Hello, friends of Neilochka. This is Sophia. I know these are anxious times, and politics and world events are tearing us apart. But sometimes we need to put aside these disagreements and work on a common cause.
On Tuesday, I will be flying to New York to work as a dialect and acting coach on an independent film. I will be in New York for at least seven weeks. Neil will be staying here in Los Angeles. This will be the longest that we will not be living in the same city. I will be very busy on this film, working up to twelve hours a day. I do not know if I can fulfill my responsibilities as Neilochka’s separated wife.
This is where you come in.
Please volunteer your time and energy into making sure Neilochka remains properly clothed and fed.
Here is a short to-do list that must be accomplished while I am gone:
1) Someone must remind Neil every few days to take his cholesterol medication or he will completely forget.
2) Someone needs to remind Neil to buy new underwear/or do his laundry — because I will be taking most of my underwear with me to New York.
3) Someone needs to remind Neil every three days that blogging ten hours a day is bad for his health.
4) Someone needs to tell Neil at least once daily that a few gray hairs on a man are sexy and that he should stop worrying about it.
5) Someone must remind Neil that he needs to eat at least once a day, and that a Winchell’s donut is not a meal.
6) Someone must bring Neil ready-made brisket in some tupperwear at least once a month.
7) Someone must call Neil on the first of the month and remind him to pay the Cingular bill.
8) Someone needs to watch “All My Children” every day and discuss with Neil why “this show gets shittier by the week.”
9) Someone needs to speak to Neil’s mother on Sunday and say that he is in the shower and can’t speak to her, when he is really watching “Cash Cab” on the Discovery Channel.
10) Some female needs to show Neil her breasts at least once a week, or else he’ll get all cranky and will be bugging me too much on the set.
Will you be kind enough to volunteer to help poor Neilochka in his time of need?
I also won’t be able to be Neil’s editor for seven weeks, so please excuse all the spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, and dull writing on Citizen of the Month during that period.
If for some reason you meet up with Neil while I am gone, and he takes you to a restaurant with a 2-for-1 coupon, make sure HE gives the waitress the coupon and doesn’t wimp out and ask you do it. And if he uses the phrases “Umm” or “like” in a sentence, you have permission to snap the rubber-band on his wrist and hurt him. Tough love works.
Finally, if there is an emergency, for example: you are a female blogger and Neil IMs you every night and rambles on about his penis — you can contact me at sofsof007 AT yahoo DOT com. You’re also welcome to email me if you want to show me some LOOOVE while I’m in NY.
Thank you for your support. Every little bit helps.
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Jewish People are so Smart