Hello, friends of Neilochka. This is Sophia. I know these are anxious times, and politics and world events are tearing us apart. But sometimes we need to put aside these disagreements and work on a common cause.
On Tuesday, I will be flying to New York to work as a dialect and acting coach on an independent film. I will be in New York for at least seven weeks. Neil will be staying here in Los Angeles. This will be the longest that we will not be living in the same city. I will be very busy on this film, working up to twelve hours a day. I do not know if I can fulfill my responsibilities as Neilochka’s separated wife.
This is where you come in.
Please volunteer your time and energy into making sure Neilochka remains properly clothed and fed.
Here is a short to-do list that must be accomplished while I am gone:
1) Someone must remind Neil every few days to take his cholesterol medication or he will completely forget.
2) Someone needs to remind Neil to buy new underwear/or do his laundry — because I will be taking most of my underwear with me to New York.
3) Someone needs to remind Neil every three days that blogging ten hours a day is bad for his health.
4) Someone needs to tell Neil at least once daily that a few gray hairs on a man are sexy and that he should stop worrying about it.
5) Someone must remind Neil that he needs to eat at least once a day, and that a Winchell’s donut is not a meal.
6) Someone must bring Neil ready-made brisket in some tupperwear at least once a month.
7) Someone must call Neil on the first of the month and remind him to pay the Cingular bill.
8) Someone needs to watch “All My Children” every day and discuss with Neil why “this show gets shittier by the week.”
9) Someone needs to speak to Neil’s mother on Sunday and say that he is in the shower and can’t speak to her, when he is really watching “Cash Cab” on the Discovery Channel.
10) Some female needs to show Neil her breasts at least once a week, or else he’ll get all cranky and will be bugging me too much on the set.
Will you be kind enough to volunteer to help poor Neilochka in his time of need?
I also won’t be able to be Neil’s editor for seven weeks, so please excuse all the spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, and dull writing on Citizen of the Month during that period.
If for some reason you meet up with Neil while I am gone, and he takes you to a restaurant with a 2-for-1 coupon, make sure HE gives the waitress the coupon and doesn’t wimp out and ask you do it. And if he uses the phrases “Umm” or “like” in a sentence, you have permission to snap the rubber-band on his wrist and hurt him. Tough love works.
Finally, if there is an emergency, for example: you are a female blogger and Neil IMs you every night and rambles on about his penis — you can contact me at sofsof007 AT yahoo DOT com. You’re also welcome to email me if you want to show me some LOOOVE while I’m in NY.
Thank you for your support. Every little bit helps.
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Jewish People are so Smart
He’s high maintenance. Who knew?
We’re all heading to NY it seems. See you there chum.
i volunteer for #4. i have a thing for grey hair.
Reminds me of a MAD Magazine poster I had in my room growing up.
TODAY IS THE DAY YOU CHANGE YOUR UNDERWEAR
Neil, have I got a brisket for you! Join our brisket-of-the-month club and a vacuum sealed precooked brisket will be delivered right to your door, featuring a specialty sauce of the month.
Sophia, don’t worry. Neil will be so full of brisket, he’ll have to buy new underwear ’cause of the weight he’ll put on while sitting at the computer blogging and eating brisket with mashed potatoes on the side that has the special sauce smothered on it.
I’ll bury his cholesterol pills inside a Winchell donut and leave it by the keyboard. : )
I also volunteer to serve as editor-who’s-large; um, I mean editor-at-large. And forgot the “um” and the starting of this sentence with a preposition.
I can cover 3, 7, and 10.
I might be able to cover 9, too; I’m pretty good with moms.
Gosh I hope I don’t end up getting all muddled, or I might show Neil’s mom my breasts, tell the brisket to pay the cingular bill, and remind a Winchell’s doughnut that cholesterol ten hours a day is bad for your health.
