the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Kissing

kissy.jpg

Pauly has another amusing post today — this time about "dog kissing."  And since I always find him inspirational, Pauly got me thinking about the subject of kissing (and not just with dogs). 

I miss kissing a lot, although I still try to get in a little kissing with Sophia if I can get her drunk enough.  The fact that I like kissing is surprising to me because I’m a bit of a hypochondriac.  Kissing is one of God’s greatest inventions, but if you think about it, it’s a germ-filled activity that can get you a cold.  Maybe the Eskimos have it right by kissing with their noses.  At least it’s sanitary.

Last night, I was watching a Tivo-ed episode of Average Joe, one of those second-rate dating reality shows.  This uninspiring girl goes out with one guy after another, seeing which one she likes the best.  All the guys are "amazed" with this dull woman.  Why are they so amazed?  Is it because she seems to have real boobs and they haven’t seen that before?

I would be a terrible reality dating show contestant.  Why can’t they ever find a smart woman who’s also beautiful? 

This year, Average Joe had a "twist."  Some of the nerds were kicked off, then came back after an extreme makeover.  All of a sudden, Marlena, or whatever her name is this year, was all hot for the guys because they were now looking good.  This time she used the word "amazed" over and over again.  All the guys were salivating over the opportunity for a second chance.  I was grimacing as one by one, they each sucked up to her by saying how amazing she was.  Now I’m as ass-kissy as they come, especially when it comes to wooing a woman, but these guys were making me nauseous.  Have some self-respect, guys!

If she picked me, I would say, "Screw you.  You didn’t want me before.  Now that I got the nose job and a trendy earring, I’m off to meet a woman who didn’t make me feel like a loser the first time." 

None of these reality show relationships work out anyway. 

If I were on the show, I would spend more time flirting with the female executive producer than the "girl," hoping to work my way into a new job. 

Oh, yeah, right… back to kissing.  In each episode of Average Joe, the woman goes on several dates with the guys.  At the end of each date, it’s inevitable that the couple starts kissing.  And it’s always some intense, open mouth kiss that the camera zooms in on.

Now, if I’m on a date with this woman, and I know that two hours ago, on her last date, she was french kissing some other guy, and three hours before that she giving some tongue action with a third guy — am I really going to want to kiss her?  It’s not even the fear of catching mono.  Maybe it’s me, but I think as I was kissing her, it would feel as if I’m kissing all the other guys — once removed.  And that’s just disgusting.

If I just wanted to kiss all the guys, I would just hang out back at the mansion rather than going on a boring date with this dumb chick.

But that’s a whole other reality show.

45 Comments

  1. Josia

    That mind of yours! Can’t believe you’re not working on a big Hollywood project! The next Seinfeld/Friends is waiting for you somewhere … it just hasn’t been revealed yet ๐Ÿ˜‰

  2. Neil

    Oh, Josia, you crazy Kabbalah gal! If you weren’t married with a baby, I’d kiss you — you know, Israeli style.

  3. Jack

    Somewhere inside my head there is a very witty comment unfortunately I am not sure where it is.

  4. Josia

    Ha ha ha ha!!! … and take Jack as your sidekick!

  5. meme

    kissing rules! i’m kissing three guys, a dog and a monkey RIGHT NOW! after that i’m gonna take a big mouthy swig from your beer. then i’m gonna lick you.

  6. Leese

    This is why kissing after oral sex is a big no-no.

  7. ashbloem

    Kissing is lovely. ‘Average Joe’ is not.

    BUT, I would watch the reality show wherein the guys ditch the girl to kiss each other.

  8. Neil

    Leese, I’m sure your husband spends an entire Law and Order episode “praying at your altar” when the kids are asleep — and you won’t even kiss him goodnight? What kind of wife are you? Have him email me and I’m going to set him straight.

  9. The Moviequill

    they say a woman can tell everything there is to know about a man with one kiss… especially when she sees her man kissing the Hertz Rental agent from across the mall

  10. justin

    I just feel for the male youth of America that watches a show like Average Joe and thinks, “Wow, that’s all I’ve gotta do to get a girl to kiss me?”

  11. justin

    Forgive my gratuitous grammar mistakes. I am idiot.

