very happy and fulfilling. It’s REAL LIFE that is the problem. People in my real life usually aren’t leaving comments with advice and good wishes, although it isn’t a bad idea to incorporate the idea from blogging. Maybe I should get my friends and family to leave verbal “comments” on my answering machine each night:

    Boss: “You did great today at work!”

    Wife: “LMAO, I know you damaged my car, but you are so funny that I’m going forgive you, honey!”

  38. Neil, you make me want to start smoking.

  39. C’mon, Neil, Penis has top billing in the story that is your life. Maybe she needs to get HIS side of the Neil story and is making a note just to follow up with him…
    I need the truth quotient here; I’m beginning to doubt you in many, many ways…

  40. We’re leading parallel lives. You tell your therapist, I tell my boyfriend from high school. perfect.

  41. Non-Highlighted Heather

    August 24, 2007 at 11:20 am

    And it could just be that there’s no real connection between you and your therapist. Clearly you need to give it a little bit of time to see if your uneasiness has to do more with the scenario itself than it has to do with her. Let the dust settle a little bit. This is a totally new experience for you. Once you have some clarity, you may just come to realize that she’s not the one for you. You need to find a therapist who puts you at ease. And there’s nothing wrong with shopping around until you find one. Preferably with a big rack who wears low cut blouses.

  42. Maybe she will become a regular commenter. Maybe you will need to find another therapist.

  43. You brought up your chatty genitalia in a conversation with your shrink?! You realize, of course, that she’s getting ready to have you fitted with a straitjacket, dont you? Do you like your Thorazine on ice or at room temperature, sir?

  44. Dude, you do realized she is so googling your blog! lol

  45. Come on, Neil. You know who I am.

  46. Wouldn’t it be cool if other relationships worked like that. You could say to your new boss, “I’m coming to work four times and then we’ll see how it goes”. Or your mother-in law. You are way too honest on your blog to be so out in your real life. Every time I post anything too real on mine I feel rotten for days.

  47. The first rule of therapy club is don’t talk about your talking penis.

    Second rule, don’t offer to show her your talking penis.

  48. You realize don’t you Neil, that your therapist is probably now going to read your blog for ideas for her blog? oy

  49. Anne Kahle — is this the long lost Anne Arkham?

  50. I told my therapist about my blog, and then had the same freakout you did. I came in the next time and told her I’d feel more comfortable if she did not try to look it up.

    Her reaction was very honest; she looked truly surprised and said she would never do that; that the only things she delved into were the things I chose to bring in to her in our sessions together. Everything else was my private life. In fact, she said she very distinctly did NOT want to be doing extra research on patients in her free time. (I mean, after all, she doesn’t get paid for that, does she?)

    It made me feel a lot better to hear that, and I don’t believe she’s ever read my blog (except for anythign from it I brang in to read to her). I don’t know if that’s helpful to you or not, but I found addressing my concerns openly and requesting what I wanted from her to be a big help in calming my fears about it.

    Also, in my experience, therapy always feels worse before it feels better. You gotta expect the first few months to be an emotional whirlwind. But if you feel it’s emotional, even if hard, in a good way–like it’s *getting* you somewhere, then you’re on the right track.

    Hang in there!

  51. You’re quite welcome. And forgive the use of “brang.” WTF? I just noticed it when I re-read. I’m all strung out on cold medicine right now; that’s the only reason I can think of for such strangeness–the word’s not even part of my regional dialect, for god’s sake.

  52. Neil, you know how I adore your talking Penis! I told you – to the back of your head when we were driving around LA – remember? Your therapist will learn to love him too. I can’t believe I am sitting alone in my study on this humid morning in Philly laughing out loud at this post. The perfect second therapy session post I have ever read …

  53. “The therapist made a notation in her book. And then underlined it.” HHAA!! Neil!! Run Neil! Run!

    Thank you, that made me burst out laughing…

    Neil, it was great meeting you the other night. Truly. I felt like I had known you for AT LEAST 10 minutes before I actually met you. And I hope to be lucky enough to hang out with you again soon. And not just at the urinals. And if you have any pointers for me regarding my reading, I’d love to hear them…I know that I should’ve only read one story…and that I should’ve slowed down a bit…and I should’ve worn a sweat band and packed my crack with paper towels because of perspiring so much. But any other suggestions would be lovely.

    You were going to tell me about the paper towels, weren’t you?

  54. Therapy eh? Sometimes you just feel bad before you feel better!!

    Thinking about you.

  55. Hi Neil,
    The only bad thing about therapy is that when it works, you lose your sense of humor. Like John Cleese.

  56. Dates Bubbas — I don’t know if you are being serious or not, but I actually do worry about that.

  57. Neil! You will *never* lose your sense of humor!

  58. Neil,

    Be honest with your shrink. You won’t loose your funny you will gain peace of mind!

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