Hurry back, though, Sophia. My breasts probably aren’t as magnificent as yours.
have a wonderful (working) trip!
i completely agree with #4, i’ll be there for him.
Hmmm … gray is good …
I’ll be happy to help out, Sophia. I have a strong background in childcare.
Alright, alright..since I love gray hair, I might be able to oblige #10 but hurry back Sophia..my husband might not understand 😉
Sophia, I refuse to acknowledge that #3 is a real problem. I’m sorry, but I cannot watch All My Children. I’ll leave that to my brother. I’d call his mom, but I’ll likely be watching Cash Cab as well. Great show. I will try on the cholesterol medication.
My only real question… what if you combine some grey hairs with a receding hairline? Still sexy? Please?
You two crack me up. You have more of a relationship “separated” (and I emphasize the quotation marks….) then my husband and I do “together.”
Have fun in NYC. I’ll be there this weekend!
Wow. My respect for Sophia has just doubled. That’s a tall order but I think the blogosphere is here for ya!
Damn he’s a lot of work.
I’ve never attempted to make brisket. Though, I’m sure Loki’s mother would love to teach me how to make it…in between bouts of “when are you going to give us a grandchild?” and “we’d love you even more if you converted to Judiasm!”
Excuse me, while I channel Loki’s parents when I say OY VEY!
I definitely wouldn’t be a good replacement for Sophia. I can’t cover her boobs being MIA. Mine barely need covering and are a little boring because of it. However I could take Neil’s place in viewing Sophia’s while she’s here in NY, (kidding). Being on the East coast, I wouldn’t be good at the day-to-day, although Neil, you can get some nice cotton panties (3 in a pack) from Target. I highly recommend the Hanes low-rise hipsters.
Safe travels Sophia!
Besides #1 and #10, I question the validity of these being “musts” and “needs.” It sounds like Neil goes through quite a bit of nagging…
Are you sure you’re coming back?
Yey! Sophia’s in town!
[is this a coencidence that the post one year ago was titled “jewish people are so smart”? Smart move, Neil: make them all work for’ya]
i hope you return soon. i’m not sure we’re ready for this responsibility just yet.
3) Someone needs to remind Neil every three days that blogging ten hours a day is bad for his health.
I have this one covered – CARPIL TUNNEL suckes – i will just show him how hard it is to type w/ both hands in splints every few hours (it’s a pain in the ass)
a) grey hair is sexy… except when it protrudes from your ears or nose.
b) if you are willing to make the leap to General Hospital, I’m your girl
c) I’m flashing you right now
Oh dear, is Neil going to be able to survive this? I will do my best to help with the list. Have a great time in NYC Sophia!
Well, Neil, you can always send me an email. Best of luck on your work, Sophia. If I’m in the area, I’m totally looking you up.
Sophia, you’re going all the way to New York just to keep Neil out of your underwear drawer? Wouldnt it be cheaper just to buy him some women’s underwear there in LA? It’s LA; there must be stores there that cater to this particular quirk. And V, and is a conjunction, not a preposition.
And good luck with the job, Sophia!
It has never been more apparent why you should love Sophia.
Are you two absolutely sure you are separated? And if so, why?
I’m more of a Days of Our Lives kinda gal …
But I will also help by letting Neil look at my rack every so often …
It really does take a village, doesn’t it?
Akaky–I nominate you for editor-at-large. I’ll be editor-that-sucks.
Happy to show Neil my (male) boobs…his choice…front boobs or back boobs.
So, does that mean that Sophia will need someone in NY to flash her breasts to, remind them to eat something other than a doughnut and edit their blog posts? I’m sure she’ll have a line out the door for that.
I was going to volunteer for #6 since I make a mean brisket, but in this heat? Oy! Instead we volunteer to take Neil out for brisket which will give us a good excuse to continue the L.A. Deli Debates.
