the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

The Poetry Reading


I had just taken a shower tonight and was toweling off when I heard his voice.

Neil’s Penis: “Where are you going tonight?”

Neil: “I’m going to a poetry reading.”

Neil’s Penis: “Aha! So that’s why you bought that beret at Macy’s yesterday! Hot babe?”

Neil: “No. Just going for the poetry.”

Neil’s Penis: “You’re really into this poetry crap.”

Neil: “It’s interesting. It’s been a while since I’ve done anything literary.”

Neil’s Penis: “Hey, I’m a poet too —

A girl might like a guy with wit,
But she likes it better
When he can find her clit.”

Neil: “Penis, that’s very immature.”

Neil’s Penis: “Ooh, big poet with the beret thinks I’m immature.”

Neil: “Penis, we need to talk. I think this might be the last time we talk on this blog.”

Neil’s Penis: “What?!”

Neil: “I think it might be time to start making this blog a little more sophisticated. We have some poet-bloggers coming over here now, and they’re way classier than the perverts and crazy people who used to come to this blog.”

Neil’s Penis: “Those are your readers!”

Neil: “Eh.”

Neil’s Penis: “What about me? You need me. I’m your bread and butter!”

Neil: “I can handle this blog on my own.”

Neil’s Penis: “Yeah, you’ll be as good as Garfunkel after Paul Simon left.”

Neil: “Well, I’d like to try. I’m serious. This joke is getting old and a lot of people think this whole “talking penis” thing is very childish.”

Neil’s Penis: “They do not!”

Neil: “Listen, on Tuesday, I had coffee with Communicatrix at the Farmers’ Market.”

Neil’s Penis: “She’s really cool.”

Neil: “Yeah, but even she said she skips over all the dumb sex stuff here.”

Neil’s Penis: “Maybe she doesn’t want to fall under our sensual spell.”

Neil: “Penis, not every woman in the world is going to want us. You have to accept that.”

Neil’s Penis: “Yeah, right.”

Neil: “Just focus on the blog. Think of my religious readers. I’m making them sin just by reading this stuff.”

Neil’s Penis: “Ha, where have you been? Those religious babes are the kinkiest ones around! Remember that rabbi’s daughter.”

Neil: “Let me try this another way. Maybe it’s just time to be practical. Maybe it’s time for this blog to go mainstream…”

Neil’s Penis: “I see. So, you’re selling out. To the Man. The emasculating Man. Soon, there’s going to be ads all over the page. And no more “dirty” words. And you’re going to be using fancy words all the time instead, like onomatopoeia. And the only people on your blogroll will be NPR, the New York Times, and Dooce. Well, cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock…”

Neil: “Stop it! Stop it!

Neil’s Penis: “OK, OK, I stopped.”

Neil: “If you thought about it for a second, you’d see that I’m right. What’s so wrong with wanting to better yourself? To climb the ladder of success. To wear a nice cotton turtleneck and brown tailored jacket. My hair trimmed and neat. A copy of David Sedaris under my arm. My beret on my head, tilted just so. Laughing heartily when my poet friend makes some inside joke about Baudelaire. Ah, yes, I read that in Harper’s last week! American Idol? What is that? — a euphemism for the Bush Administration’s idolization of Halliburton’s profits? Sophisticated humor.”

Neil’s Penis: “Neilochka, do what you want. If you want me out of the blog, I’ll do it.”

Neil: “That’s it? You’re giving in just like that? No more arguments?”

Neil’s Penis: “You’re the boss. The brains of the organization. The CEO of Neilochka. If you think you can “make it” out there alone, more power to you. ”

Neil: “That’s very gentlemanly of you, Penis.”

Neil’s Penis: “I care about you, Neilochka. I can see your point. You don’t want to go around the rest of your life known as “The Guy with the Talking Penis Blog.”

Neil: “Exactly. I went to college. Even grad school, for god’s sake.”

Neil’s Penis: “OK, fine. So, from now on, I guess the world will know this guy as “The Guy with the Talking Penis Blog.”

Neil: “Holy crap! Is it possible? This guy has a talking Penis, too?!”

Neil’s Penis: “What’s the big deal. If you don’t care…”

Neil: “How dare he! The son of a…”

My Penis chuckles.

Neil’s Penis: “Still going to that poetry reading?”

Neil: “Hell no!”

I tossed my beret onto the floor.