  12. amanda

    oh just brilliant…i recently had an experience (not my first, sorry to say) with a bad kisser…i didn’t think this was possible…all the good kissing had robbed me of my bad kisser memories from like the 12-year-old summer camp days when the guy was so much taller than me and i had to stand on a tree root with my neck craned backward to reach his disporportionately little mouth. anyway. anyone ever kiss someone and be reminded of a prickly dog-tounge lick? that was this guy…then he said, “oooh, you’re almost as good a kisser as me,” NOT a compliment!

  13. Richard

    Sophia, if you’re getting a little sick of Neil getting you snockered and putting the moves on you, just claim to be the star of a new reality series, LUST IN TRANSLATION. During each episode, you date a guy who speaks a different language (Russian, Hebrew, Yiddish, Armenian, Tagalog) and you simultaneously translate his pathetic pick-up lines from Urdu into English for the viewers at home. Once Neil knows you’ve spent the afternoon in viscous lip-lock with the Anglican Bishop of Nigeria, he’ll put a cork in it.

  14. modigli

    good kissing is glorious. Bad kissing is pure punishment. The last guy I dated was a HORRIBLE kisser… so yes, I must agree that we women will make BIG decisions on a guy depending on his kiss. Bad kissers suck. I’m ready for some GOOD kissing!

    And oh yea, I missed the finale on average joe. Did she pick the chubby joe with the makeover, or the hot model guy from LA? (Oh boy. Do I really need to ask?)

  15. Brooke

    Neil – funny you mention kissing. Last night I watch XXX with Vin Diesel, and the last scene has him kissing the girl – of course. The girl leaned in to him with her mouth wide open and her tongue already out. I was so nauseated that I remember nothing else about the movie now – which is probably just as well.

    MoMo – she picked the chubby guy! I was amazed (as she would say). I only watched the last episode, which is what I do with all the reality shows.

  16. Jack

    Men- There are two things that I offer as a suggestion for use with your lady friends.

    1) Give them the kind of kiss that knocks their socks off and they will respond.

    2) Every once in a while say no. They are not used to it and will work that much harder to get you.

    Ok, I should admit that I read these rules on the back of an empty popcorn box I found at the end of Wedding Crashers, but it sounded good to me so I went with it.

  17. Neil

    No one mentioned the eskimo kiss. If I told a woman that I was part Eskimo and I only kiss with my nose, would a woman still want to go out with me… or would she dump me as fast as the short guy?

    (granted, you’d also have to spend the rest of your life living with me in an igloo and eating whale blubber for breakfast)

    By the way, I also googled kissing and learned about the Butterfly Kiss, which I never heard of before: A Butterfly Kiss is a kiss that does not involve the lips. It is when two people put their eyes close to each other and flutter their eyelashes. Think blinking really fast while pressing your face to another person.

    But what if we both wear glasses? We’re just going to get scratches on them.

  18. Tatyana

    Per your request.

  19. kristine

    jack, saying “no” is horrible advice.

    neil, i would suggest avoiding any kind of kissing other than that which may get you sick.

    but the glasses thing. very interesting. as a bespectacled chick, i’ve learned how to kiss while wearing glasses without any hassle. but if HE also had glasses? eek. that would be disastrous.

    kissing is excellent.

  20. Neil

    So, what a couple with glasses do? Does one of them have to get contacts for the relationship to work?

    Tatyana — was that a real Eskimo poem (or Inuit, which I think is the politically-correct thing nowadays)? I actually liked it a lot.

  21. kristine

    i have no clue. it seems like the only reasonable solution. that or surgery.

  22. modigli

    Yeah! The Average Joe finally won! Woo-hoo!!! Hip Hip Hooray!!! … Maybe he should go around with Clinton on the obesity trail and show the kids that chubby average joes can still get the girl! woo-hoo!

  23. meghan

    yeah kissing is weird

    that elimidate show has the grossest kiss contexts, i have found. total idiots kissing other total idiots immediately after one another in competition. i cannot believe you never see people get disgusted and walk away from such lame humans (like the average joe chick).

  24. Jack

    jack, saying โ€œnoโ€ is horrible advice.

    Why? women do it all the time, turnabout is fairplay.

