the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Jessica Alba Sex Video Revealed!


(Dave Matthews’ "Crash" plays in the background)

Jessica:  Take me, Bead Necklace…

Bead Necklace:  I love when you touch me… there.


Jessica:  You certainly are BIG… Bead Necklace.

Bead Necklace:  I’m sorry my loft is such a mess.

Jessica:  Your place could use a makeover, Bead Necklace.  Like actually putting your door on its hinges.  But you are so hot.


Jessica:  I love the way you caress me, Bead Necklace…
Bead Necklace:  Shhh… don’t talk…


Jessica:  That was amazing, Bead Necklace.   You really know how to satisfy a woman.

Bead Necklace:  You mind if I go outside for a smoke?

Jessica:  You’re not going to keep that videotape of our lovemaking, are you, Bead Necklace?

Bead Necklace: (LAUGHING)  Of course not.  

(via Jessica Alba in Entertainment  Weekly)


  1. Pants

    I gotta get me a Bead Necklace.

  2. Michael

    $&@# lucky bead necklace.

  3. brando

    honey, why does that bead necklace you bought me smell like colon?

  4. anonymous city girl

    beaded neacklace, huh?
    Guess it’s more tasteful than pearl necklace.

  5. cruisin-mom

    FINALLY!…a use for that puka shell necklace.

  6. Anne

    Brilliant. And I want the bead necklace’s loft. Lots of potential, I’m sure.

  7. ms. sizzle

    ok, i’ll give her credit for being hot. she’s a good looking woman. no question. but the fondling of the necklace- did she not feel like a complete ass during that photo shoot? and why in the hell is she in a pretend dirty alley? that’s just stupid.

  8. Neil

    Ladies, just for accuracy, is it a Bead Necklace or a Beaded Neckace?

  9. cruisin-mom

    Hey Neil…it’s got to be “beaded”. The necklace (wire, string, whatever) is beaded with beads!

  10. Leese

    Huge beads, long necklace…

  11. Neil

    Cruisin’, so as not to insult my female audience, would I be correct in changing everything to Beaded Necklace?

  12. meme

    shameless…utterly shameless

  13. cruisin-mom

    no need to be anal Neil…your female audience is in love with you no matter what you do

  14. miss marisol

    Accessories are the new dysfunctional relationship.

    Thanks for stopping by today.

  15. hope

    Neil, this post was so hot I had to leave my cubicle and take my bead necklace into the bathroom.

  16. Neil

    I still never got my answer — keep it at Bead Necklace or change it to Beaded Necklace? Aren’t there any fashionistas out there besides myself?

  17. Modigli

    I think it should be the BADASS beaded necklace!

    And, can I say, you are the blog MACHINE, Neil! I haven’t been gone that long, and you have so many posts for me to catch up on! Where is all this creativity coming from???

  18. psychotoddler

    I’m proud of you Neil. It took me forever to figure out that gratuitous pictures of hot women=more site traffic.

  19. gost


  20. Krysten Cuccia

    I love Jessica Alba! She is definitely one of the hottest women alive! She is a GREAT actress and very beautiful!

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