Neil: “We’re going back to the gym and lifting some weights. Both of us. We need to get into shape!”

Neil’s Penis: “I hear you, Neilochka! Cock fight! Cock fight!”

My Penis turns to the audience.

Neil’s Penis:

“Said Keats to Shelly on a warm summer’s eve
A truly great poet must always believe
As sure as a leaf will change in September
A man shalt always be a slave to his member.”

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: What I Had for Breakfast Today


  1. Mari

    I think you can talk to your genitals and stil be a muso poet, I mean- must they be mutually exclusive. I talk to mine, and I still write poetry (okey sometimes it’s sex related- but it’s not all of the time)

  2. Alison

    Your penis is a pretty good poet.

  3. Allan

    I’ve never been very good at writing poetry.

    Perhaps I should consult with my penis about that.

  4. Therese


    See, I am a new visitor to this blog and as such this is my first exposure to the talking penis. (*waves* Hi, Penis.)

    Diggin’ the poetry. *giggle*

  5. Leah

    Hmmm….I’m having penis envy. If I had a talking penis, I’d start making it earn it’s keep by putting it on David Letterman and then getting commercial endorsements.

    Then I’d get to lay around the house all day while it jabbered on about it’s latest Wheaties commerical.

  6. Jill

    I’m confused. I write poetry and I’m one of your previous readers. Does that make me a pervertpoet?

  7. tiff

    Brings a tear to the ye, it does.

  8. tiff

    Or, even to the eye.

  9. Alissa

    I’m so glad the penis will still be making appearances. Your blog just wouldn’t be the same without both of you!

  10. Jenni

    Your penis talks? Shit. If my husband gets word of this I’m screwed. He’d immediately train his to talk too and then next thing you know I’ll be having more conversations with his weiner than him. Great.


  11. Caitlinator

    Whew, for a second I thought your penis was gone forever.

  12. Sarah

    This is one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read, Neil!
    You are cock and balls above the rest.

  13. Margaret

    tell your penis to stop teasing me

  14. jackt

    Perverted jokes are the only ones I find funny, so I’m really glad your penis talked you out of going legit and selling out to the man.

    ::This comment brought to you by K-Y Jelly::

  15. cruisin-mom

    a year ago you had three comments, now you get at least 50…maybe your member has something to do with this.

  16. Kevin

    Did you just call me a “pervert” and a “crazy person”?!?!?!

    Thanks! I’m touched. Not in the way that your penis is, I’m sure. But touched all the same.

  17. Trixie

    Oh, thank God! Your penis is the only reason I still come here.

  18. C. Delia

    I read every word your penis wrote…since I’m new to your blog, this feels a bit too intimate. Hmmm–at least now I understand why I sometimes struggle so much with my work–I’m missing a key writing appendage, who knew?

  19. Dagny

    Simon and Garfunkel? Nah. I have come to think of the two of you as Martin and Lewis.

  20. jules

    Neil…absolutely hilarious. Can we place bets on the cock fight?

  21. Edgy Mama

    There once was a man named Neilochka
    Whose penis was a show stoppa
    He tried to control it
    But his member’s coarse wit
    Kept us all addicted to dicky.

  22. Pearl

    Oh. My. G-d. I’m a sinner…?

    Bravo, Penis! Neil, you’re not too shabby yourself.

    An Ode to a Penis

    There was a little penis
    He liked to hang around
    He shone the spotlight on himself
    When Neilochka could not be found.

    The outspoken member of the duo
    Is what Penis was thought to be
    But Neil wanted to add to his force
    And make it a menage-a-THREE.

    So to all those “Citizen” readers
    Who’d like to befriend Penis and Neil,
    Get in touch with Mr. Kramer
    Who will likely cut a deal.

    This is the end of my ditty
    I hope it made you smile
    Neil & Penis,here’s lookin’ at you, boys
    I’ll catch you in a while!

  23. Mari

    “We’re going back to the gym and lifting some weights. Both of us. We need to get into shape!”? What kind of weights does the little guy use?

  24. Rebecca

    Wow, your penis is a poetic genius. Maybe you should get him a little beret of his own.

  25. Neil

    Edgy, Pearl — in all my life, no one has ever mentioned my Penis in a poem. Do you know how proud I feel today. I might even call my mother travelling in Spain.

  26. Pearl

    You need a poet laureate to write weekly odes to “your friend”…? I’m so there!
    Say hola to your madre for me!