As the only other straight male who admits to watching “All My Children,” I’m also good for #8. Don’t even get me started on the Jonathan/Lily debacle or Erica’s 1970s abortion coming back as a hunky doctor. There are so many ridiculous storylines on that show lately I can watch an hour-long episode in about 10 minutes.
Neil, you clever man. You had me going right up to Number 10.
Thank you for the instructions, Sophia. There are a lot of “married” who aren’t as caring to one another as you two! Now we know why Citizen of the Month is such a success. Bon Voyage!
Wow, you are the best wife ever! I still live with my spouse and I don’t do half this much nurturing.
Have a great time in NYC, Sophia. Neil will survive. He might be smelly when you return, but it won’t kill him.
Wait a minute. Neil can get a Winchell’s donut? I was just talking about the lack of Winchell’s in the Bay Area last night. It may be time to move. And I’ll get the donuts.
I will selflessly volunteer to bare my breasts. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.
Sorry, I’m a CBS soap girl…or, would be if I didnt work during the day.
I can man the rubber-band snapping. I’m very good. And you SHOULD be nervous.
Wasn’t there a way to photoshop that Uncle Sam to make it look a bit more like Sophia?
Hmmm… And I have detected a typo: In #6, it should be “tupperware,” not “tupperwear.” Which means that I am perfectly well-suited to take on the editing job.
And you know me, Neil. I’m such a damn prude, don’t bare my breasts for the public at large unless I am on a French beach.
Ohhh, goody…someone else that loves Cash Cab. Sweet!
Neil, maybe you should pack your bags and just start showing up on the doorsteps of every blogger on your blogroll. I’m sure we would all be happy to take you in for a few days. 🙂
Sophia, have a wonderful trip! It sounds EXCITING! 🙂
Have a good time Sophia. Neil, you’re gonna have to get it together for seven whole weeks?
Unless, Elisabeth, the always lovely Sophia is referring to tupperwear, the non-stick, non-staining line of women’s underwear sold by Fruit of the Loom and made for the active non-stop 24/7 woman of today, who just might have to wrap a steaming hot brisket in something when tupperware is not immediately available while giving a PowerPoint presentation on hedge fund derivatives and their effects on the global jute market. Such things have been known to happen.
7 whole weeks? I guess Neil’s penis will get more blogging time, then, since he’ll have nothing better to do. 😛
Dude you require way too much attention and work.
because sophia asked so nice, i will do my best to help with number 10. this time neil, you won’t have to go searching a website for them either. 😉
OK, I was totally on board until #10. Can’t you see, people?! Neil’s penis took control of the keyboard, pretended to be Sophia and added that one! This is the worst form of identity theft – families defrauding their own.
Sorry Sophia … I have a full-time husband I already have to flash my boobs to while telling him gray hair is sexy. I’m tapped out. Although I may be able to mail Neil’s penis some of my underwear …
Neil wears Sophia’s underwear?
I thought it was amusing to note that if you type in Tupperwear in Google, you get a advertisement on the side for the incorrectly spelled Tupperwear at amazon.com, although when you click onto the site, it is spelled correctly. So, apparently, amazon.com will still take your money even if you don’t know how to spell.
And brooke — you’re two days late!
Good luck on the film, Sophia!
Ramen counts as a meal, right Neil? 😉
Hope you have a fabulous time in NYC Sophia! 🙂 I’d love to help with the Neil chores, really I would. But I have my hands full with my Kevin chores. Although I would love to accompany you to NYC! (OK, that’s not possible, but I do hope you come back and write a post or two about your trip.)
No wonder Sophia is going away for seven weeks and working 12 hours a day…that’s a vacation, compared to taking care of you, Neil. I’ll take you to Brent’s deli for a really good deli meal.
If Neil needs any help living the bachelor life then just have him drop me an e-mail. Suprisingly, it is really easy to go about one’s daily life without the input of a female counterpart…
good grief, neil. one doughnut from winchell’s?!?! you gotta have two to make it a meal. one is a snack.