  25. kristine

    you should probably be asking yourself why women are telling you no, darling. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  26. Jack

    Kristine- I am married, I don’t hear no. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  27. Neil

    Yeah right, Jack. Who are you fooling? It’s when you’re married that you hear the most “no.”

  28. anonymous city girl

    jack, saying โ€œnoโ€ is horrible advice.

    Why? women do it all the time, turnabout is fairplay.

    Cause we are the gate keepers… DUH.

    This is why kissing after oral sex is a big no-no.

    When was this rule made?

    Iโ€™d kiss you โ€” you know, Israeli style.

    That sounds hot.

    A Butterfly Kiss is a kiss that does not involve the lips. It is when two people put their eyes close to each other and flutter their eyelashes.

    Butterfly kisses tickle.

  29. Peggy Archer

    I never, ever watched “Average Joe” and now I’m really, really glad!

  30. Jack

    I guarantee that saying no will throw the woman you are with into a small tizzy. They are not used to hearing it and it will make them wonder just what is wrong and then they will take that extra step to make the experience really something special.

    Many will deny this to be so, but the experience of the members of No Ma’am says otherwise.

  31. anonymous city girl

    I guarantee that saying no will throw the woman you are with into a small tizzy. They are not used to hearing it and it will make them wonder just what is wrong and then they will take that extra step to make the experience really something special.

    I never want to hear another man claim that women are manipulative.
    Playing the “no, go away, come here” gaming is crap.
    This is why everyone is fucked up when it comes to “does no really mean no?”

  32. Stacey

    ACG is right. Men are wankers. Some more than others.

  33. Jack

    Stacey,

    I could rock your little cleveland world. With one kiss I could leave you breathless, panting and completely disoriented. I could make your heartrace and leave you wondering if your feet are still touching the earth.

    One kiss. One touch. One man and one woman and nothing will ever be the same. You know it and I know it and we live it.

  34. Jack

    Cause we are the gate keepersโ€ฆ DUH.

    And you follow this up by saying that men are manipulative. Oh my. Sometimes you have to just help to level the playing field.

  35. Stacey

    You’re just trying to get me worked up so that you can tell me “NO.” ๐Ÿ˜‰

  36. anonymous city girl

    If a guy said no to my advances in hopes to get me to worry about what is wrong and how can I get him to say yes, he’d only succeed in shooting himself in the foot.
    My theory in relationships is, you can’t make someone like you. If they turn you down, they just aren’t into you. It sucks sometimes if you really like them, but that’s life. So if a guy gave me an sense he wasn’t into me, I wouldn’t amp it up, I’d back off big time.

  37. Stacey

    Exactly, ACG. Me too.

  38. Jack

    FWIW, ACG this only is effective after you have gone beyond the initial dating stage.

    Stacey,

    I can see you blushing. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  39. Neil

    Stacey, nice to see you back after our little incident with my comment on your site. I see now that you blush a lot.

  40. Jack

    Be careful, she is a feisty Texan.

  41. anonymous city girl

    Cause we are the gate keepersโ€ฆ DUH.

    And you follow this up by saying that men are manipulative. Oh my. Sometimes you have to just help to level the playing field.

    Just cause I acknowledge the power does not mean I use it for evil. ๐Ÿ™‚

  42. Jack

    Just cause I acknowledge the power does not mean I use it for evil

    That is ok, I am part of the Male Superhero guild. We fight for, well, we just fight…

  43. Tatyana

    Neil, you’ll have to ask Odious for the original language of the poem; he’s the one with superior (seriously) education.

  44. He's Dead, Jim!

    How true. These days the only kissing I’ve done is to my “almost two” year-old niece. There is nothing better!

    But then, she DOES make me also kiss her Dolly, Elmo, Dora, and a host of other important figures in her life. Dolly even had surgery lately after a harrowing blow-dryer accident.

    I guess life does imitate art…. sigh.

    Namaste.
    ~HDJ

  45. missmckay

    yeah, i know i’m reading this a year too late, but i have such a thing about kissing that i had to click and read.

    i just want to say that as i read this i kept hearing it in a woody allen voiceover. i love dry humor even more than dry martinis.

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