  27. Jay

    Don’t get rid of the penis talk without a good old fashioned vote. Leave it to the readers, leave it to democracy!

  28. helen

    After a long break, I’m glad the first post I read has Mr Penis. Missed him. lol

    Thanks for dropping by my blog!! 🙂

  29. chantel

    Guys are the only ones who can get away with the talking genitals. I don’t think a woman with be so successful with talking boobs, wait I think that’s our government; no wonder!!

  30. Neil

    Extra credit to Chantel for figuring out a way to make a political joke with all this!

  31. annie

    Tease. You had me at, “I had just taken a shower and was toweling off.”

  32. Blonde Vigilante

    Ummm, your penis is pretty tame compared to most of the penis’ I’ve the the pleasure of coming in contact with.

  33. ms. sizzle

    i don’t think i will be able to get the visual of your penis “chuckling” out of my head. how perverted of me, no?

    ;0 sizz

  34. Nance

    Someone else might have a Talking Penis blog, but in that blog do the comments contain poems *about* said penis? This has to be the most times I’ve ever typed the word ‘penis’ in one place, ever. To someone I’ve never met. Dear Neil–how low you’ve brought me!

  35. Neil

    Nance — Thank you. That’s true. I’ve never met that other talking penis. I don’t know it he’s bigger or smaller. Or talks with a Queens accent. Or can do all sorts of amazing tricks. But I do know one thing. That talking penis, for all his bravado, doesn’t have half the amount of “heart” that mine does! He’s a fighter, I tell ya!

  36. Kevin

    If you continue with “he coulda’ been a contendah!” I’m gonna scream.

  37. amanda

    funny for so many reasons, not the least of which is that paul simon kinda looks like a penis, with or without garfunkel. put that in your pipe and smoke it. 🙂

  38. Danny

    Every time I feel compelled to make a comment about your penis because of one of these posts I worry that it will come back to haunt me in my Supreme Court confirmation hearings. But I’m glad you didn’t kick the little fellow to the curb.

    Damn, I was at Farmers Market on Tuesday and I missed my chance to spy on you and Communicatrix…OR DID I??

  39. communicatrix

    Yes, the communicatrix skips over the dumb sex stuff on your blog. Unless, of course, you link to her in the body of the dumb sex stuff. Then she is all over that shit like white on rice.

    I am such a links hoor…

  40. communicatrix

    Oh, and Danny, we have your stalking ass on tape. So watch it, bub.

  41. kimananda

    Such beautiful poetry…and it’s written by a dick. This might explain why I’ve never been able to write a good poem….

  42. bookfraud

    don’t stop writing about the penis. we all love your penis.

    to think my schlong can only write prose. and in the snow.

  43. Melissa

    No idea about the crazies, but we perverts still show up.

  44. better safe than sorry

    i think your penis should be writing for hallmark!

  45. stephanie

    What a poem. You should give your penis a hand.

    Or did you already take care of that today?


  46. Sandra

    I’ve always thought you might have a poetic penis. My only question now is, can he sing?

  47. Brooke

    Is cock fight a euphemism for self love?

    By the way, love the Sedaris reference.

  48. 2nd Pearl at the Post

    You’re such a fun read Neil and Neil Jr.. Your cock talk is so much better than the other one. Keep it up.

  49. boxen

    you’ve got a much more reflective, less talkative cock than that other guy for sure. yours is less demanding & more senstive.

  50. ChickyBabe

    Does he always initate conversations? Just curious…

  51. Artfuldodger

    Since I appear to be the other guy with the “Talking Penis Blog” I thought it might be appropriate to comment. I haven’t read any other post on your site yet, just happened across your link to my site through Technorati. I do know for a fact that the device of a talking penis isn’t new, certainly neither of us can lay claim to its origin. And, since my own trilogy of posts regarding my interview with my penis ended back in March, I think you are free and clear to still maintain the claim to the “Guy with the Talking Penis Blog”. A title I would be only to happy to see you continue with, since I have no designs on such a title myself. This, of course, having been written with tongue firmly in cheek.

    My name is Artfuldodger by the way of Introduction. Stop by my place someday.

  52. Neil

    Artfuldodger, thanks for stopping by. When I think of all the war and violence that has occurred throughout history because of men needing to prove their manhood (even back to the days of Helen of Troy!), maybe it’s better that our two talking penises accept the fact that there is room for both of them on the blogosphere. After all, a penis exists to make love, not war.

