the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Why I’d Make a Great Husband for You, My Female Reader (A Poem)


Whenever I go to the drugstore
I always buy things right
Be it a Kotex or a Tampax,
Ultra-thin or Overnight.

I once was a typical nudnik.
Who didn’t know a thing,
But through years and years of training,
I’m now the Tampon King.

On Monday, it’s pantyliner
On Tuesday, it’s Stayfree
On Wednesday, it’s always Always,
On Thursday, it’s o.b.

If you’re looking for a husband,
Who’s perfect to a tee
Just spread your Carefree "Flexi-wings"
And fly away with me.

(inspired an hour ago while waiting in a long line at Rite-Aid)

Today in Blogebrity:  Christmas in New York  (Guy’s site)


  1. brando

    dude, i love you but you’re proposing marriage already? vtf? don’t make me slap you (seriously, it’ll make us both look bad–i kinda hit like a girl)

    at least wait until after tequilacon before you tie the noose…

  2. Melissa

    Whatever, just don’t forget the chocolate and ice cream ok?

  3. Dave2

    You are now officially the bravest man I know, because some day a woman WILL take you up on this. Nothing ever goes away on the internet…

  4. modigli

    First Chicken soup, and now feminine products of every brand?! What a catch you are, what a catch! 🙂

  5. Pearl

    Sorry, Neil, it’s TampAx,
    So you’ve still got things to learn
    Your intentions are well-meaning
    But marrying you all DEPENDS

    On whether you can really face
    That cute clerk in the drugstore
    While holding up a sample tampon
    And asking, “Do you carry these anymore?”

    And when she looks at you real funny
    You’ll no doubt blush and say,
    “These are really for my ex-wife,
    It’s not my brand…anyway.”

    If you can pass this test
    I’ll find the girl for you,
    Don’t worry your pretty little head, Neil,
    ‘Cause she’ll be a West Coast Jew.

    So you will not have to travel
    Bi-coastal just for dates
    Long-distance relationships suck
    When you’re looking for your mate!

    Just think that your love is waiting
    Off in the WINGS of the stage of life
    And imagine that it was feminine products
    That’ll make some West Coast gal your wife!

    That’s all I have to say right now
    It’s really time for me to go
    Just thought I’d help perk up your comments today —

  6. Leesa

    The perfect man….:)

  7. Neil

    Pearl, you’re right. Changed it. By the way, did you know that there is a product named Tampax Pearl?

  8. Sandra

    Aww, Neil – period-related poetry…! An under-used wooing technique, to be sure.

  9. Pearl

    See, Neil, you have the Monkarsh family connection… and I have the Tampax Pearl! Some yichus (great merit).

    When they came out with that product, I said to my husband, “G-d I’m thankful I’m not in junior high these days. Tampax Pearl would make me the brunt of every sophomoric joke: ‘Hey, did you hear the one about the tampon named Pearl…?’ “

  10. Elvira Black

    Neil, that was beautiful–just beautiful.

    I can just picture you in my mind’s eye–the perfect husband; the doting father. There you are, years from now, strolling with your teenage daughter along the beach at sunset. Sunrise, sunset…

    As you walk arm in arm, suddenly your Neelie turns to you and says: “Daddy, can I ask you a question?”

    “Anything, Neel-chickle. What is it?”

    “Do you ever feel….not so fresh?”

  11. anne arkham

    Yes, that’s all well and good. But do you know your alternative menstrual products?

  12. jaimie

    It’s amazing that you knew ALL of the names…

  13. jenny

    [pitter pat, pitter pat]

    That’s the sound of my heart, Neil. Consider me wooed.

  14. erin

    Haha, that reminds me of the Dr. Pepper commercial where the guy is buying tampons to the tune of, Meatloaf’s, ” I would do anything for love…”

  15. Brooke

    This is disturbing on so many levels I don’t even know where to start.

  16. JoeC

    all someone who knows the key to the woman’s errr…… heart. thx for the word. Cheers!

  17. ms.sizzle

    what? no flowers? i’m cramping!

    😉 sizz

  18. helen

    Woah, woah… hold on a minute. Not so easy. Just because you’ve mastered the art of tampon/pads selection does not make u good hubby material by default. Nice try though….

    Next level – the right gift for x’mas from Saks….

  19. bella

    and all of a sudden i got the image from “stepford wives” when the men are at the grocery store.

    it’s nice to know some men out there are willing to go that extra mile. just don’t forget the chocolate.

  20. DCS

    I agree with Jaimie. It is amazing that you knew all the names. What a creative way to woo chicks! This boll weevil will be analyzing your poem intensely. 😉
    Thanks for stopping by.

  21. LisaBinDaCity

    E for Effort Neil Darlin, but I think I would prefer a poem talking about my eyes, smile or loving heart.

    Let me know when it’s ready ok 😉

  22. Kestrel

    lol, well I have to admit, you come pretty darn close to perfection! I have to agree with Ms. Sizzle though: where are my flowers? And Godiva chocolates, and breakfast in bed? 😛

  23. Danny

    I consider myself fairly evolved but I guess I’m really an Eisenhower-era chauvinist because I still get a little weak-kneed when I go down that aisle of pink-boxed “feminine products.” I’m grateful my wife never asks me to. (I have no problem with menstruation, I’m just intimidated by the industry that’s set up around it!) To buy such products for your sorta EX-wife must make you the most evolved male on the planet!

  24. Alissa

    You’ve nailed it Neil! The way to woman’s heart is through an assortment of tampons. Variety is the spice of life, even if you are on your period!

  25. Megarita

    This is pure genius and absolutely the right approach. I’ve never loved you more…

  26. Nichelle

    what a creative way to “earn your red wings”…ooh!

  27. M.A.

    Oh Neil. What won’t you do to get a date?

  28. ashbloem

    Too good.

    Again, can’t understand the separation. Just… CAN’T.

  29. Pauly D

    I feel uncharacteristically dirty.

  30. subgirl

    now those are lines not used enough to woo a woman.

  31. Heather B.

    so do you mind moving to DC? or are you willing to do the long distance thing? either way, give me a ring (on the phone and on the finger) and let me know. K?


  32. Jacynth

    And what usually goes along with that? A BIG tub of ice cream…..

  33. networkchic

    Neil, it’s a little scary that you know that much about feminine products…and that nobody has snatched you up yet.

  34. Neil

    But then again, women like to mold their cocky, arrogant man into “their” way, so it may be a detriment that I’ve already been tamed by Sophia and know my feminine products.

  35. Carrie

    Neil, Neil…it’s not the buying of the tampons we crave it is the understanding of the hell that goes with them!

    Thanks for a fun post! Sara Lee

  36. danielle

    The only question now is do you really know how to deal with a woman who is PMSing… and, do you know your ring size?

  37. jill

    *sigh* You lost me on the topic, but I’m a sucker for the words.


    Funny reversal, that.

    Usually, I care more what the man DOES and less what he SAYS.

    Oh, dear. Neil, you’re a mad-genius. Stay away from me.

  38. He's Dead, Jim!

    Howzabout a Haiku:

    words dreamed on the keys
    snowy nights in your arms;
    won’t you read my blog?


  39. He's Dead, Jim!

    oops… should be

    words dreamed on the keys
    of snowy nights in your arms;
    won’t you read my blog?

    needed that “of” there to make it a Haiku…

  40. boxen

    you remind me of my nanna, she used to write poems like this.

  41. better safe than sorry

    i’m at that special age, menopause, so your sanitary needs shopping would be wasted on me. at this point of my life, i’m looking for a husband to give me sex, lots and lots of sex.

  42. Denise

    Speechless. (Oh, I guess not!)

  43. amanda

    that made me smile…

    how did you know, neil? must be the phermones.

  44. akaky

    You’ll have noticed, Neil, that while your female readership is all agog at your knowing the names of the various feminine hygiene products and your willingness to stand in line at a drug store to buy them, not one of them has offered to go down to their local CVS, Rite-Aid, or Walgreens and buy you a box of Trojans. Is this just my imagination or do I perceive a double standard at work here?

  45. 3rdtimesacharm( 3T )

    LOL. A lovely poem Neil. Just lovely.


  46. Rabbit

    Akaky’s comment made me realize that I’ve NEVER sent my guy to buy my feminine products, but I’ve bought his favorite Trojans for him. Hmmm.

    Anyway, great poem. It reminds me of my college days when I used to condense a three hour lecture into a limmerick.

  47. claire

    Ah, but do you have an assortment of these feminine products on display in your bathroom should a female guest be needing any of them?

    I give you points for the use of nudnik in your poem though. ;]

  48. Edgy Mama

    OMG, there are some desperate chicks out there. An ability to purchase feminine products is now criterion for marriage? Ugh.

  49. Neil

    Don’t knock it, Edgy, some might even say its more important than how the man is in the sack.

  50. Charming, but single

    Um, I guess I just don’t get this “Honey, be a dear and get my tampons” thing … not that I’m opposed to having a man buy me tampons … but I just can’t think of a situation when I would be unable to go out and get them myself …

  51. Neil

    Charming, obviously you’ve never been married, where your sole purpose in life is to tell your husband to do things for you. You’ll learn.

  52. Fitèna

    Oh my Lord, where art you,
    My heart forever throb he did for
    A King of Tampon in Shining armour!

    Come to me, forever would we have soared,
    But cursed is my destiny which made you,
    made you a nudnik bra unhooker….


  53. Bill

    This would be a great poem except I don’t want a husband and I’m not a female reader.

    But that’s okay! I’m use to being the unimportant part of a relationship!

    How about a poem about hanging pantyhose from the curtain rod?

    Sorry, That was kind of like an acid flashback except instead of acid it was relationships. I’m going to bed now. Surely this will pass.

  54. sunny

    It’s the ultimate test of a relationship!

  55. Megan

    Oh Neil, I’ll never make you buy me pads. But I might make you pick up the condoms.

  56. Jackie

    That is the fucking funniest thing I’ve read today.

    You are the prince of the tampax pearl, obviously, regular, unscented. 🙂

    Loves it.

  57. Brenda

    Is it too purr-sonal to ask why such a purr-fect husband would end up separated from such a purr-fect wife?

    Brenda Patrick, Registerd Nurse
    Purr-fectly Pink
    P.S. Tampons cause Toxic Shock Syndrome, and should have been outlawed decades ago.

  58. Olivia Therado

    Haha! That’s Hilarious.

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