  53. Erin

    You know, if I had a penis, which I don’t, but if I did…. I wouldn’t let it manipulate me in such ways. See, Neil, that is the difference between you and I. But it’s not all your fault… Someone once said that of all things on earth, the one constant desire of beings is to spread their seed. Maybe, this is your body’s way of telling you it’s time to procreate. Go rent “Junior”… That should cure it.

  54. Lynn

    tee hee. Neil, don’t worry about us falling under your sensual spell. I don’t think that’s an issue. 😉

  55. introspectre

    Who in the bloody hell skips over “the sex stuff”? The most intricate information can be gleamed from a man having a conversation with his penis. God, we should be so lucky that EVERY penis had a blog!
    So help me, Neil, if you stop letting Penis blog I WILL COME OUT THERE. And things will occur. And penis will blog like he has never blogged before.
    Now, if you want to save yourself from a fate worse than being duct taped to a chair while I personally stand naked before you and read each of my naughtiest posts to you in person, while pausing to roll around and writhe a little on a rug/bed/sexable surface, I suggest you straighten up and fly right, mister! No more of this “Penis doesn’t get to talk” crap outta your mouth!

    Do not invoke the wrath of the vagina. She’s WELL VERSED I say, WELL VERSED. I’m not sure penis could handle it. You both might come out of it forever tainted, in a way your readers would realize was TRULY obscene.

  56. Tara

    Us Jews are good. heh.

  57. Non-highlighted Heather

    I felt so left out not having a talking penis that I got out my strap-on to give it a go. Now to go purchase a copy of “Ventriloquism For Dummies.”

  58. danielle

    You and your penis make a great team. You are both very entertaining, and should never be silenced.

  59. Paris Parfait

    You’re so funny; very entertaining!

  60. Tara

    I think your penis should have its own blog…..Hmm I can come up with several things it could be called.

  61. Artfuldodger

    Neil – I agree, the last thing we want is all out Penis War! I think we have enough of that already. Nah, my talking penis idea was a one-shot anyway, that turned into a three parter. But, if your penis ever needs another penis… just for talking, well, you know where to find me.

  62. Neil

    Artful — Who would think that our penises could bring us together like this?

  63. Miss Syl

    Personally, I think you and Art ought to capitalize on your rare, shared talent. Join forces and take your talking penises out on the road. Think of the possibilities:

    –Penispeare in the Park: In which your penises act out a variety of two-person scenes from Shakespeare

    –Penis-in’ and a Grinnin’, in which your penises play complimentary banjos and take breaks to make lame-ass chicken-fried wisecracks

    –Penis and Teller: In which your penises chattily perform magic tricks along with a third, smaller, non-speaking variety penis sidekick

    –Penises of the Carribean, where your penises grow their pubes into dreads and sing a medley of crowd-pleasing soca, ska, and reggae hits.

    Any way you look at it, boys, we’re talkin’ cash cow here.

  64. Neil

    Hmmm, Miss Syl… you know, after everything I do to keep him happy, maybe it is time that he starts paying his own way!

  65. LisaBinDaCity

    Aint that the truth.

  66. Alex

    This was so very funny-maybe your penis needs its own blog?

  67. Belinda

    Now I feel better about my husband watching WE TV movies today. Although, I heard some mumbling from the other room a few hours ago, I could have SWORN it was two voices, and we’ve been on AMC’s war movies marathon ever since. Steve McQueen just got caught in the barbed-wired at the border in “The Great Escape.”

    I’m starting to put it all together, thanks to this entry.

  68. Fitena

    *giggles* *lol*! Am I really commenting here?! *waving* hi N& P!
    Does P have a blog? 🙂


  69. V-Grrrl

    Finally, a site for crazy, perverted, religious poets. And to think you thought those categories were mutually exclusive! Ha!

    Shelly and Keats? Hmmm. If we’re doing Romantic Poets, I’d really like to know what Byron’s penis has to say.

  70. wordgirl

    I’m speechless. But apparently your friend Mr. Johnson has great facility with the language.

  71. elle

    Nothing like a little mental masturbation, or not-so mental masturbation.

  72. mrsmogul

    Ha ha on cock fight! Ironically I was going to post a conversation with my vagina!

  73. Manic Mom

    This is my first visit to the Talking Penis. I like him; I like him very much.

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